You already said it twice AT. How often do you have to state the obvious?
When you try to fix things your wrong.
When you do not try to fix things your wrong.
No win situation.....
Let her figure out that she needs to fix her issues.
She wants you to pursue. For that is the relationship dynamics she knows where she is in control. Do not let the hard won equality slip out of the mix due to a reset of the clock because you saw her. Allow her the opportunity to choose to pursue you.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I don't think that you have been very specific about her words re OM this past weekend. What did she say about OM?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I just keep hearing echoes of her words toward me about not fighting, about how she wanted me to chase her up there and camp out on her front porch until I got her back...
She said that? About now?? In your previous post, you indicated that you asked her if there was anything you could do NOW, and that she just responded with confusion. Don't take the "camping" comment out of context. If it was in reference to before, it isn't now. You can't go back in time.
Hey AT, you recently said “I am definitely not perfect at this DB thing.” Your pretty darn good AT but I know exactly what you mean. I tried to implement what you, Denver and 25 suggested and it all went to hell in a hand basket.
I've been watching your thread a bit and feel the need to jump in.
From outside the forrest, I can see a few things I want to point out to you to ponder.
There are clearly some indications that she has control here (and likes it that way). Be assured that she hasn't TAKEN control; you GAVE it away.
I can also see that you are (like I was)stuck in the verbal/email rut of simply restating your case and getting nowhere. Again, if she has the upper hand (your choice to give it rather than her taking it), this will KEEP you in the rut as she has the power to respond and you are simply waiting for a response.
Let's look at some basic, often repeated DB principles.
Do what works- You have said it and now writing it. "No OM" Well, did it work?
Don't believe words and 50% of actions- Lets also turn this one around. You are mostly words and few actions. More action; less talk. What are you DOING to get control of YOUR life regardless of what she is doing. She has clearly SHOWN that she is interested in an independent path and that you will end up without her. So ACT to be planning on that. What will you need to do and who will you NEED to BE to pull that off?
180- Again, less talk and more "rock" would BE a huge 180. Action. It WILL bring a reaction. If she is reacting, then she is NOT upper hand. Let her try and figure YOU out rather than the other way around.
Ultimately, and I know your pain so I'm considerate of what I'm about to say- she is trying to tell yopu something with her actions. An affair says "I'm not attracted to you" and you haven't heard her more subtle hints/indications.
So what are you doing that isn't attractive? Attraction is a reaction to YOU. It is not a choice. What did you stop doing that WAS attractive?
Deep thoughts, I know.
The scariest thing I was ever told here (yet rings true) is "Be the man your wife would have an affair with"
This all points to another DB principle- This isn't about HER. It's about YOU. Not about saving the marriage but about saving/recovering/rebuilding YOU.
And if this M can be saved, YOU are the key to that. It`s not about what you say, it`s about what you do. Action is THE communicator.
If your actions say-
`I will not accept a M with 3 people in it` ̀ will not be pushed around and trod upon by you OR ANYONE ELSE` I willdo what I must to protect myself from you and your actions` I will be absolutely fine without you`
THEN, you`ll see some changes. In you AND in her.
The DB fundamentals WILL generate a change in the current dynamics.
SHE will- -react instead of instigate -be trying to figure YOU out -be unsure of HER choices -pursue YOU
You are showing signs of really getting this stuff. Stick to the ACTIONS.
How much exercise you getting? Any new clothes? Cologne?
You can do this, AT.
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you
start strong AT. stay still. you really are doing a fantastic job.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I don't think that you have been very specific about her words re OM this past weekend. What did she say about OM?
Hey Denver... Well I didn't dive TOO much into OM this weekend, as I didn't want her to feel I was persecuting her and didn't want to let OM dominate our conversation.
In summary, she admitted that she is seeing OM. She told me that she didn't just go up there to be with him (which I believe), that she didn't decide to start seeing him as soon as she got up there (which I also believe), but that after she moved up there and was met with a couple weeks of silence... she began to wonder. She says we talked after she'd been up there for a couple weeks and I stated "Obviously, we're separated... I mean you moved away!". Although I don't remember saying that, I don't doubt that I did. She says that that after that particular conversation was when things started with OM (which I also believe).
In her mind, as we were/are separated, this isn't an Affair, and this isn't cheating (Something my IC was VERY adamant in pointing out... that she probably doesn't see this as an affair or as cheating as she took the steps to separate before pursuing a PA.)
I validated this thinking, as I truly understand her opinion on it, even if I don't agree.
We didn't get into too many more details than that, and I tried my best not to keep bringing it up... Although it slipped into conversations again once in a while... like when I was surprised that she actually wanted to read the draft-posts on her blog... I was shocked and said something like "You want to read about how much I love you even though you're going back to OM?"... I know that was a mistake, and I quickly dropped that.
I just keep hearing echoes of her words toward me about not fighting, about how she wanted me to chase her up there and camp out on her front porch until I got her back...
She said that? About now?? In your previous post, you indicated that you asked her if there was anything you could do NOW, and that she just responded with confusion. Don't take the "camping" comment out of context. If it was in reference to before, it isn't now. You can't go back in time.
Yes, this was something she said that she HAD expected me to do. That she was so confused that she was met with silence when she left... That she was expecting me to go to these types of lengths to get her back...
She referenced the movie "Last Kiss" and said that was exactly what she thought I'd do... sleep outside her house in the pouring rain for days if that's what it took to get her back... She was shocked that I decided to do nothing of the sort... That instead I just let her go...
I explained that I completely understood why she thought that way. Then I tried to explain (which was probably a mistake) that after she left me, I had to try something new: Listen to her words and actions... She told me she needed time and space, so I gave it to her... She PROVED that she needed that time and space by moving away, so I fought my every instinct to chase her up there... And just tried to LISTEN to her and give her what she was asking for... Time and Space to find herself... to be alone... I explained that I didn't want to be an obstacle to her happiness, that I didn't want to interfere with something that she told me she needed so badly... even though I WANTED so badly to chase her and beg for her to come back...
During a break at work today... I finally remembered something my IC has told me should be a mantra for myself sometimes (and these sentiments are often echoed on this board)
Nothing Needs To Be Done.
Sometimes, Nothing is exactly what needs to be done...
Sometimes... I need to keep fighting my instincts to act like I'm in a sappy-chick-flick where I do everything in the world to win my W back... except listen to her words and actions.
I'm trying to listen. I want to take action and fight for her, but I know that right now...
