Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 3 years aftet D-Day and i finally registet

So, i called her tonight after she had sent the same text forward to me for the 3rd time.

I wanted a truthful clarification as to her agreeing to Parenting Counseling. She said that it would still be a good idea, but that it should not be a condition for her to have her son over for a visit because she is his mother. Yes, she finally is in deep need of feeling like a mommy at this point and time. This friends death this past Monday made her do alot of thinking about things, is what she said.

I asked her if she felt intimidated by me asking her 5 weeks ago and if she really agreed, and was told that she was embarrassed and agreed to that just to go along with anything at that time.

I want to know her true and real feelings and not to feel that i coerced her to say only what she felt i wanted to hear.

Also, she said that she hasn't been much of a mom ever since her own mom got sick. She feels, in her own words, that she was the perfect mom prior to that.

But, she says she wants to correct that now. She said she has been doing a lot of thinking over this past week, ever since my friends wife passed away from the alcohol and drug overdose. She said, even though she has seen many others from AA die, that this one was someone that she really felt a bond with several years ago and even considered asking her to be her sponsor. She plans on attending the Wake tonight and still feels funny about running into so many of her former friends from the program.

I assured her that her fear was worse than the reality of attending and that all the people she knows will love and welcome her.

I want to see what our son feels about spending the night over at her apartment.

The aspect i wondered about Parental Alienation..... I was serious and trying to examine my true motives for considering withholding him from his mother.

I told her i would speak to her about it later today.

So, does this make me a doormat for reconsidering?

I doubt i have much respect from her but does this diminish that even more?

II

I did not send that message to her that i posted yesterday.

25YearsMlc..... I do alot of things that may be considered, GAL. Granted, they mostly center around my son, so personal individual only type enjoyment has been missed, although i love all the activities i partake in.

Recently, i went to a pumpkin farm, several local festivals, to an arcade, to discovery lego-land, to Wisconsin, for a very long motorcycle ride (prior to putting my bikes up for sale), for a several hour bicycle ride down the bike trail running next to the river, and camping in a tent earlier in the summer, along with going to the movie theater occasionally. Additionally, i volunteer at the school to put on each of the class holiday parties. We also go to the local library 2 to 3 times per week.

Granted, these activities all include my son. Plus, add in dinner and homework, which always includes between 1/2 to 1 hour of reading time. Add in his library book club, karate lessons, 2 cub scout meetings per month and me going to at least 2 to 3 AA meetings per week with him going along.

For myself, i visit to various friends homes, usually on the weekends.

My main purpose in my life now must be earning money, all while still doing thr above with my son.

Now, earlier this morning, my Wife texted me with the following message: "Anxious. What Eddie say?"

I will reply later on. My son said he is glad that ma-ma has come around to visit and would like to spend a night over at her place.

Ed

This is the message i finally sent after getting advice from my
IC and the school psychologist. She was starting to get very impatient so i felt it best to reply before she got done with work.

1st Her text:

I better be getting him cuz if not I lost 5 hours. Rather have him of course but if I'm not, could be making xtra money at least.

End.




My Reply:

I just got done with the schools psychologist. I want you yo be able to have a private, alone time, visit with Eddie tomorrow night, but get consistency developed before overnight. I will be at the wake around 4:00. You can call or text now that i am done either the counselors. We can build this up to become better for you and Eddie.

End.



So, she will get our son from 5:00/6:00 till 9:00 pm is what she replied.

I really hated doing this to her.

Ed

What an attitude shift from last nights talk, with her self description of not being much of a mother since her mom originally got sick, to today's through her repeated texts and phone calls.

I replied once i got done talking to the school psychologist and felt right about the decision.

I lost her a long time ago, but was in denial for what should have been so clear.

I was at my friends wife's wake to be supportive to him for the whole evening and he really appreciated it.

Tomorrow, i see another potential investor, who is also a friend who went through a nearly identical situation with a similar wife and background, and then i will list it with a realtor i chose.

Any comments on if my decision was correct regarding the overnight visitation?

Ed

My question to you is why do you feel bad doing this to her? She has shown time and time again that she only cares about herself and no one else. Ed it's time to take your blinders off and see her for who she really is.

