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Ed it seems to me that you are extremely co-dependent on your W. I don't recall if it was suggested or if you are but you really need the book Co-Dependent No More and you have to break out of this NOW. As far as telling your W what your S has said I would not do that. Eventually your S may say it to her and that is something you cannot control. For now keep it to yourself.

I wouldn't say you are pathetic you are just as I described above IMHO you are Co-Dependent. I wouldn't call people weak who you think are throwing in the towel after 6 weeks or 6 months I would say most of them are tired of feeling down and hurt. I do think it's unusual for someone such as you to be where you are three years later. You need to let her go. Several of us keep telling you that over and over. Ed you deserve better than what you are getting from her. Time to pick yourself up dust yourself off and forge your OWN life without her. If she wants to come along for the ride great. If not well that's her loss. Only you can change you do it starting now.

I thought i let go upon the 3 year anniversary, which was on September 27th. I do much better when the time periods are longer apart.

I actually felt acceptance over that decision. Then i allowed myself to get svcked back in with a couple of meaningless comments, which i twisted to shed some meaning to.

The potential of impending loss of my properties and the change in lifestyle has added even more stress onto me.

I wore blinders for 3 years and now have to face my own consequences. I was led to believe that my family would help me out and that isn't happening. A small amount now would have bought me an additional 2 years before i lose my properties.
My actions, my consequences and my fault for believing.

Thank You,

Ed

Have you tried Al-Anon?

It [censored] but she has to sort this one out on her own. I don't hear you allowing her to find her own bottom. I know how scary it is, but the marriage is doomed otherwise. She's in a foggy fog if she is MLC AND Alcoholic. She's doing what alkies do, they drink to forget and escape. Let her.

No such thing as a Happy Addict. She will reach the truth faster if you get outta her way.

I only speak from experience. In my marriage, I'm seeing how sick I was. My husband and I were equally crazy and his pulling away has been a gift because I'm able to see clearly what's His craziness and what's My craziness.

Stay on your side of the street. Clean it up. Let her create a relationship with your son. If she's drinking, do you really want her around your son anyway??? Protect him from her disease.

The truth always comes out at some point. Finds its way to the surface. Let Go and Let God. You are stronger than you think!! You can do this one step at a time.

Heather

Okay, one day at a time. I am doing better today.

She texted me this morning to say her allergies and breathing were real bad last night.

She is off from school bus driving today, due to Columbus day and is filling in with her landscaper friend, who o think is her boyfriend.

She said she may not be up to see our son tonight at his next karate class if she is feeling too many breathing problems throughout the day.

I waited 1 hour to reply, "Okay. Be careful and alert to your allergies and breathing issues."

It is so much easier to try to detach when i don't actually have yo meet her.

I did drop off the plat of survey to the owner of the building next door yo my shop.

I did contact another person who may have an interest on buying my place.

I am getting the historical payment records for bills i paid.

I have my son all day due to the holiday day off for schools.

I will take him to his karate class and later to his library book reading club.

I will continue detaching.

I put up a mental image of a Stop Sign when my thoughts started to wander in her direction.

Ed

God Bless you Heather.

I have not really ever lectured her or stopped her from going out when i suspected she was drinking. I was naive the 1st 9 months and actually believed she was just visiting her old high school friends.

Yes, it bothers me to see what her alcoholic tendencies and the corresponding Stinking Thinking have done.

O am only answering because i recognize the disease very well. I am not excusing or accepting it.

I am trying to Let Go, as is being constantly advised to me.

Now, today i found out that my friends wife did pass away from her alcohol and other substance overdose.

I did text my wife, just to let her know she died. Her BAC was over .40. So sad, as she too was a very nice and caring person and friend of mine.

My wife is despondent about it and stated last Saturday that this could have been her, with the exception of the drug part. She plans on attending the Wake, even though she said she will feel very uncomfortable there, with all her former AA friends in attendance.

I did not text her further after she asked where the wake would be, which is the same place her mom was waked at.

Me: Detach. Detach. Detach. Work on myself and work on getting some work or job to look forward to. Don't get svcked on with her sometimes mixed messages. Don't let her trigger me backwards again.

Ed

I just reread the 1st line in my previous post.

I never lectured her or stopped her from going out, even after i found out it wasn't to just visit old friends, but to go out partying and not show up until 1:00 pm the next afternoon.

I "Thought" i was drawing a boundary, because i still carried on with my family and father and son activities according to schedule.

Well, now i think that all i accomplished was took away her motherly parental duties and i became her full time dependable child care taker.

I enabled her drinking lifestyle rather than allowing her to suffer consequences for being away from her family and son in particular.

To her, in her drinking, partying and cheating mindset, not being an active regular part of her only sons life was not an immediate consequence.

