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Ed.... Don't send that email... Be patient and let the good folks on this board help you edit that down.

I'll do my best to give it a shot later this afternoon, but I wanted to get to you before you sent it... There are a LOT of things in that email that you probably don't want to say!

Okay, i only saved that as a draft so far.

Upon review, it does nothing but make her feel bad.

I never used to be so indecisive.

Ed

Ed, don't beat yourself up over indecision... Taking time to carefully think things through and get advice is a GOOD thing!

And i am very, very grateful to have such generous and much wiser allies here for me to lean on.

I have not responded yet.

She is probably stewing at the delay. No, i am not mind reading, but she can be very impatient and build up a major resentment.

Ed

Ed... I've learned through my sitch... And I have a VERY VERY VERY impatient W, that the stewing isn't normally a bad thing at all... especially if she's used to getting immediate responses from you.

Also, remember Anger isn't always bad either... Shows they care!

I'll be putting my .02 into that email VERY soon! Promise

Ed I will breakdown your letter later but in a nutshell I see that as you trying to get her back. It's a R letter. Don't send it.

Okay, i will remain patient.

I read it again and don't see it as much as an attempt at R letter, but by requiring the Parental Counseling discussed and agreed to as a Power Play to control the visitation situation, might be one way to read it in retrospect.

I'm Minorly frustrated by her missing out on his karate yellow belt test last Saturday afternoon to choose to visit her friend instead, and also from her not showing up for this past Monday evenings karate class.

She is a "Text-a-holic" and i am pretty sure she has texted all her new bff's to rake me over the coals for not responding yet.

I can't control other peoples opinions though.

I will just continue to wait patiently for advice.

After all, Friday evening is still 2 full days away.

Ed

The first words that jumped out at me were "our little boy". To me I see this as you trying to remind her that that was a good time in your lives and that is pursuing.

"You have changed so severely from who you were before your mom got sick and you started drinking so much. Alcohol and partying with friends became more of a priority than your family"

What do you have to gain by saying this to her? You have to ask yourself what good saying something like this to will do. You are showing your W anger. She knows what she is doing and doesn't need or want you to point it out.

"You abandoned your family and deserted your son without any consideration to help support him for nearly 8 months."

Again with pointing out her faults what does this accomplish?

"You are missing out on many of his daily and life accomplishments due to having your priorities for yourself instead of your only flesh and blood son. You have walked away from the 2 people who loved you more than anyone else in your entire life due to decisions you made during severe depression and thinking clouded by alcohol."

Again I see a lot of pursuit here and placing blame on her. Why?

"Maybe this IS the Real You, rather than the wife and Mommy that you once so desired to be. You liked to be a home-body and according to what you wrote 2 months before your mom got sick....."

Now you are telling her who she is. Lots of anger here.

"You wrote, "When i die, i want to be remembered for being a good wife, a good mom and a good friend". How do you think you have done over the past 3 years and 9 months? "

This here is trying to lay a guilt trip on her and you trying to get her to come back to you by telling her something she wrote when times were good and that goes against DBing.

"You have your entire life ahead of you to improve your grade and still have a positive influence on Eddie."

Now you are telling her what to do or what you expect of her. How do you really think she will react to this? I see pursuit by you. I see anger and I see a ton of blame by you. I see this as an attempt by you to wake her up and guess what? It's not going to work in fact it's going to have the opposite effect. It's going to send her running and most likely really wanting to D you.

I know you are angry and hurt and want what's best for your son but it's time for you to ask yourself if she is what's best for both of you. You have been through hell for over three years and IMHO it's time to let her go. You cannot rescue your W Ed. She has to want to help herself that's the bottom line. Is this the person you want back? From reading your posts I really think that the person she is now is who she truly is. How much longer do you want to put yourself through this? At this point the only person hold you back is YOU!

I can tell you that if I were in your shoes that I would go dark on her. I would live my life without her and enjoy it just like she is doing to you. Ed it's time for you to "man up" and reclaim your life. Stop feeling sorry for yourself because I believe that you do. We have been telling you to GAL and I do not see where you have done that and until you take the bull by the horns you are going to be where you are forever. Your W is not your life stop making it like she is.

don't "TRY" to move forward. Just DO it.

a lot of these sound super fun so do them.

But I'd add that to ME, a key factor in really GAL and being happy

is to meet and involve NEW PEOPLE who don't know your w or your sitch.

JOIN something, like a club or a group or a class.

Go to a seminar, SEE something new and meet new people.

I joined a writer's group, took a French Class and an Italian cooking class, edited a book, took up cross country skiing and hunting and deep sea fishing,

volunteered at a woman's shelter, did stuff at the kids' schools and met cool parents of my kid's friends. They're a good source of relationships.

I auditioned for theater and did stand up comedy and saw a therapist, and more.

I did this in the interior of Alaska and had a newborn.

You are stuck but I think you are having an awakening. Let that happen,

and begin to make braver choices, every day. OR stay stuck. If you think of your son, I think you'll know what's right.

And btw, I never saw ANY mixed signals from her. Just some mild interest in her son and gettinga her "mommy fix" whenever she wants, and you allowing that and that's all I saw.

I think she likes you (what's not to like?) but she's not showing signs of being in love with you at this time.

IF there is a chance of her waking up and discovering her love for you (if it's there)

it'll only be by the threat of losing you that she'll ever make a move.

Which means you must move on. IF she does not wake up, your life will improve that much faster and hey,

if she does wake up, then that's great too.

But what you have done thus far is NOT working. Let me repeat that for emphasis. What you have done thus far is NOT WORKING...do you get that?


Going from no contact for 3 months to episodic contact, which is all child related, simply shows she recalls being a mom. Not a wife. Sorry, truly.

Way back when, You know she did not stop drinking out of the blue. Something triggered her former recovery, some loss or threat of.

I think this works the same for her. Make sense?