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""Don't convince yourself that a severely damaged husband/ father is better than no husband at all.""" ---- Thanks AS I needed to hear that.

Your H is not functioning either due to dependency issues or depression. You can not fix that, check out Alanon. You H has to hit bottom with what ever demons are taking over his mind right now

I know you guys are right. He did say he was coming back here today to work on his jeep. So I don't know. I plan to avoid him. I am starting to wonder if I am a WAS because I really am not too terribly upset. I have felt somewhat relieved he is not here. I started the Dobson book last night. Maybe a quarter of the way through it. To be frank, I think he is dead on about it being a respect issue. I have never demanded the respect I should. Not from anyone in my life really. This is a bit of an epiphany. Sounds dumb. Really it is an issue even with my children.

So basically I am wondering how to put this into action. Especially with Dan. I need to tell him at some point that basically, I am okay with his being gone. I have not done that. I did tell him that I do NOT want to go back to the life we had and he needs to go get himself together. I also told him I am not sure if I will still be in a place that I want to remain married at that time. So should I leave it go at that? I'm thinking yes. I have not called or texted and really sort of have no desire to. It's kind of weird. I wonder what he is doing and where he is and who he is with but I know how that would just damage me and I am better off not knowing so it helps me to keep things in perspective. Also, I think knowing he intends to come over for whatever reasons helps with my anxiety which just goes to show that perhaps I am not as detached as I think I am. Of course, I'm not. This is just all so damn confusing and my emotions seem to change from one minute to the next. I am definitely still hurt and angry. The kids and I all have appts with the counselor next week so that is a good thing.

I had a super productive day yesterday. Spent it doing things I like to do. Worked out, did homework, worked on the house. Considering doing some things around here and make changes that I hadn't before just because he didn't want me to. One of them is clearing out our bedroom and painting and decorating the way I want and something that reflects me. So that it is a calm place of refuge instead of this area that does nothing but remind me that he isn't here. If that makes sense?

I actually was considering leaving today when I know he will be around. I am conflicted though with the kids. I don't know if I should stay here and let them see him to help reassure them. I think since it just happened this week maybe it is best for them to be here.

That's good, sounds like you're already starting to realize you're stronger than you thought!



Excellent, glad it's helping!



I don't think you need to tell him at this point, he'll figure it out from your actions. He may ask you at some point when he notices you're not pursuing him anymore, if he does then just shrug and tell him you're concentrating on yourself now, improving yourself and making your life better/ more pleasant. Do not talk about the future, your R, your M, separation or D (read the 34 DB 180 tips at least once a day as a reminder).



Yes, absolutely. He knows your stance, no need to repeat it. Concentrate on GAL at this point, it'll reinforce what you told him.



Good, you're doing the right thing with no contact. It's normal to wonder what he's doing, I'm in much the same position as you with my W and I do wonder what she's up to, but I don't let it consume me. Just understand that it's normal to have those thoughts, just stick to your game plan.



I can relate, it's a lot easier for me to detach when my W isn't around, but when I'm with her I feel those old heartstring tugs. It's tough.



I know it's difficult, but please understand we ALL go through this. It's a normal part of the grieving process. You're grieving the loss of your M, because you're starting to realize that no matter what, the old M is gone. Don't try to ignore the grief or push it away, accept it and roll with it and it'll get better each day.



Oustanding!!! Not only does it make sense, but it is perfect GAL'ing!! Good job!!

Thanks again. I backslid yesterday when he showed up. Basically it's my mouth. Really am better if I don't see him. I was nasty and shouldn't have been. I have to see him on Tuesday evening but have no intention of making any sort of contact before then. None. I really do not want to talk to him them but likely it will be unavoidable. Next few days are just doing things around here, studying, and I have to sub at a local school. That will be a new experience for me and I am looking forward to it.:-) Again, I don't think he is seeing anyone. Really it seems to be depression and MLC. I need to keep repeating the goals to help me. Especially the 180's and acting as if. Acting as if is a big one. I am making plans to take the kids to do some things I have been wanting for a bit. Many of them are things he refused to do in the past. I also think I am going to take pics of them having fun and put them up where he can see them. Not only because I would love to see them but really maybe he needs to see what he is missing out on too!
Now if anyone knows what kind of power saw I should get for basic projects your help would be appreciated. I have had several things I want to do and asked him for his help with that never got done. I'm not going to nag or blame. I am going to do !!! Also the whole keeping busy will help!

