Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Making it work, for me

Lisa, thanks for reading and replying.

I know that he used to call/text me after he got home from hanging out with his friends and he was lonely. But back then we'd actually talk about things. Now it's just business-like, for the most part.

OW is young and still lives with her parents, I think. H is living with a female friend who has a young son, so I really hope that she isn't allowing OW to stay over there.

H always said that he was scared to lose me, even if we weren't together he always wanted me as a friend. And now he doesn't seem to care.

I just hope that I never go through a MLC. I can't imagine throwing my whole life and my friends and family away searching for "happiness."

Last night, around 11pm, I got a text from H saying "hope everything is well." It didn't necessarily need a response, so I decided to wait until today to respond. About thirty minutes later, I got "take care anyways".

11 is a lot earlier than I've been getting messages the last couple of months, so that was a change, and me not responding quickly was definitely a 180.

This morning I did respond,just saying "things are good. hope you're doing well too". That was about an hour ago and no response. Not surprising. I'm proud of myself for not initiating any contact with him over the last few weeks.

It's taken me a year and a half, but I'm finally strong enough to show him what life without me is really going to be like. I do miss the man that I married, but he's not around right now.

So, I made the mistake of looking at fb. Apparently yesterday was H and OW's one month anniversary. She posted, saying that his mother raised a great man and he should never change, because he's perfect the way he is and he's made her happier than anyone else.

There are so many things wrong with that, including the fact that his mom is upset that he's cheating on his wife with her and still hasn't filed for divorce.

But the funniest thing is that I don't know what time yesterday that she posted it, but that's when he decides to contact me after a week and say he hopes everything is well.

I was wondering when their R had started, as we'd still been intimate in September, so at least I know now. The other two OW never made it to the two month mark, but H was smart enough to keep those hidden since he's still married.

I'm really not sure what he's thinking now. There's nothing I can do about it except GAL and detach.

I just know that he's a people pleaser and co-dependent. I really wish he'd read those books over the summer when he asked for them. He'll spend every last dime and do whatever it takes to make someone happy, even at the expense of his job, friendships, etc.

He'd told me many times that I was the only person who never took advantage of him. I just hope he doesn't screw up his entire life over this, at least not to the point where he can't recover.

Still no response to the text I sent yesterday morning. I'm not really surprised, but I was responding to him, so I thought I might get something. Oh well.

Two more long work days and then I'll have the weekend off to catch up on all my school work. I've got a 15 page paper due tomorrow that I just haven't felt like working on, so I might be pulling an all nighter tonight.

I was able to sleep last night, but have just felt wound up all day, like I've had way too much coffee. I haven't had any, so that's not good.

I did get some good news. My oldest niece, from H's side, is graduating from nursing school in December. She messaged me last night so that she can send me an official invitation. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get off work, or even if it would be a good idea to go if H and OW are still together, but it's nice to be invited.

My niece, the one who invited me to her graduation the other day, sent me another FB message. She wanted to let me know that she had also invited H and that she understood if it would be uncomfortable for me. She said that he wasn't handling things the right way and that she was starting to realize a lot of things about him.

I feel bad for her, because she's always looked up to H. And at first I don't think she really liked me because she felt that I was taking him away from the family.

Now that she's married, I think she realizes that things aren't always black and white. She's actually been a lot closer to me over the last year or so since BD.

I responded to her, saying that of course I understood that she invited H, since he is really her uncle and that I was just happy to be invited also. I said that he was confused and trying to figure out what direction to take in his life.

While I might not be happy with his methods, ultimately I want us both to be happy, even if that takes him away. I'm still his wife and haven't given up on him yet. I also said that her graduation is over 6 weeks away and a lot could happen by then, so I wasn't going to think too much about it right now.

I spoke with MIL today, since she is scheduled to have surgery next week. I found out from her that SS won't be coming to Texas for Thanksgiving week like I thought he was. Apparently his mom doesn't have the money to send him.

So I checked into it online and saw that H's job has been taking out child support since September, but he still owes almost $900 that he hasn't made any extra payments on since he got laid off. If he doesn't take care of that, any tax refund that I'm due next year will be held to pay that. So H now owes $4k to me and his child.

So he has money to wine and dine his OW, but can't make any payments to me or his S? I can understand him trying to forget that I exist, but his S used to be his whole world. I fell in love with him because I knew he was a great father.

It's so sad. H is almost doing the same thing to his S that his father did to him. And he hates his father for doing that.

I just hope that the fog lifts for him soon. Even if it doesn't save our R, I want his R with his S to be okay. SS looks up to him so much and I know he can tell something is wrong.

MIL called me today with some news about an apt my mother might be able to sublet.It might make her move to Texas a little easier so that was good.

MIL is having surgery on Wednesday and H has decided to go there to be with her. I'm so glad that he's showing an effort to be there for her, especially since he seems to have given up on me and his S. It's good to know that he does still care about some of his family members. I know that she's nervous, so I'm glad that he'll be there for her.

I've enjoyed my last three days off, even if I have spent most of it trying to catch up on school work. Not too much time to GAL, but I'm trying to plan a girls night in the next week or two, plus I've got my mud run on the 10th. I can't believe that I only have about six weeks left in my semester. Time is flying by.