Oh, it probably kicks in sometimes or will in the future, on how much of his life she missed out on due to her selfish choices and gets her feeling guilty or ashamed, but not enough to let her see her choices were wrong for her child. She can always escape through alcohol and flirting, replacing her self esteem temporarily.

I sometimes feel like "Throwing That In Her Face", verbally, yet calmly, but whatgood would that due if she is not interested enough to Really care about her only son more than herself and her selfish desires.

Screw It...!!!

It's time for me to finally release her actions from affecting my life.

I honestly thought i was doing boundary setting in the past and now think all i did was ease her path to making her selfish choices by enabling her and minimizing her consequences.

I have things to do today so enough thinking about her and who she has become.

I realized over the weekend when i dropped off my son for a play date, that after i left, i really felt i had nowhere to go. I don't really have any, let's hang out together type friends. I have plenty of friendly acquaintances, but couldn't think of anyone i could just drop in at to spend some time with. I think my Best Friend is my son.

I am so grateful we are so close, but i guess i need more for myself too. I need to consciously seek that out for myself.

I used the Stop Sign in my head last night again when i started to dwell on missing my wife. I really do miss her though. When we talked, even throughout this past 3 year ordeal, i really felt comforted listening to her and her thoughts.

Could one of you point me out to specific thread topics that can help.

What exactly is, "Cycling"?

Also, with finances and digging out from property tax sales and foreclosures, and still being available for my son full time, what GAL things should i seek out?

Ed

Walking, running, hiking, lifting weights, meeting old friends for lunch or drinks, dancing, painting, sculpting in clay, learning to fly ultralight aircraft, take a foreign language class, learn to cook, dirt-biking, ATVing, surfing, parasailing, rock-climbing, restore an old car, etc.

With son- rocketry, R/C planes, building models, scouts, hiking, biking, video games, motorcycle rides, play ball at the park, go to a movie, have movie night at home, etc.

Hopefully that's enough to get your mind going

Okay, i get the idea.

I actually do more than listed on the. "With My Son" stuff.

I have not made personal time for me though. I'll start trying though.

I just want to SCREAM at what i allowed my feelings to do to me.

And, i am starting to become really pizzed off at the woman i valued so much.

I get so caught up in all the things i have to do with my son.

How did our spouses get hurt by us so bad, without us knowing, that they have no feelings for us?

I will stay focused again.

Ed

Question?

When my wife 1st got back in touch 5 weeks ago, and discussed visitation, i stated that Parenting Counseling should be considered due to her previous 97 days of only visiting and calling our son 1 time only.

She agreed, and said that sounded like a good idea.

Now, this morning she texted me to have him overnight Friday night through Saturday morning and then bring him to his 10:00 am karate class. She said she might take him out to eat and then to a bowling alley she hangs out at.

No idea if her OM would be around. The last time she had him for an evening, on May 11th, for a visit, she was supposedly going to take him to a park, but wound up going to a bowling alley with a girlfriend, according to her, but my son said there were 2 guys there.

I want to remind her, once again, because i did raise the issue the last time she wanted him overnight, about the agreement for Parenting Counseling that she agreed would be a good idea. She said, "Oh Ya, That's Right". No request for an overnight visit since then. Actually, she has not Ever had him for an overnight visit yet, ever since she moved out on February 16th. This is only the 2nd time she requested it.

Should i follow through and decline, which is a boundary i created? I feel like she is now just ignoring that agreement.

That is my gut instinct, but i don't want to act cruel and have it come back as Parental Alienation.

I have other tasks i will be taking care of for myself today, just so you folks know i am keeping busy and trying to move forward.

Thank You,

Ed

Should i send her this response?



Wifes name, so i don't let you wait without reply, i am waiting for advice from a counselor Eddie has seen. Inconsistency is detrimental to him. Over the summer, you went 97 days with only 1 period of seeing our little boy. I have offered you many occasions to be more involved in his life over the months, even offering to leave you guys alone, but you often either did not respond or had plans with friends that you deemed more important than changing plans to spend time with Eddie. You have changed so severely from who you were before your mom got sick and you started drinking so much. Alcohol and partying with friends became more of a priority than your family, especially your only child. When your sister finally forced you to get back in touch, you agreed that Parenting Counseling would be a very good idea. You abandoned your family and deserted your son without any consideration to help support him for nearly 8 months. You are missing out on many of his daily and life accomplishments due to having your priorities for yourself instead of your only flesh and blood son. You have walked away from the 2 people who loved you more than anyone else in your entire life due to decisions you made during severe depression and thinking clouded by alcohol. Maybe this IS the Real You, rather than the wife and Mommy that you once so desired to be. You liked to be a home-body and according to what you wrote 2 months before your mom got sick..... You wrote, "When i die, i want to be remembered for being a good wife, a good mom and a good friend". How do you think you have done over the past 3 years and 9 months? You have your entire life ahead of you to improve your grade and still have a positive influence on Eddie.