Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Here we go again...

Looking at our brief conversation when I got home, I think I was so concerned about acting AS-IF that I didn't validate. Sigh. So much to learn and remember to apply in the moment.

Wanna say I felt the same that I was so concerned about the as-if that I didn't validate! So much to learn and apply!

I forget to do a lot of those things as well. I do them far more than I used to, so it takes time. And we have as much time as we are willing to give. Just look at it as practice. Practice for your next relationship, be it with your W, or someone else.

I practiced validating briefly this morning. I looked at her when she was talking, and listened.. really listened. She didn't seem to notice.

This morning she said we needed to better coordinate who would be watching our son. She said we can't keep assuming the other person will be there. She suggested that I have him on Saturday and she'll have him on Sunday. She suggested many activities I could do on Sunday, all away from the house.

This plan hurts deep. It was a sudden realization that up to this point her words were just words. Aside from not wearing her ring and sleeping on the couch, there had been very little action. Now she is looking for, and creating, more separation. For lack of a better idea, I agreed to her terms. I don't know what I'm going to do on Sunday. In the past the weekends have typically been for family time.

Drop your expectations! When you do these things expect nothing in return. At first my W wouldn't even make eye contact while we were talking, but I stuck with it. The conversations have improved and there is a lot of eye contact now. This is all about baby steps, not big moves. And it takes time!



As well you should have. You'll see it said over and over again on these forums, but giving your spouse time and space will speed the healing process more than anything else you do. Don't fight her on her need for space, go along with it! Give it to her! In my opinion this arrangement is much more pleasant than having her move out, so use it as an opportunity to give her space while also keeping up with your 180's so that she can see them when she is around.

DROP EXPECTATIONS. Got it. Now to implement it...

AnotherStander, you are so right! Giving her the space while she's still in the house is better than forcing her out the door by smothering her. I'll find something to do on Sunday. She doesn't need to know what I do... It'll just add to my AS-IF attitude.

I just finished prepping my notes for my call with a DB coach tomorrow morning. It's a different coach than last time so I wanted to have a fresh list of the past. I also decided that I need a much more bullet-ed list so I'm not so scattered.

Things I changed (180s) during our situation five months ago (Solutions Journal)
*Dress nice = noticed and complimented
*Act happy (choose to be happy) = noticed
*Do the chores and keep the house nice = noticed and “appreciates”
*Let her go out and don’t question who/what/where = comes home and leaves happy
*When she is annoyed/worked up, get worked up with her instead of trying to calm her down (“OMG! That is ridiculous! What are they thinking?!”) = Her stress is quickly relieved.


Things I failed to maintain since five months ago
*Let her go out and don’t question who/what/where
*When she is annoyed/worked up, get worked up with her instead of trying to calm her down

Things I was going to work on and failed to do
*Participate in her activities (learn & debate politics, discuss issues important to her)
*Check in on her feelings towards sex life.
*Do stuff for me to become more interesting. (read, go out with friends, etc.)
*Talk about relationship
*Get up with son more often when he wakes in the night

------

Ideas for new 180s
*Get up with our son if he wakes in the night. Get up every time and get up HAPPILY.
*Bring up political topic with opinion that is intentionally different than hers (I'm not sure about this one since it would involve engaging her in conversation. I've been remaining mostly silent unless she brings up a topic or there's something related to our son)
*Don't question when she goes out.
*?
*?
*?

I'm trying to come up with more 180 ideas but I'm struggling. Unfortunately she didn't give ANY hints when she dropped the bomb this time.

someguy


Instead of coming up with ideas, which are based on trying to illicit a response from her. Why not come up with ideas of things that you really want to do for YOU.

For example - is the getting up for you son something that you would do if the R was on good terms? Sometime, I'm sure you would..but it seems like you are suggesting that you would do this everyday, which to me means that you are doing it to get her back. Wrong motive IMO.

And FTR, I am not saying you should not try to get her back...I just think that the changes that you do REALLY need to be for you. For example, if you were the type to come home, plop down and watch TV everyday - yet you aspire for more than this...well then that is a 180 change.