I can't believe it's almost time for the holidays. While I want a better work/life balance, I'm glad that I'll be working almost every day except the actual holidays. It'll give me less free time to be upset if I'm not with family on those days.

"Don't follow the OW situation. Do not acknowledge her - do not look her up. Nothing. You will not gain anything from it. It will eat at you. She is bug, an annoying mosquito to you. Swat any thought of her away before 'SHE' eats away at 'YOU' and you forget the real you.

What is it about YOU that drew your husband to you? What is it about YOU that you like?"

LIO wrote this to another poster, but it really hit home to me. I know I am the better option and I need to act like it. OW may be fun and exciting for now, but I truly care for H and his well-being.

Maybe I was concerned about money, but that's because it was "our money" for "our future". I wasn't there just to have as much fun as I could until it ran out; I was there for the long haul. Now that the house is gone, I don't have the stress of wondering how much the next major project is going to cost.

I realized that in the past month, I've only seen H once. That was when he was at the house for about 20 seconds dropping something off to me. And I think a few weeks went by before then that I hadn't seen him.

We used to talk/text almost every day and now it's less than once a week. I really don't have a way to show him that I am the better option. He defriended me on FB the day his OW announced herself on his page. Most of my stuff is available to friends of friends, so he could see it if he looks, but not sure if he does anymore.

I'm trying to take solace in the fact that I'm spending this time working on my issues and making sure that my failures in communication/love languages won't follow me to my next R, whoever that is with. H is just trying to run away from it all and have fun.

No matter what, I will learn from this experience and not take anything for granted in the future.

Keep on working on yourself. You realized a lot that would definitely help you in the long run. I so understand how hard it feels.

The FB thing is so annoying to me at first, my H defriended me, and then blocked me. I was speechless, I've never seen him acting like this before, but well, he did do that. And snooping did me no good, I found out from other way that he kept "liking" the OW's photos and stuff, and they went on a road trip together, blah. All these things I found out hurt me so much, and my H doesn't even know I know, so he probably doesn't feel anything towards me. And I've been crying, blaming myself. It's so no good. I stopped snooping 100% for a few days now, and it feels not the best but definitely better than finding something hurtful. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is don't think about the FB thing too much, and don't try to snoop on his page or the OW's.

Thanks Nina for reading my rambling post. I haven't checked his fb page in almost a week, which I think may be a record for me! I saw that he, OW and her BF went out on Saturday, but only because several of our mutual friends were tagged in it. I didn't let it get me down.

H texted me last night (at 7PM!!, extremely early for him), asking me to pray for his mom and S. MIL is having surgery tomorrow, and SS is in upstate NY, so I thought it was about storm, but texted back to make sure.

H replied that SS is getting into trouble at school. Apparently he's become friends with a girl who is a bad influence. My first thought? Like father, like son!!! But I didn't say that and just said that he was a good kid and hopefully it was just a phase.

It was a pleasant convo. No R talk, since I'm assuming he's still with OW, but no fights about anything, so it's a plus in my book.

I also found out this morning that I got a perfect score on my midterm paper. I don't think I deserve it, but I'm going to be thankful and move on to the next project.

I can't do anything about my M at this point, so I'm trying to focus on being the best me that I can be. And if H can't see that, I'm sure I'll eventually find someone who can appreciate all I have to offer.

MIL had her surgery today. I'd asked H to keep me informed and found out a couple of hours ago that she did have lymphoma in her thyroid. They're not sure if they got it all out and she'll probably have to have chemo.

I really wasn't expecting that, so I'm kind of in shock. H is too and is driving back over night. It's about 6-7 hours, so I was worried about him.

H ended up calling me and we spoke for the first time in over a month. Apparently he's moving tomorrow, to a one bedroom apartment. I have no idea where and didn't want to pry too much. I do know that he signed a year lease.

He said he'd be filing for D as soon as he gets the money and that he was starting to get back to the person he knew. He's stopped partying and going out all the time. I didn't ask about OW and haven't checked his fb page in a week, but I'm pretty sure they're still together.

H said that he just wanted me to be happy and that he was surprised I hadn't already found someone else. I politely told him that I was still married, even if just on paper, and that I wouldn't think of looking for anyone until I was completely, officially divorced.

It just hurts that he thinks I could so easily replace him. And that he did so easily replace me. He said he sometimes thinks about me and just wants me to be happy. Maybe someday we'd be friends, but that would be my decision.

I'm sitting here crying, and trying to make myself realize that I just want us both to be happy. At least he's not drinking and doing most of the crazy behavior he was during the summer, so that's an improvement.

I guess it's just really hit me that he has this other life that I know nothing about. He's moving to an apartment and I had no idea and still don't know where it is. At least before I'd been to his friend's house and knew where he'd be.

I did tell him that I didn't want a D and never did, but if that's what he wanted, I understood.

I know it's a long long road, and he hasn't yet filed, so it's not completely over, but it's tough. It is less than $500 to file, so if he really was eager to be done, I'm sure he could come up with the money. On the other hand, he's got a girlfriend and nothing is stopping him from starting a new life, so it's not like he needs to rush with it. I'm the only one who won't have a new R without a D.