Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I think I see the picnic!

SS,
I've had a hard time accepting that he's cake eating but I see it now so clearly. He continued to lie to maintain both relationships and if there's one thing I hate, is feeling like a doormat.

So I'm much stronger now and want the changes but he has been so difficult about it. Twice in the past month I've brought it up and both times it's as if I've been ignored.

I know that when we do have this conversation again i will need to be more clear with him. My sponsor said not to sound needy (don't say 'you're hurting me'). Keep it simple. And talk when I'm not an emotional mess. When I'm more grounded. My IC said don't bring up examples to your argument. It's not an essay. I tend to do that and H will stonewall.

The times that I've talked to him I didn't plan the conversation since it creates a lot of anxiety for me. Instead I just went with it. See how this conversation goes.

I like the advice you're sharing here. I've had a lot of stress trying to figure out how to approach my H with some issues that I've been dealing with. The things you've mentioned are some things that I'm going to have to ponder. Thanks for sharing!

jks,
thanks for stopping by. I hope it goes well when you do finally talk to her. Sending you best wishes!

I sent him a text "I was hoping we could talk tonite about setting up a different arrangement. If that's ok with you."(walking on eggshells, ugh! it comes natural)

H responded "yeah." I went to an Al Anon mtg tonite and the topic was finding the humor in things. Interesting topic, right?

After we were almost done putting kids to bed, H started to say his goodbyes. Me:(dumbfounded look), "I thought we were gonna talk?" H: I was hoping we could talk about it tomorrow.

He went on to say how stressed he was about this conversation after I text him. Then (with some encouraging probing from moi) he said, "well how about I don't come on Tues and Thurs mornings since those are the days he doesn't go to school?"

Me: (God definitely found humor in this because I was thinking the exact same thing) "Yeah that sounds good."

Then he said how he appreciates his mornings with his kids more than other dads who do live with their kids. I HAD TO SAY THIS!!! "but H you don't live here..."

H: "I know..."

Me: "So how long do you want to continue with this new arrangement." (I'm thinking 1week then we remove the evening visits)

H: "let's wait and see how this goes."

Me: "H, D4 did great today getting himself ready. It made me realize how little help I need with him and how independent he is now."

H: "I know, but the morning are more for..."

Me: "you, I know."

All the while it was a light conversation. No hurtful or angry words or heavy tension or sarcastic undertones, etc. Very diplomatic. Nice... peaceful...

Thank GOD!! I will bring it up again tomorrow evening since I don't want him to take D4 to the gym. This will cut out the bedtime routine. Again, light...

Good nite everyone!

Wow, you are doing well Vero. It is very difficult seeing our S that often and in your case, with all the mixed signals and all, I think the advice you got about focusing on yourself is great.

Maybe try getting him out of the equation for a while, kind of going "dim" as they say. This might just give you a well needed break and it also might give him a bit of a reality shake.

I love how you set your boundaries and I know I'll have to go that way someday as well, for my own sanity. I'm learning a lot from reading what you're up to and I find you to be very strong and level-headed in the face of all of this.

Take good care and thanks for dropping by. I needed that. Cheers,

Hi vero, you handled that interaction with your H very well. I wish you luck in continuing to set the boundaries with him visiting, etc. You also got great advice in not having the heavy talks when you are emotional. I tend to do some of the things you pointed out that you do, and in hindsight, I can see some of the damage that I have done.

So, good for you in following the advice and trying to create some stability in your life.

hi vero,
it sounds like you are learning a lot about yourself (underlying fears and patterns) and that is awesome... i heard a quote once that we make sense of our past so that we can live in the present and create our future..

i think that is so true..

way to go, vero! it is a hard road but i think a fruitful one.. i have been doing the same. i think it is hard to grow when we are comfortable... it takes times like these to push us to find another way. i find hope in realizing that how i grow and deal with this now will give me skills i can utilize for the rest of my life..
((((((((( )))))))))))

i think it is hard to grow when we are comfortable...

I think this is very true. Discomfort forces to identify the source of the pain and then we can deal with it in a healthy way. Of course the other choice is to run...but i think we have all made the decision NOT to run.

I hope you are well Vero (((((( )))))

Thank you Arsene, hopefulinga, NG, Bustingout! I love hearing your praise! Whoo Hoo for me! lol

I did it again today. Set more boundaries.

S4 didn't nap and H will usually take him to the kids klub at the gym. I text him that I wanted S4 to stay home so that he can have a good dinner, rest and be in bed and asleep before 8. (H usually brings him a 15 min after 8). H kept saying he wanted to take him and I stood my ground for 2 reasons.
1- I want S4 to have a night routine and rest well
2- I don't want to see H after the gym (I had already told him this)

Also, H said a friend had invited H and S4 n D1 to their house for Halloween (not me). I said, "That's a great idea if I were dead." I said it in a very positive upbeat way (sarcasm is 2nd nature to me). He asked again and I said, "definitely! if you were a widow!"

He smiled and said, uh so you're saying no? I repeated with my first sarcastic remark.

Uh uh he's not taking my babies on Halloween! That's where I draw the line buster!!

On 4th of July he took S4 to his first fireworks show at the Queen Mary out on the harbor and I was a bit bummed. No way I am not compromising myself anymore!

I sent H a text when kids fell asleep (at 7:45pm). "Kids are asleep. See you tomorrow after work. Have a good night" His reply, "thanks for the reminder. have a good night too".

Reminder because it's Thurs and we had agreed he wasn't coming over on Thurs.

I feel so good! almost a full 24hrs of not seeing him come my way!!! I seriously seriously feel good. maybe...too good.... could that be possible? Oh no I am not being a downer about this, this is great!

Like I said before... you have been very strong throughout this with having so much interaction with him. And so accommodating... I'm thrilled with your new found voice!! Way to go, Vero!

thanks again jks!

So guess who showed up this morning??
You got it! H!!

When I answered the door I said, what are you doing??
H said, I woke up early and we can start next week! (did I mention that he's a sweet talker and very charming??)

Well the morning went along as usual and I had a thought,
1-I need to be more stern on my request!
2-If he's going to overstep my boundaries then I need to get myself together and act, not react but act!

So before he left I have him a hug. Something we both do more often. Cuz what's gonna follow is a stern but loving request.

I was seriously looking forward to a morning without him! Staying in bed with the kids, feeding them cereal, taking our time to get ready since the kids don't go to school today.

Feedback please!