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I just realized that I wasn't meant to go to Retrouvaille this time anyway. Even if H had wanted to, I have a mandatory meeting that Friday night and then fly out of town the next Sunday morning, so I wouldn't have been able to make it.

So I'm actually glad it worked out this way, kind of. H felt that I put work before family in the past and I would have had to turn down a pretty good gig that should last at least two months in order to be able to attend, so I'm glad I didn't have to make that decision.

See, I'm trying to find the good in everything!!!

Today has been tough. Last night H and I had a brief text conversation. I kept it light and H mentioned that he was trying to pay for his business expenses on his credit cards so that I could eventually close the joint ones I have for him.

He also mentioned that he'd give me a check soon for what he owes me. I didn't bring up the money at all, so I guess that it was good that he addressed it without me having to nag.

Part of me knows that even if we do ever get back together, he'd have to be able to feel that he can do things on his own, like the credit cards, and not be completely dependent on me.

He needs to do that anyway, so that's a good thing, but it just made me sad to realize that the few things we have together are slowly coming to an end.

He's got some car repairs to take care of since he hit a curb on Saturday. I told him that I'd take payments on the debt since I knew he had a lot going on.

Part of me is just wondering when I'm going to hear that he's got the D papers filled out and ready for me to sign. I'm trying not to think too much about that though and be thankful that he appears happy. Maybe OW will turn out to be a nice gf, even though she was a poor friend.

It's not helping that my parents' divorce was finalized today. My mom is going to struggle since she didn't get much of a settlement. But I think she plans to move to my in-law's city, so she'll be much closer to me.

I'll be going to check out apartments for her and visit with H's family. I love the kids and it'll be nice to see them again.

I just got back home from a great visit with the in-laws. How sad is it that I go to visit them when all heck breaks loose in my life?

Anyway, I got to have a long lunch with a friend who I met through H. She'd originally met him when she was 16 and a friend was dating him. She told me that the first time she ever hung out with him, he was 19 and very depressed. Even as a teenager, she knew that life wasn't supposed to be that difficult.

She also told me that she'd lost touch with him and hadn't started seeing him again until right after he'd met me and the change was remarkable. He seemed happy and upbeat and was fun to be around.

She saw H right after I'd left for India last year and apparently he was so happy and glad that I was able to take the trip. He couldn't stop talking about how happy he was that I was able to take the trip I'd always wanted, so she was shocked to hear just a few weeks later that we were separated.

It doesn't change anything, but it does confirm my suspicion that he was okay until my last two weeks there when he lost his job and everything started falling apart.

Other than that lunch, I spent the whole weekend not talking or really thinking about H. I just had a good time.

My SIL posted a pic of me with my youngest nephew, so H found out that I was there. I wasn't hiding it, but we never talked so I didn't tell him. Apparently, he's upset and thinks that his family is taking sides. He called his mom to complain, but I think it was because he was drinking.

I know his sister is very upset with his actions, but it's obvious that if they ever do have to choose sides, they'll stick with family, so I'm not sure why he's upset. I thought it was kind of funny that he was upset over finding out over fb, since that's exactly how I found out he was dating!

Today started off tough again. It's just so hard to go without speaking or hearing from H. The only communication we've had in a week was him asking me how much I pay in rent over text and that was on Saturday.

I thought it was odd and mentioned it to MIL. She told me that she's strongly encouraged H to move out on his own instead of staying with his friend. I'd love for him to live in the same complex if he wanted to work on our M, but if he's going to have this OW, I'd prefer the drama to be kept outside of my gated community! I gave him the info, but never heard anything back, not even a thanks.

I think it was Denver who mentioned that although he wasn't happy with his wife having an OM, he understood that she needed someone to give her the attention she needed/wanted at the time and wasn't able to accept from him at the time.

I'm trying to think the same way, but it's tough. OW is very good about words of affirmation, at least from what I've seen on fb, and that is his LL, so at least he's getting some of what he needs from her.

That's something that I've tried to work on, but I will admit that I'm not very good at it, at least not yet. That's what H needs, so if I'm going to try to have another chance, I need to become better at it.

As much as I'd like them to break up, although I don't want H to be hurt, I know that it doesn't mean he'd give me another shot right away, so I just need to use this time to work on myself and figure out exactly what I want from my next R.

It's been less than two weeks since I've found out, and it may have started late Aug/early Sept, so it's still early. I need to stop thinking about them and just be thankful that H appears to be less depressed and is possibly drinking less. And just because H is putting on the appearance that things are going great doesn't mean that everything is as wonderful as it appears.

I just need to work on myself and make myself the better option. And if H never realizes it, then I'll eventually move on and find someone who does.

I think one of the reasons I'm so melancholy is that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm not sure if H is even going to acknowledge it. I'm definitely not expecting a card or gift, but I don't even want to get my hopes up for a text or email.