I am so glad you posted.

Actually, i was just reading through your entire current thread, so i am getting to know you a little better.

Now to honestly answer your question.....

When she admitted that she realized that she wasn't much of a mother since her own mom got sick, which now is nearly 4 years ago, it tugged at me that maybe she was finally looking in the mirror at what type of person she has turned into.

Also, just a small minute amount of Hope still resides in me that she also may be finally looking at her role as a wife too, that assisted in getting our marriage and family into the state of turmoil it has been in for ever so long.

I think my Hope may be flickering out though.

When she texted earlier today and added, "Please, Please, etc...", that really did tug on my heartstrings. She never asked like that before.

I just will continue to work on bettering my life for now.

I just feel like screaming at her for what she did, but i won't. I am trying to work on not falling into the Blame Game trap.

Thanks for bringing that up.

Ed

I hope you folks are right.

I Pray that i have the strength to go dark for my own emotional well being and find a light at the end of this self imposed tunnel of anxiety and depression and rejection.

I know i screwed up last night.

After she left the wake, right at the end, they had a bagpiper play, Amazing Grace.

That is the song she used to hum to our son when she cradled him in her arms to soothe him to sleep as an infant and very young toddler.

She loved that song. Or so i thought.

I phoned her for her to hear how beautiful it sounded and i think i thought she would reminisce about that loving affectionate time.

Seriously, 90 % of me reacted more to how beautiful it resonated and that she really loved that song.

Honest. The road down memory lane aspect was such a minor thought, and actually was more of an afterthought.

My true reasons don't really matter though.

She soon thereafter texted, "Wth was that for?!"

I called her back and told her i thought it was her favorite song and i thought it meant alot to her.

She said it is a death song for funerals. That her mom used to chastise her for humming it to Little Eddie and that any way except for bagpipes would have been okay. Very short conversation and she accepted and understood why i would have thought it was an appropriate gesture.

This morning she texted again and said, " I accept u tried to do a kind gesture and understand ur reasoning. It came out of the blue and bag pipes makes all the diff. But I'm ok." and next, " Mom used to get mad I hummed that to him cuz it is a funeral song mostly but I like it when played anyway but bagpipes." and then about picking up our son for a 3-4 hour evening visit, " Ill text u later when I'm sure of the time ill be there."

I did not respond, as those were from 6:04 am, and even though i was awake, for this time i listened to your advice.

I did type out a reply, but decided that was good enough as was and i didn't send it.

I keep doing the wrong things, so i am switching to doing nothing at all, except for visitation discussions.

I wanted to call her during her mid-day break, but didn't.

Help me to ONLY concentrate on me and improving my own life, please.

Ed

I guess i am just journaling todays events regarding visitation that was supposed to occur.

I don't know for real, how disappointed my son is right now. He seems okay and just happy to play

His mother, after confirming plans all day long that she would pick him up around 5:00 tonight, even texting that she was running late, 1st saying around 5:30 to 5:45 and then shortly later, texting it would be closer to 6:00.

Finally, she called me just after 5:30 and said she had an infected throat with some virus and also diarrhea. She was at her bus driving job all day though.....

I wonder of it has anything to do with it being a Friday night. God, i hope not, for Eddies sake. She did say she would be at tomorrow mornings karate class and would like to have him for a few hours after that. We'll see.

I have an appointment to list my commercial property tomorrow too.

My sons karate class is before that.

I may start cleaning out my shop too, but i should have a dumpster available first. Aghhh, more money out the window.

Ed

Ed if that exchange doesn't resonate with you then nothing will. Cut your losses and move on with your life. You know who she really is . She is showing her true self to you. Move on without her it's time. How long can u continue being her doormat? 3years is long enough. Man up Ed. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Ed bottem line is her excuses are unacceptable. You keep asking for help and dont want to take it. You keep accepting her excuses as if it they draw her back to u. Guess what? They won't! You have to help yourself NOW!

Gotta agree with Butters here, as hard as that is... You NEED TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING.

Read DR... Re Read DR... Then Read it one more time... Make a list of all the things you're doing wrong in your sitch and all the pain it's causing you... and guess what? That pain is filtering down to your child, no matter how hard you try to mask it.