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She did ask me via a text message 10 minutes after she left the morning class that she would like for me yo give her more advance notification of any of our sons events so that she doesn't make other plans because she would have liked to be there.

I don't buy it.

In the past, i continuously notified her of his events and there was always other plans she had made.

On his previous belt test on May 19th, i gave her 5 days advance notice, and she said she already made plans with some friends. That day also happened to be her birthday.
The consequences of me abandoning my job because i couldn't concentrate on anything but my marriage and son are really hitting me now.

I am trying to not feel overwhelmed.

Ed

Ed, I completely get where you are at.

My 46-yr-old drug addicted husband missed another chance to see our daughter cheerleading yesterday. On the way home, I saw his truck at the drug-addicted OW's apt.

He has missed prom, both the kids' birthdays and has seen our 10-yr-old, maybe?, five times total in the last 8 months. He has essentially deserted everything for his new lifestyle of drugs and the OW.

A few weeks back our 18-year-old daughter who is enraged at us and everything for the insanity, flipped out for the umpteenth time and became really scary. When she loses it, she screams obscenities, throw things, gets violent.

Well, she started her tirade and I told her I had had enough. She threw something at me and I called 911. While I was on the phone with 911, she slapped me on the head twice. When the deputies came, they arrested her for domestic violence. She spent the weekend in jail. This morn we discovered the newspaper printed her name in the sheriff's log. She is so lost already, I'm angry, overwhelmed, sick to my stomach... How did my life become this? We were the house everyone loved to visit. This could impact my daughter's job, my job, etc...

And, where's the cause of all this tumult? He's at his girlfriend's smoking weed and getting drunk. Addicts sit in the eye of the storm while the rest of us fly around in the hurricane. My daughter is so angry and I don't blame her.

None of us deserved this. He stays comfortably numb.

Hang in there, find an Al-Anon meeting, it helps. It also helps in terms of what to tell your kids.

Heather

Ed... ^^^ Why the excuses for W's behavior?

Honestly, it's not your responsibility to give her "more advanced notification" of things that go on in HER son's life. First off, she clearly should be showing more interest on her own, so she won't need YOU to tell her what to do in order to be an adequate parent.

Second... You're not her personal planner... You're not her secretary... and you can't be held responsible that she can't break plans with some old friend in order to witness an accomplishment in her child's life.

Here's the thing about plans... They're just PLANS. They can change at the drop of a hat. Especially when those plans are just to go hang out with an old buddy or whatever this is that's so pressing that she can't postpone it.

In your efforts to not feel overwhelmed, remember this: You're not responsible for her actions, no matter how much she tries to pin it back on you.

As for abandoning your job... I'm sorry to hear that, and I know that must be very tough... But I have faith that you will be able to refocus your life soon... At least to the point that you can find gainful employment.

I know that's not GAL in the strictest sense, but it may help with the detachment process if you dedicate an hour or two a day to doing something job-hunt related. Either way, once you land that next job, you'll automatically start feeling better about yourself and your situation.

Godspeed!

I know i would change plans at the drop of a hat.

I am torn between encouraging and fostering a good co-parenting arrangement and enabling.

I am conflicted as to why she tried texting me last week, the one i didn't get and therefore did not respond to.

I am confused if she is reaching out for help with her drinking, due to my friends wife having overdosed and now being in a coma for 7 days.

Is that what she momentarily was seeking from me?

I may have made a mistake by not exclusively validating her feelings, by adding in how much i cared when i saw her doing the same thing to herself and that i was helpless to do anything about it.

Should i now contact her and see how her feelings are doing?

Thank you so much for the supportive words and understanding.

Ed

Well, i did call her to see how her feelings were doing. It was a nice, light conversation and she brought up things that her dad had informed her of about additional abandonment episodes during her early youth due to her moms addictive behaviors.

Also, how that stirred up further resentments against her mom, but that she has dealt with those additional issues now and feels she has put it in the past.

Also, she mentioned about how she never got along with her dad previous to him getting cancer and passing away this past April 28th, but that she had the opportunity to get closer to him during his illness.

I feel ever so slightly that she is opening the door just a crack, but i don't want to react too aggressively and pursue.

How do i go from here?

My intent is to still keep a polite distance and hear her out if she wants to discuss anything.

She does want me to keep her updated on my friends wives condition. She stated that she thought that she was the last person she would have thought would have relapsed so hard, especially with the drugs added in to the equation. There has been at least 3 acquaintances she knew besides her parents who died of earlier than expected circumstances in the past 9 months.

Ed

One more thing.

2 weeks ago when she was telling me about her one new friend that was helping her, "Find Herself", and sort of reconnecting with God, i validated that persons character and told her she sounded like a good friend to have. It sounds like she is a nice person, i said.

Then my wife stated, "Oh, I'm sure you will get a chance to meet her some time soon".

For what reason would she make it sound like i would meet one of her new friend?

I know. Believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do.

BUT, even in their lies, or distorted half truths, is there not a fragment of truth contained?

I will try to focus on GAL, job hunting and financial stuff, like applying for HAMP/HARP mortgage loan modifications.

Ed

"When i die, i want to be remembered as a good Wife, a good Mom and a good Family member".

She wrote that in September, 2008. 2 months before her mom got ill and eventually died.

That was the person she was and i still want to find that buried character once again.

I really am taking this detachment and GAL seriously.

I SO Much wanted to call her later today, but didn't. I know that would be pursuing.

I didn't.

But i want to so badly.

I spent alot of time yesterday and earlier today reading through the Stickied threads, especially the ones in the mid-life crisis section, the one for MLC 101 for dummies and some other threads

It feels like accepting who she is now would mean that i accept giving up on her.

I wonder, if she is now looking at her drinking for one of first times since this ordeal began is making her reflect on the decisions she has made.

It may take many more introspective looks and additional consequences and Yes, it may NEVER change her.

These all are Just my thoughts. Not my actions.

Don't give up on me please.

I can't help having memories and thoughts, and feel safe sharing them here.

I am doing affirmative action steps and need to do more and continue doing so.

I have good and busy stuff scheduled for tomorrow. Try to see if my commercial property neighbor is interested once i bring them the plat of survey. Gather past 6 months bills and bring them to my accountant to proceed with HUD Hamp/Harp application process. Get past 3 years worth of deposits and payments history from my former business bank checking account. Take my son to the evening karate class. Take him to his library book reading club.

I did Not call her.

I prefer not to inform her of comments our Son has made. Guilt will not do any good, even if it's true and accurate.

1. No, i do not miss ma-ma as much as i thought i would. I thought i would be sad, but I'm only a little sad, because ma-ma was never around too much and never does anything with us.

2. Ma-ma is not part of our family dad, you and me are the family.

3. At Catechism class this past week..... I Prayed for ma-ma to come back home and get back together with you and for her to stop drinking.

I hear these and realize how it has internally affected him.

She doesn't know about this and does not have to be concerned how her/our son is being affected.

***** After reading many other threads, i see too many people start to throw in the towel, even after just 6 weeks, or 6 months.

Are they too weak, or am i too pathetic? I really wish i would have signed up on this forum 3 years ago, right when i 1st found out.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda.........

I AM focusing on today, regardless of my thoughts that i shared, and am planning for many more tomorrows.

I am trying to look forward to fixing My life. It seems so desperately sunken but i still have to try as hard as i can. I lost my dreams that were once reality, but i do not want to sink any further. My son needs me to be stronger for him.