Last year, even though we weren't talking too much since I was trying to give H space to figure out what he wanted, I was invited to have dinner with him and his bf, our roommate. He gave me a card and a giftcard to Target. I like practical gifts and he wasn't in the mood to buy me something special, so I understood. Afterwards, H invited me back to the house where we ML. What a difference a year makes!

I had forwarded an credit card balance update email to H earlier today and he has responded to it, saying that both cards with balances have been paid and will have zero balances as of tomorrow.

At first, I was sad that he seems to easily be taking care of things to remove me from his life, but instead I have decided to be happy that I no longer have to nag him to get the money before the due dates. Also, these were the two cards that I planned to cancel (there is a third I agreed to keep open until H files) so I'll be able to do that now.

I've decided to sit on it a bit, but I think I'll respond and thank him for being proactive and taking care of it. It's not much, but when I haven't really seen/talked to H in weeks, it's probably the best I can do for words of affirmation, his LL.

That's not exactly right babyred. I never accepted that she was seeing OM. And there was never a time when I agreed to participate in her life while she was in contact with him. My boundary was always "I will not be in your life if there OM, or any OM, is". I wasn't perfect about enforcing that early on, but it was my boundary.

What I understand is that I very much contributed to the reasons why there was an OM at all. I had neglected my W and not given what she needed emotionally for a very long time prior to her leaving me. She was emotionally starved. Her love bank was empty. OM began giving her what I hadn't been, thus began the EA. Next was W leaving. Followed by PA (or dating OM as W prefers to see it).

I have never accepted that she made a good or moral choice and I have never backed away from that with her. I told her that I could see how she could make the choice to leave me, but that the choice to bring an OM into the picture was wrong.

She doesn't agree with me of course, and for that, we now agree to disagree. And we simply don't discuss it any longer. I have my feelings about it, and she has her's. I do think that there is a part of her that feels that she made a poor choice that was not in line with how she was raised or how she wants to live her life, but she will never admit that to me. The best I've gotten is "I wish that I would never have began hanging out with OM", "OM was an escape for me", and "I'm sorry that it hurt you".

I have to accept that and make the choice to forgive her even if she doesn't believe that there is anything for me to forgive her for. I just keep my act of forgiveness in my head and heart.

VI've decided to sit on it a bit, but I think I'll respond and thank him for being proactive and taking care of it. It's not much, but when I haven't really seen/talked to H in weeks, it's probably the best I can do for words of affirmation, his LL.

I agree. At least acknowledge that he's doing something right. It will probably boost his self esteem and open up communication for you two

Sorry Denver for screwing up your message. I'll be polite to H, but won't try to spend time with him until he makes a choice.

In his mind, he's in a relationship with OW and to be with me would be cheating, so he wouldn't do that. We had that conversation back in May about his last OW. And I don't want to be the back up or plan B anyway. I deserve more.

Somehow he thinks it's ok to date/be in a relationship because he said he was confused and wanted a separation to figure things out. At that moment, he considered himself single. I don't think it's right to do so as long as we're married, or at least until he files the papers to get a D.

If we do R, I think we'll also have to agree to disagree. I feel very strongly about this, but can see that we have different beliefs. Perhaps we should have had some conversations about what if's before we got M. Is it more important to be right or to be married? Right now, I'd rather be married, if H chooses to work on things.

As of today, I'm still standing. I'm just going to take it day by day, or perhaps even hour by hour.

No worries. I didn't take any offense.

How are you not plan B now?

I think that it is okay to wait. Admirable to stand for your M, in fact. I certainly did it for long enough. At some point though, you have to look out for you, your emotional well being, and your happiness. Keep that in mind.

Glad to hear that Denver. I would be plan B if H were spending any time with me. Right now he's completely infatuated with OW and we've had very little contact, all by text, and all business like.

I'm not trying to act like friends or even tell him I still want to be friends at this point. Neither of us has tried to make plans with the other.

H has been infatuated with her since they met in May, as he was breaking up with OW2. She didn't want to date him, for whatever reason, so they were just friends.

As long as they were still friends, I knew he'd never be 100% committed to trying to work on things and would always wonder what would have happened if she gave him a shot. And as cr@ppy as she treated him, he just couldn't seem to give up the friendship.

So this just needs to run its course. Maybe she will be the perfect woman for him and he'll decide to file. Or she'll break his heart and he'll realize that, as he thought, she's been using him from the beginning. Either way, there's nothing I can do right now.

I'm standing because I've made a commitment, and in all honesty, I wouldn't be looking for another R anytime soon any way. I'm still trying to work on myself and just don't have the time to start something new, with my work and school. I know the man H used to be, and I'd make the time for him, but not for anyone else right now.

I know that I do have options, but I'm not giving up hope just yet.