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ces67,

I have been following your sitch and while I am still too new and too raw to offer counsel, I can offer you sincere thanks. Your last paragraph speaks volumes to me and helps me keep my own sitch in perspective.

I can only offer my continued support and prayers to you and hope that as I learn and experience more that I will be able to share better feedback and guidance.

Williams - Thanks for stopping in. I appreciate it. I've been travelling like crazy the past couple weeks so posts have been pretty non-existant (as well as keeping up with others).

Thank you for your prayers. The progress is slow but it is still progress. Hope you are doing well regardless of the situation around you.

journaling...

Doing the bachelor thing again. W & kids left on Friday to go spend the week with her sister & her family further south. I was planning to go but could not spend as much time for the full week. However, between work and not having the money for a plane ticket, I'm staying home.

I notice my S13 is very good at staying in touch with me when they are gone, usually via txt messages and sending each other pics. He gives me strength and he doesn't even realize it. Some day when he's older and this is a distant memory, maybe I'll be able to share with him my appreciation. For now, I just hug him a lot and say how proud I have of him. And yes, I do the same for my D10. Its just that my S13 is at a different stage of maturity and its amazing to see.

My W doesn't know this goes on but I continue to deal with issues from my own family. I have done a much better job of staying in touch with my parents and calling them a few times a week to talk. I know they appreciate it and I will continue, but it does present challenges.

My mom doesn't realize it but she is a pro at guilt and dropping hints and inuido's about how she feels rather than just saying it. Mom mentioned that she had called my W a few times and not heard back from her. I try not to get in the middle of this but I did explain that the times my mom had called there had been a lot going on related to kid activities in the evening and my W getting ready to leave. But I also know that my W is not comfortable talking with my family and her reasons are her own. My guesses are only guesses as to the full reasons for this.

Anyway it ended up with my mom crying saying she is trying to rebuild a relationship with my W and doesn't understand why W is resistant. I listened and told her a few things. First, I think our M has to get to a better place first before W can improve her relationship with my family. Second, I explained to my mom that W is hurting in her own way and that I have to choose to do the things I know are good and right without any expectation of if/when my W will in turn treat me the same way.

This seemed to help. I tried to help my mom see that right now its not about her and she doesn't need to spend time worrying about it (of course 70+ years of being a worrier will not go away easily). She calmed down and said she'd try it and if that's what I'm doing it seems to be working for me.

W continues to be a bit distant since our last MC session. We couldn't really affort her trip to see her sister but I also know her sister understands our sitch and wants the best for our M so a week with her is probably a good thing and worth the expense.

W started her new job this past week and I noticed that in addition to no longer working for her friend and husband (former OM) that they are now no longer connected on FB. The wife even de-friended my son. Part of me wants to find out what really happened. My concern is that W's friend may have discovered that my W and her H have continued contact in a secret way. I have to admit that if this is the case, it concerns me and I want to known the truth. The question is, do I press the issue or be patient and allow the positive trends to continue. The latter seems to be working so I'll stick with that for now.

I know there are still some momentos of the OM in our house and that bothers me still, but I trust that in time it will be dealt with.

Starting a week on my own is always difficult. Too much time to think about the negatives. Very glad its Monday and I can be back at work and busy.

Our next MC is 10/15. Our homework was to brainstorm 50 thing we could do together for recreation and just the 2 of us. W will get back into town the day before our session so we won't have time to sit and do it together. I told W we could make our own lists and send to each other to review on the phone. I'm up to 13 things so far.

Struggles for me. I'm lonely. I miss being close to my W. I think my love language is touch because its something I've dearly missed over the past 2+ years. What little touch there is comes across more as obligation that care. But I also realize that based upon my W's struggles this is still a huge effort for her, so that helps me keep perspective.