Today has been a hard day. Not sure why. My anxiety is pretty intense. I have been sitting not doing much but homework. Perhaps that is why. I haven't heard anything for H. Just as well I guess. Kids and I are doing a puzzle at the moment. I keep reading DR when I get to feeling too discouraged. I am wondering though if there is any point to this. I don't really feel like my marriage is even savable at this point. Not in any format. New or old, and to be honest I'm mad as hell. Really, furious. Not sure if I am going to be able to forgive or get past this. How in the world do you deal with someone who is in their own made up world for the most part? A history and version of events that is so convoluted that it in no way resembles what actually happened. What happens if he does begin to come back around? Do I trust he won't have another meltdown and head out the door again? I just don't think I have it in me to do this again. I sure don't dare run the risk of making my kids go through it again. S14 is really in bad shape. He doesn't understand. How could he really? It's nonsensical. Sigh. I'm super frustrated today. And mad. I said that already though. Sorry for venting here. I am just wondering if I should continue this? If there is any point? At which point do you just let it go? When do you decide you have had enough hurt and cut your losses? I just don't know.

Well amazing the difference a day can make. I called H this evening to be certain he had made plans to be here in time for me to go to my clinical rotation tomorrow night. I was worried, he might forget and frankly had no other options. Anyway, I was to the point, and kept things at the topic at hand. He asked where we were. I told him in the car getting ready to run to Wal Mart, why? Well, he was coming our direction and would it be okay if he stops and says hi to the kids. Sure. So since we were in the car we just sat there and talked and he pulled up about 5 mins later. Conversation was light. He actually smiled and laughed a little. Apparently, my new pink hammer is amusing to everyone. I had bought it yesterday. I asked him for one previously on Friday and he said he would bring me one. I didn't really expect him to remember. He did and had brought it. lol So that shows me he actually is thinking about me later and trying to make an effort to get along if nothing else. Sounds stupid but typically, even something this minor he wouldn't remember. Anyway, so they talked for a bit. He asked me how my day was, (I started subbing today) and seemed interested. Then when he was going to leave he seemed like he wanted to touch me or something but was unsure what to do. I just said good bye and turned to leave. He assured me he would be here on time ( even 20 mins earlier than I said I had to leave) tomorrow. So that is progress. I am still just doing my thing. Tearing the house apart. lol. I think I am over the initial grief and really I do think I was a WAS. Really that is what prompted him to leave. I have been doing quite a bit of journaling. Trying to identify actions and situations that I know are causing stress to my family and identifying actions that can make them feel more connected. One of my problems is touch. I simply do not like being touched or touching. I have resolved to make an effort to hug and affectionately touch them all at minimum once a day. This would be a big change for me. I have identified a whole list of actions and situations that I could most definitely do differently than I have in the past. I guess I should clarify- I am talking about all my relationships but mostly my relationships with my children. I have also been trying to reestablish boundaries. Frankly, it's hard. One of my problems yesterday was that even though I am getting better they are still stuck in the same patterns. One child in particular seems to want to test every single limit and consequence I have given. So we are in battle. I realize it is my fault for not enforcing these boundaries sooner and not doing what I say I am going to do.
I'm also trying to work on shutting my dumb mouth and having no expectations. That one is probably the absolute hardest for me.
One other thing, not sure if it is significant but he asked me if I had told me mom anything. I said no not really. He then termed his leaving as "us having problems" so I wasn't sure what to make of that. That is the first time in a few weeks I think he has even said "US" of course in that particular phrase not much else works. Perhaps I am reading too much into it. So the time apart with no contact seems to me, to be helping. I had also told him in my last blow up that in no uncertain terms was I interested in getting back together at this time. I was sooo nasty I even apologized for it later. Now, he is being nice. I'm not sure what to even think. Although, it did help encourage me to know I am on the right path. So I guess that is all I can ask for. I have been praying and trying to leave it in God's hands. I guess that is all I can do. Take care of me and the kiddos and let God do the rest.

Ah, this is my kind of talk If you're talking about light to medium duty stuff then I'd recommend getting a nice batt op set. Something like the Skil set (small circular saw, reciprocating saw, drill, flashlight, two packs and charger) will cover a surprising range of projects. Plus you can get additional tools later that use the same packs, I like their palm sander too. Personally I like the lithium batt's because they hold a charge forever, if you let your tools sit for months at a time the nicad packs will discharge and eventually lose capacity. The lithium sets cost more, but they're well worth it. If you're doing heavy duty work (cutting 2x6's or larger) then you'll need a regular circular saw, but the small batt version works great for cutting ply and 2x4's.




Yes, good idea! Try to get a few pics with you in there as well, make him wonder who is taking the pics



You're grieving the loss of your M. The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You'll go through them all and not in any particular order, and they may repeat. Totally normal to feel this way, we all do! Just keep in mind that your old M is indeed dead and gone and must be grieved. Moving forward you are looking at a newer, better M if you can reconcile, that is your focus.



