Sunny, I'm sorry your wife had a temper tantrum, but you have to ignore it. The next time she pulls this crap, just tell her you were working late and and I'm sorry you feel the way that you do. Right now, she's going to pull out all of the stops like telling you not to go to the wedding or you need to come home early so that the sitter can go home, etc. She's forgetting one thing...she's an adult too w/responsibilities. Please do not allow her tantrums to change your path. Continue to be mysterious, go out and have some fun. After all, isn't she doing the same thing to you? Her anger is creating her projections of what she actully wants to do and unfortunately, you beat her to the punch. I know it's difficult to deal w/the mlcer, but you have to change your view of her and look at her as a teenager trying to find her way in an adult world.
Thanks folks - but I think I might have done better just answering her text and letting her go out.
Maybe I should explain on Tuesday I go to Bible Study from 8-9 on Wed I go to Prayer group from 7:00 - 8:30 she sees these as me going out - - she sees them as "social events where I get to see other adults - while she is stuck home with our son " so in her mind I am going out 2 nights a week ever week for fun in her mind - the onslaught continued on Sunday - we get up go to church - go pumpkin picking and nustsy MLCer is smiling and giggling - we go out to grab a burger and she says I just want you to know that I know we were supposed to have Thanksgiving with my parents at our house but my cousin asked my parents over so now we are going to her house and you can go to your moms - and even though I said I would spend Christmas with you and our son - I think it best if you take him to your moms - I stupidly said (God I will never learn) what are you gonna do - she said "I'll figure somethin out".
But I still smiled and acted normal otherwise - went home and watched football.
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
additionally - she is home when my son comes home from school everyday now and hos to do homework with him - I used to be home 3 days a week while she worked -
To be more honest about it the main reason I went out was because I had a feeling she was gonna go out and I didn't want her to -- she was out till 5am the previous night and out 2 other nights in the week and I was pissed about it I tried to control her and it backfired on me I think - one of the rules is don't try and control and I did -- not saying I didn't have a great time with my cousin but it's not the only reason I went there.
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
I'm glad you went and had a good time. The best thing you can do is live your life to the fullest and take care of your son.
Well, I hate to say this, but she is a mother and she does have some responsibilities in the raising of your son. If she's not working, she should be more than happy to be home to great your son in the afternoon and help him w/his homework. This is called responsibility and she doesn't like it...however, you have responsibilities as well and you have to have some time to do let off steam and get back on track in order to keep things on an even keel.
Okay, if your going out was to try to control her, learn from this lesson and move on. Just remember, if you make plans for yourself and/or for yourself and your son, you stick to them unless it is an absolute emergency that you are required to change them. Your wife is a grown woman and knows how to pick up the phone and arrange for a sitter.
As for the holidays, it sounds to me like she's trying to make sure that she has plenty of free time to party and have a good time. She doesn't realize how precious the time spent w/your child is. But, that's her loss. Make plans for the holidays and go and have fun.
Leave this woman and her crisis in God's hands. Turn your back on to you and your son. Your w is now a rebelling teenager and will not be landing back on earth for quite some time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm glad you went and had a good time. The best thing you can do is live your life to the fullest and take care of your son.
Well, I hate to say this, but she is a mother and she does have some responsibilities in the raising of your son. If she's not working, she should be more than happy to be home to great your son in the afternoon and help him w/his homework. This is called responsibility and she doesn't like it...however, you have responsibilities as well and you have to have some time to do let off steam and get back on track in order to keep things on an even keel.
Okay, if your going out was to try to control her, learn from this lesson and move on. Just remember, if you make plans for yourself and/or for yourself and your son, you stick to them unless it is an absolute emergency that you are required to change them. Your wife is a grown woman and knows how to pick up the phone and arrange for a sitter.
As for the holidays, it sounds to me like she's trying to make sure that she has plenty of free time to party and have a good time. She doesn't realize how precious the time spent w/your child is. But, that's her loss. Make plans for the holidays and go and have fun.