Another example ;

Chores - are you doing all of the housework so that she can "see" your changes OR are you doing housework becuase you acknowledge that you too have a responsility to do this. If you are doing all of the house work, personally I would stop doing HER part of it.

Also, what are you doing to have FUN in your life? What are you doing to create some excitment for YOU? What hobbies do you have? What hobbies do you want to have?

I guess my point is....think BEYOND JUST HER..and really think about YOU and what YOU WANT.

Eric

Good point, Eric. Thank you.

Here's an updated list and some goals.

Things I changed (180s) during our situation five months ago (Solutions Journal)
1. Dress nice = noticed and complimented
2. Act happy (choose to be happy) = noticed
3. Do the chores and keep the house nice = noticed and “appreciates”
4. Let her go out and don’t question who/what/where = comes home and leaves happy
5. When she is annoyed/worked up, get worked up with her instead of trying to calm her down (“OMG! That is ridiculous! What are they thinking?!”) = Her stress is quickly relieved.

Things I failed to maintain since five months ago
1. Let her go out and don’t question who/what/where
2. When she is annoyed/worked up, get worked up with her instead of trying to calm her down

Things I was going to work on and failed to do
1. Participate in her activities (learn & debate politics, discuss issues important to her)
2. Check in on her feelings towards sex life.
3. Do stuff for me to become more interesting. (read, go out with friends, etc.)
4. Talk about relationship
5. Get up with son more often when he wakes in the night

------

Ideas for new 180s
1. Get up with our son if he wakes in the night. Get up much more often and get up HAPPILY.
2. Bring up political topic with opinion that is intentionally different than hers (I'm not sure about this one since it would involve engaging her in conversation. I've been remaining mostly silent unless she brings up a topic or there's something related to our son)
*Don't question when she goes out.
*?
*?
*?

I'm trying to come up with more 180 ideas but I'm struggling. Unfortunately she didn't give ANY hints when she dropped the bomb this time.

GOALS
Personal (these could be 180s?)
1. Be happy and strong around Son.
2. Find new activities to do with Son.
3. Continue to sleep more
4. Work at work
5. Find a new hobby
6. Go out with friends
7. Read PMP Certification book
8. Read vegan books
9. Learn how to comfortably talk with people and be less of an introvert
10. Figure out a way to fit exercise in the day-to-day schedule

Relationship-My Actions
1. Validate when she speaks
a. Look at her, stop what I’m doing, understand how she is feeling. How would a friend respond?
2. Remain positive and act AS-IF
3. Offer to watch Son so she can go out?? (undecided)

Relationship-Her Actions
1. Her to discuss our relationship with wavering opinion.
2. Her to make physical contact.
3. Her to bring up conversation not related to our Son.
4. Her to sleep in bed

I've had a happy hour planned for tonight for weeks. It was a great gathering of people that worked at the company I've been at for years. It was fun to see some old faces and reconnect with people I haven't talk to in some time.

My wife started contacting me near our son's bedtime. She was trying to confirm if I was going to be able to pick him up from the grandparents' and put him to bed. In the end, she picked him up. But this really annoyed me because she knew I had this outting planned for weeks and wasn't sure when I would be home.

When I got home she was dressed in comfortable pajamas and packed to leave. She said her close friend is having relationship problems and needs her. She gave me a big hug and said, "I'm so f#cked up," followed by a quick kiss on the cheek. She's clearly still confused...

She asked me, "Do you want to talk tomorrow night or are we going to be pretend fake chipper the rest of our lives?" I responded with, "I don't know what's fake, but sure." She said ok and turned to leave.

I'm trying not to look into this too much. There's a part of me that's happy that she said she's "f#cked up." That means she has doubts. But I'm terrified of what she may say in a conversation. I'm sure she'll ask about why I've been "chipper." I plan to tell her, "ONE part of my life isn't good, but not all of it is bad. I choose to be happy." Is this ok to say?

I'm also not sure about talking to her tomorrow night... I have a work call at 9PM and need to have clarity and composure for the call. These after hours calls are rare, but I need to be on my A-game.