Okay so results in 2 days. I feel a little better since purging thoughts / emotions above. The soot was equally painful for emotional and physical reasons - having to face the truth with another professional (like the the L meeting), he at swabbed me (ouch), and said he's heard and seen a lot worse than what I shared. The nurse who took my blood for the various other tests, encouraged me to "becareful of the girls I run with.". My response, "thanks, but i have a wife.". Oops she felt a bit awkward after that and I gave her reassurance that is was "ok".
So back home, and W is being extra nice. More shared videos, apologizing for the mess (more kid laundry) and making lunch for everyone. I'm going to pretend it's niceness based on love, not guilt. "Think the impossible". Looking fwd to hearing back from everyone, including about my mini breakdown post above.
Last little update for now, she left a fee minutes ago. I cheerfully wished her a "fun" time. Her response was a begrudgingly, "yeah". So I came back with a polite "ok, well be careful," genuinely and playfully as I offered her a toy ninja sword. . Then she amen back with "if only you knew where I was going...what I have to do" and left on a good note. It was a pleasant little exchange. So "time will tell".
I'm glad you posted your feelings. That helps. I completely understand. The STD test was one of those days in which I was embarrassed and drenched in nervous sweat. I asked myself, why do I even have to do this? This is NOT RIGHT! I was angry, and sad, and dissapointed. Yes, what you feel is normal.
People assume stuff when the person taking the STD test is a man. My H had the test at work, and my H said she kept looking at his wedding ring, as though wondering what was going on. I just told the lab person. Whatever.
I think your W does love you amidst this confusion. And she is also feeling guilty. But who knows what is really going through her head.
Hi Afa, thanks for posting on my thread. I agree with Tori it's good to post your feelings. It helps you really get in touch with where you're at.
How long is W gone for? Is it all w/e. I'm curious by her "if you knew where I was going and what I have to do" response to your have fun - it didn't sound fun. I bet you are too but best to detach eh? Time indeed will tell.
Enjoy the weekend.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
T and T, I appreciate your words. This site is a godsend so that we can truly be and share since we're in the same boat.
I'm fairly certain she loves me, just hopeful she can find her way back and fall in love with me. Part joke b/c of the "ILYBINILWY" and obviously a bigger part serious. Again, one of the weirder things, was that she wanted my "begging / pleading" narrative that I wrote shortly after the bomb dropped. Simply puzzling. I wish I knew what was going through her head. Then again, I sincerely doubt she truly knows.
She is gone and will be back sometime tomorrow afternoon / early evening. Earlier this week she had said she was going to a lake camp with a female coworker today, and really don't know where she went yesterday. My hope would be to break things off with OM. That's what I'm sticking with in my head versus 100 other bad "not fun" thoughts. And yes I realize to hope without expectations, as well as focus on me / the kiddos. Then again, out all some positive thoughts out there and maybe they'll come back. The past few weeks of normalcy and knowing that W and OM have been arguing is what put me back on the rollercoaster. My choice, a little less than detached - loving from a distance. I do truly worry for her physical safety when with OM, in case thngs go bad. He is a recovering drug addict (replace the drug if done simply with booze and has spent time in jail). Random thought to enter here, but I've been thinking that too.
So last night kids and I went and bought some gardening supplies (kind of a 180 taking them there by self - they normally hate that place ), then we rented some movies and got lost on country back roads. This morning we all were outside using the garden stuff and having. Now were about to hit a park and a little (inexpensive shopping), Halloween stuff. I'll check back later. Hope everyone is having a good day.
I found the whole "no expectations" thing almost impossible to do. Why? Bc the reason you're here is that you want a positive outcome for your M. If you didn't care, then you'd know your M is over. Indifference is the clearest sign you've moved on. It's like going to college not expecting to graduate.
So my philosophy is to visualize what I want and really feel it in my body (that's Wayne's teaching, and it rings true to me.) In my case, this didn't work, but at least I know I was doing what I could do to make my goal happen. There were other factors, like my H having an awakening, so that's why it didn't happen. But now I'm visualizing true, real love back into my life. It's on its way. That's my expectation.
Ok, so maybe little instead of no expectations. I sincerely hope your recent expectation comes true for you.
So while out with the kids, I had a few thoughts, how many times have I out her needs first, too much, to the point of her being selfish. (eg me always being the one who handles a kid if they're upset at a function, while she remains at the function, putting my needs last). I may have posted this earlier in one of my threads, but it is something I need to remember to ward off evil. and better myself.
Oh side note, on my last post, D11 asked what I was doing while I was typing, "blogging?". I told her sort of / kind of. . I've been honest with her about what I do on my phone, occassional, text, sports, reading, and "blogging" now.
Last thing for now (i think), W and I obviously have mutual friends on FB, including a couple that OM has friended, so not in a passive aggressive way, I can only wonder what he thinks when he sees comments and such. I'm doing what I would do prior to the bomb, so don't take it as a passive aggressive way. That too, is what it is.
Hi afa75 coming by to see how you are and it seems you are doing good :-)
My S8 has also asked me at times what i am doing when i am on my laptop, and even one time asked 'who i was talking to for so long' when i was talking to my coach! i tell him i am talking to friends and we help each other be the best people we can be...and he said 'but you are a great mummy already' bless... :-)
lots of (((((( )))))) to you.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks for the compliment and the hug. Right back at you.
So W finally made it home. Looks rough. Not even a few moments home and her cell starts buzzing, a few more minutes and she's playing her FB games and seemingly messaging OM on her IPad. Damn the screens for being so big. Pretty sure my hope of breaking it off didn't happen. I'm having a moment of anger. At myself for having that hope. At the whole sich. Part of the anger says to tell her to F off. To move the F out. I'm going to File. Fortunately I have you all to vent and I Found a way to leave the house for a few so I can return calmer cooler, and more collect. I need more Cs than Fs.
Ok. Just lost my cool. Tried to leave ASAP, but upon leaving saw something stuck underneath her carhood. Some kind of snack bar wrapper wedged in there. So dumb me asks her to come out and see the weird thing. She claims having no clue how it got there, or how to open the hood. I asked if anyone had to check the engine says no. I told her s7 and I were leaving and if thee was anything she wanted to tell me she can when I get back. Really is it a big deal? Did I make myself look a fool? Definitely. How to right this wrong?!? Oh and of course I'm still aggravated. Ugh.
