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You sound good Vero, a little confused but good. But aren't we all a bit confused.

All his changes seem great and positive but you know there can't be 3 people in a R. Have you told him that in the past? Sorry, can't remember.

Labug - yes confused about him but not my life :-)

Have I told him? CONSTANTLY!
His response,
-his relationship with her isn't the same as before
-it's not about her (this is a classic!)
-give him time (he's been saying this for a year!)
**he's learning to let go of people easy and not just break it off.
**This one is the that hurts the most!

All in all he ends the conversation that he wants to focus on the kids and not on the relationship. OBVIOUSLY! he's busy focusing his relationship with someone else!

Hi Vero how are you today???

Hi Vero! How are you and where are you? I am thinking about you. Tell me your news :-)

Thank you bustingout for remembering me. I have had an interesting couple of weeks. I needed to just sit on some things that happened before posting.

So here goes.
A week ago I told H that I wanted our arrangements to change. I told him that I need to feel at peace with my day and knowing that he is still in a relationship with OW breaks my serenity. "I want to respect you but I can only do that if I change our arrangements."

I told him it hurts to see him in the morning and evenings since I assume he's either coming/going to/from her. I am only leaving him the afternoon to see the kids and "I know that it's not much therefore I'm leaving it up to you to decide how to change the arrangements."

**I told him "I have been working on detaching for the past 6mos and it's been too hard because of how often I see you." He said he doesn't want me to detach. (that was confusing!!)

**I told him, "Instead I feel much closer to you and it makes it harder for me to 'focus on the kids and not the relationship' as you say." He said he also feels a lot closer to me too. (more confusion!!)

**Before we ended the conversation he said, "I'm not doing this for (OW)." Say what?? "I'm not changing our arrangements so I could continue seeing (OW) but so that you could have time to heal." pfff. ok.... (of course I didn't react this way in front of him)

I felt free that night after we talked. I finally felt like I was letting him go.

Well, it's been a week and nothing has changed!! I have been praying for the right time to revisit this conversation. Coparenting therapy? but that's not for another week!
And I've been praying to communicate my thoughts clearly.

Tonite the kids fell asleep before he got here and I text. "kids are asleep in case you want to go straight home." He called and said he was coming over to kiss them goodnite and brought me dinner... d@mn (fingers snapping!)

I called him a bit ago and said, "since you need to go to work early, you don't need to stop by (at 6:30am) so the kids can sleep in." he said, you're probably right. This sounds good, right? but in the past he still shows up! since he drives past our area to get to work.

So now I really don't know if he'll show up and if he does I'll be upset and if he doesn't I'll be ....I seriously don't know if relieved since he never follows through when he says he's not going to show up (when I suggest he doesn't). I'll be more like, "hey, why did he finally listen to me this time???"

I also had some huge self discoveries.
H is more similar to an exbf I had right before H. I used to hate that exbf was so sensitive and I felt I was walking on eggshells. Now I realize that H is the FREAKIN' SAME!!! I realized other similarities. Both grew up with alcoholic dads. Both fit in really well with my family.

I can see myself dating someone just like H and exbf again since I thought both were Mr. Right! Another reality check.

Another realization.
My fear!
I fear abandonment. and I fear being perceived as a doormat to others. When I'm down these are the two negative thoughts that circulate in my head.

I'd like to say I'm doing better but I had a migraine today due to money stress and everything else that I allow to consume my thoughts.

H was worried and kept checking up on me. My friend/neighbor helped me out with S4 for a bit. It was nice that I didn't need to rely on my family for help. Things are a bit weird with them. That's for another post. **H kicked my aunt out of the back apt. more to come later.

Oh wow. I don't know how you're doing it with seeing him so often. I only have to see my H twice a week and that is killer for me.

I get your confusion. I'm going through the same thing with one day I act happy and fine when I see H to see how it will make me feel... then the next I am cold and distant to see how it will make me feel. Neither one makes me feel any better. Because I'm still left walking away without him.

So, how to find balance with this. Not being friends but still being cordial. It's such a hard line to stay behind.

With your H around so much and giving you such confusing signs, I think it is so good for you to set your boundaries and get your space. You NEED it. That is your healing time and he's not allowing you to have it.

Him telling you that he doesn't want you to detach is also his way of stringing you along. Why would he want to lose you when he can have you right where he wants you?

I love the way you've been approaching this. I think you have such a great head on your shoulders and I truly believe that if you continue to pray for the guidance that you need, it will come when it's right. Good for you for being so thoughtful in your actions.

You are a very strong woman. I hope you know that.

Hey vero, how about if you take what he's doing out of the picture and just focus on you. I'm not sure he's being confusing or if he's merely doing the minimum he can to not feel bad or guilty. It's human nature.

Tell him what you want and need for him in terms of the kids and see if he can do that.

Hi Vero ((( )))

what labug says seems like solid advice for the situation right now. To be honest I am even confused about what your H is feeling, wanting and thinking!

How are you today?

jks, I feel I got kudos from you since I think what you went through when H moved in with OW was very hard. Thank you!

labug, remove his mixed signals. I'm going to do that. Today I'm going to think a lot about all this excluding him from the pix. Thanks for the tip!

bustingout, HOW ARE UUUU?? ;-) I'm very sad this morning but better. I had my crying moment last night and feel somber now. All part of the healing process.

This morning H didn't show up. I prayed. and thank God he didn't because although I was a sad, I think him being here feels worse. So it's the lesser of two.

My feelings are definitely changing as well as my actions. I can't explain it but i feel so sad yet not depressed. I think I'm better at parenting myself so that I don't go into a downward spiral.

Hoping for a better tomorrow. Aren't we all?

Vero, your H sure gives you confusing messages. I think you're doing the right thing in trying to limit your interactions and time with him. I think he's doing a little cake eating and trying to keep both relationships going.

((()))