Not until after the grieving process is complete (acceptance). You don't want to make that decision while you're on the roller coaster.



That's great! But did you reciprocate? You should encourage him to talk while you listen, and be the best listener ever! Lots of eye contact, no interrupting, etc.



Good reaction. Sounds like he's in the pursuit part of pursuit/ distance, so if you had reached out to him he probably would have gone into distance mode.



Are you seeing a C? You might want to about this. There may be some underlying issues you need to explore.

Yes, I am in counseling. I do talk and pay attention. I try not to ask him too much really and just let him tell what he wants to tell. One of his issues is he feels like I hound him too much. Asking too many questions. Result is he doesn't volunteer anything. Yesterday was better. I just left open ended questions that were not really significant. Hoping if I just shut my mouth more I will get a better reaction.
I am indeed seeing a counselor. I know my touch issues though. Nothing really new they can tell me I don't think. I grew up in an extremely physically abusive home. I like my bubble. However, that doesn't change the fact that my family in particular one daughter and my husband have touch as their primary love language. Basically, I need to initiate some sort of caring touch for them. Even if I am not entirely thrilled with it. My upbringing is also why I am noise sensitive. So when he starts shouting or the kids start with one another I am simply looking for the nearest exit. Shouting in particular makes me feel overwhelmed, quickly. Thanks for taking the time to read and offer your insight. It does indeed help! Ty for the drill tips too! Ha. I will see him tonight when he comes to keep the kids. Trying to have everything around here done and ready to go so he can just enjoy spending time with them.

The goal would be for you to actually enjoy the touching, because if you don't then your family will know it. If you're forcing yourself to do it then it probably won't give good results. I'm not sure what a C could do, but I would hope they could give you the tools to disassociate touching from the bad experiences you had as a child because they really are unrelated. Discuss it with the C, let him or her know your goal is more frequent touching of your family members but that you're having trouble overcoming the negative stigma of it. I'm sure they can help you.

He came and stayed with the kids on Tuesday night. Turns out what I thought was him being concerned and interested was actually him being self serving. He took the opportunity to rummage through everything and take what he wanted. I still do not know what all he took. I'm pretty angry about that. Basically, I told him, if he continues to do that, he would not be able to come stay here with them. He would have to wait and do traditional visitation.

Of course, he was all nice the whole time though. Made a fool of me. I mistook his actions as being caring and even went so far as to say- "Obviously you still care and this is where you want to be so why are we doing this?"

I guess he knew I was tired and wouldn't notice half the damn house missing that night.

The next day, he was his same old nasty piece of work. I talked to him around lunch time while I was on my way to a job interview. He was nasty and rude basically said, I am going to go eat my lunch in what little bit of time I have left. I don't have time for you. So I simply said, I'm sorry you feel you wasted your time talking to me and hung up.

He is supposed to come over tonight to basically have a discussion with our kids. Needless to say they are not adjusting well at all. Not at all. I had hoped it would be beneficial for us to talk to them together without anger and explain expectations. I really think at this point it is a mistake and I should cancel.

The girls already have their appt with the C this afternoon. So I don't know if that would be too much. Who knows though, maybe there will be more information that needs to be shared.

I can't explain it, but somehow, yesterday something in my mind changed. I think his nastiness again, caused me to detach more. I actually don't want to see him. At all. I want to avoid him. Perhaps, that is part of my motivation in wanting to tell him not to come. I just don't know.

My PMA otherwise is pretty good. I have the job offer I think. He said" I am inclined to hire" if we do not have enough info you will get an email requesting more for a back ground check. If you don't get that email it means we have enough and will contact you in 7-10 days once it is completed. School has been going well, I have gotten to reconnect with old friends that I haven't really talked to in ages. I lost 10 lbs. and my house is getting cleared out.
This might sound dumb but the house was a big deal. I don't know if it was H's depression or what but he seemed to bring clutter with him. Then I wouldn't do anything about it because I thought he would just get mad if I did. So now, it is coming out, and each room I clean out the better I feel!! I know that the house has bothered me for a long, long time. It was also a major point of conflict for the two of us. He would do this back and forth with it. Complain it was a mess, never help, and then get mad if we got rid of anything. So now that cycle is broken and the kids and I are doing the Flylady thing. They are flinging their butts off! lol

So that was my update. I'm still just doing my thing. Life IS getting better. I have moments when I am lonely and want to talk to him. Then I remember that really I never know which side of him I am going to get and I no longer have the desire to be talked to like crap so it goes away.

I hope everyone is doing well here. I am going to read a couple of threads. Have a good day all!