Ro mentioned on her thread about taking care of herself and not depending on others. I get this struggle. With my W, I have to live in a way that I don't "need" her affection while at the same time trying to be open to it when it does happen. I find this to be a very difficult mental & emotional balancing act. Its also not a systematic thing and so I can only let go of the worry of it and trust God to see me through. He's certainly got me this far and I'm standing taller than I have in years.

Hey! I learn so much from reading your threads.

I know it's hard being away from your family for any extended period of time. What are you doing for yourself while they are gone. Meeting up with friends?

Work will definitley keep me busy and I really enjoy my job. So probably some longer days. I've got softball tonight. I need to get back into my workout routine after all my travels and a buddy of mine said his W left for the week to see her parents so he and I will probably spend a few evenings together for dinner. And I picked up a couple books to read. Both for entertainment and not self-improvement!

Hi CES,

I just read your journal post and must say that you are an amazing person to show such empathy for your W.. I hope you realize that. ((( )))

That was a great post. I hope good things are to come in your near future for you and your wife. You certainly deserve it.

Thank NG & JKS, wouldn't dare claim these attitudes come easy, but I feel they are the right ones to help me through this. I think the detachment helps me look at her with more empathy becasuse it helps me to remove myself out of the equation. When I focus on my impacts from this, it leads me to the resentment & anger. (which is still a struggle at times).

Half way through the bachelor week. W is very limited in her communication. She is not calling at all. She will send a pic of the kids every once in a while but that's about it. I call my W's phone each evening to talk with the kids but I communicate directly with the kids via txt.

We will most likely not have our homework done for our MC session on Monday. I'm curious how that will impact our conversation. The homework was about coming up with idea to do recreational things for just the 2 of us. A concern I have is tha tif she is not really engaged in this homework then is she really engaged to actually spend more time together? A part of me thinks she needs to go to IC on her own to help her deal with the MC, but she has been reluctant to actually do this.

Journaling...

Actually had a conversation with my W last night. I called in the evening as usual with no answer. About 20 minutes later W calls and we talk for a bit. Turns out she had left the kids with her aunt & uncle for the day and she had gone and spent the day with a friend from her childhood. She really enjoyed the day with her friend based upon her comments and the tone of her voice.

Quick refresher. W is an orphan. Dad left when she was 13, mom died when she was 16. She then lived with the aunt & uncle mentioned above. She also connected with another family who embraced her with love and have become my in-laws & her family despite the fact there is no blood relation...This family has taken W in as a daughter & sister completely. They are my kids grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins.

So, here's my mental obstacle course. First, I'm glad she had a good day. This friend is able to relate to my W like few people can because she actually saw and knew my W growing up in a dysfunctional family which included abuse and alcoholism.

The obstacle course comes in the following ways:
1) W did not mention to me she was meeting this friend and it feels like how she was hiding her life from me post bomb
2) It hurts to see W connect and be happy with other relationships while treating our marriage like and chore or obligation at best.

W's has damaged her relationships with those that have cared for her and even her new sister who has been one of W's closest friends for the past 25 years has said how W has pushed everyone away and cannot see how it will improve unless W decides to realize it and work to improve those relationships.

So I listened to W, made a point to be upbeat and acknowledge the signifigance of spending time with an old friend who not only knew about but also shared in W's troubled youth. I asked W to have the kids call when she got back to her aunt & uncles, which she did.

When we were first married, W was adamant and diligent about leaving her past behind her. She verbalized not wanting anything to do with her biological siblings (due to significant substance & emotional issues) or be part of the struggles she had faced growing up (alcohol & drugs at an early age). Now she seems to want to reconnect with it in a way that almost seems like she has altered her view of what that life really was while detaching herself from the relationships that supported her growth out of a difficult life.

I'm trying to understand. But honestly, I don't get it.

You have to deal with it to put it behind you and part of that my be revisiting it in some way.

You're mindreading and personalizing a lot. While it affects you, it's not about you.

The Intimacy Struggle by Janet Wotitz is another of those books I wished I'd found before the BD. I also wished my H could have read it because it explained so much that I was unable to. Might be helpful for you.