Leave this woman and her crisis in God's hands. Turn your back on to you and your son. Your w is now a rebelling teenager and will not be landing back on earth for quite some time.
I can learn from it but I sm so tired of [censored] up all the time -- no matter what I do she just pulls further and further away
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Sunny, Your wife is experiencing a crisis. She is going to pull away and will continue to do so for quite some time. There will be moments of clarity when she will come closer, but then she will scurry right back into the tunnel.
It's important to treat her kindly and w/respect, but you have to learn to live your life for you and your son. There's nothing you can do at this time to bring her around. She needs to grow up and unfortunately, you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. It's very frustrating, but your wife is now the exact opposite of the woman you knew and loved pre-crisis. She needs to go back in time to a place where she was emotionally stunted and face those demons in order to move forward to grow up and become a mature woman.
The more you try to control and/or manipulate her, the faster she's going to run and will be that much more determined that she was right to leave you.
Sunny, again, the best thing to do is leave her alone and only have contact w/her regarding finances and your son. If it's not an emergency, don't contact her. If she contacts you, let the phone ring once in awhile and call her back later. She needs to "experience" the consequences of her actions. You do not want to be readily available to her all of the time.
Keep the focus on you and your son.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The teenager analogy really helps. Your W sounds like my 18-yr-old daughter when I tell her she Can't do something she wants to do. "But, I'm 18, I can do whatever I want....blah,blah,blah..."
My h appears to be about 16 right now--I knew him when he was 16 and I think he was actually more mature back then. At least he was honest about what he was doing! H is Mr. Party-Hearty right now, reliving his glory days, living somewhat like a gypsy, somewhat committed to a party girl and pretends he has NO Responsibilities. Ick.
He just avoids everyone remotely connected to responsibility-COMPLETELY AWOL. I'd still stay away from him right now, even if he wasn't AWOL, because I'm tired of being hurt. The distance hasn't been a bad thing. Coulda done without the OW, but the distance part has been great while he finds himself *in a bottle of whiskey and a bowl of pot.
Sometimes I think distance brings clarity. But, I know separation brings a whole other set of problems.
Went through the tantrums and blaming before he moved out. Fun, Fun, Fun... It was always, "I'm done." Somehow, without realizing it, I had pushed him to the limit and he just couldn't take it anymore. I'm a beast-wife apparently.
Take care of yourself as best you can. When someone is in your face it's so hard to maintain any clear perspective on what's going on.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I can learn from it but I sm so tired of [censored] up all the time -- no matter what I do she just pulls further and further away
I walked in your shoes Sunny. Many of us here have.
I know something that you haven't had the experience with yet.
What snodderly mentions is absolutely true. You didn't break her. You can't fix her. And you should NOT waste your life waiting for her. Not to say don't stand for your marriage, but how you do it is important. And part of that is to not just say screw it and run for the hills and nearest bar/woman. That wouldn't be you and you would regret that.
But you don't want to be a doormat either. Be the man you are meant to be with/without her around. Be consistent and be sure of yourself. Let her figure herself out if she can. If she cannot, you cannot help anyway. Revert to being consistent and sure of yourself. If that doesn't help, be consistent and sure of yourself.
Be still and know...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I don't know how if you saw how stupid I have been -- I am very sad family is leaving for Florida for 2 weeks and I am gonna miss my sons 1st bridal party
I also have found out my friend hung himself and I am very sad about that as well -- he got drunk on Thursday and just went home and did it -- 2012 has SUCKED --
I think I lost my marriage for good cuz of my control issues -- I hope I can learn to finally get out of my own way.
I was gonna ask her if she would reconsider me going to the church today and I chickened out -- I have plane ticket and rent a car paid for -- balls are gone again -
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Very sorry to hear about your friend. Balls aren't gone, Sunny. You've had a tough lot to deal with. Now is a good time to heal you, Sunny.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
