Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Staying off the ride 1 - mixed signals

hi tumbling..

the back and forth you have experienced can be so frustrating and scary and can trigger all sorts of feelings... and can be a bit addictive in that you are always on edge waiting and hoping for the next "fix" to ease all those uncomfortable feelings..

i play games with my mind sometimes to take the edge off.. like remind myself that i am not ready for a healthy R w/ W until i get emotionally healthy and that this time is for just that, it is for me to grow and is necessary for any good R in the future..

and i remind myself that this is a long road... that my W also has her issues to work on and that any change, if it happens, will take time.. and how can i use this time for my best?

i also studied a bit about MLC and co-dependency and love addiction and... to reinforce that this is a long road and to understand it better..

i focused on finding new things... books, activities, people, sights, learning... as the brain loves novel experiences..

and i spent a lot of time here at the picnic with these wonderful people who helped me keep my back to the castle.... and supported me when i would turn around and the view would knock me to my knees to stand back up and stay on the blanket and focus on me.

((((((((( )))))))))))

Journalling and insight

Thanks Tori. I do feel good about my attitude this time.
I am using my 40 things to focus on as GAL activities.
I like the idea of visualising my life in the future and how I want it to be.
BUT I'm going to change it to visualising my self in the future and how I want to be in the first instance.

For me that is about being the person I am when I am in the place I wanted to emigrate to - Canada. I feel really alive there, in touch with me, in the now and I always have "adventures" when I am there. When I returned last summer, after 11 years, I was filled with trepidation that it/I wouldn't be how I remembered. But at the end of my first day I was riding round the downtown area on the back of a Harley when the sun was setting!

My IC and I call the adventurous, positive, yes to anything, carefree, travelling Tumbling - Canada Girl (CG) - and I've come to realise in writing this post that she seems to get lost when I'm in a relationship (not just w H). CG is who H met and she started to disappear from the moment we lived together. I need to think more on reasons why and what I can do to fix that.

I think the PMA I have right now belongs to CG but I'm not exactly in a relationship, am I?

CG knows exactly how to GAL (e.g riding on a Harley etc), she just doesn't seem to be great in relationships... O,I've just realised, CG was kind of around in MAR-JUN when H & I were doing OK/hanging out/no R talk just being...

Tumbling

PS Sorry if I have confused everyone with this side of my personality but I find it interesting that this part of me checks out when I am with someone - she sticks around for my friends tho...

Do you think women give up too much of themselves in relationships? I'm beginning to believe this. I've been in one relationship after another since I was 19 and I'm trying to find myself now.

Maybe I'm "city girl"? I have a condo in the city and I'm most alive and happy there, even by myself...?

Thanks, Canada girl!

Hey City Girl!
I don't know if we lose ourselves. I remember thinking H was the guy for me cos he loved/accepted me as I was & I felt I didn't need to be anything else. Other guys had been controlling & I felt insecure w them - not pretty/thin enough etc (totally over that hang up now).

I took a year thinking about marrying H (after he asked me) & whether I could give up my 6 yr plan of emigrating & I decided I was ready to be a 'grown up' - marry, mortgage etc.

But I really struggled w keeping a house, cooking, food shopping & the never empty laundry basket. I once said I felt like I had concrete boots on in the reservoir. It was so mundane compared to travelling for 3 mths every yr on my own. And I had this perfect image in my head of how M & a wife was supposed to be & I couldn't live up to it.

I think M didn't live up to either of our expectations but we didn't know what to do about it. I still had my freedoms, I holidayed w g/f for a wk every yr as well as holiday w H but CG went awol.

I had 2 yrs without a R 23-25yrs & that's when I found out who I was. Changed my career (was in finance), moved to UK to go back to uni (masters in marine mgmt) at 29 & met H there. Stayed.

And now I'm in this sitch.

Sorry for long post.

It's good to feel alive, happy on our own so maybe you are City Girl, SS.
and I see on your thread that City Girl knows what she wants.
Can your H accept City Girl? Can City Girl accept H?

I feel my bestest as adventuresome Canada Girl & she did exist w H until we lived tog (only guy I lived w). I need to work on why she disappears around H as H is currently preferring to hang out w a guy friend who offers adventures...he even described his actions (preferring friend to hanging w me) like being bored w an old toy in June.

Funny thing is, I found H boring too sometimes as he never had ideas of things to do. And when I suggested stuff, he said no & I go without him or sulk. He also said he didn't like doing things just w me as we always 'talked'. Mmmm, there's a 180 in here somewhere.

I think trying to be the best at being a wife (cooking, cleaning 'till spotless, doing all the laundry) is losing ourselves, too. Right now, H and I are separated and I have to admit, I love eating what I want (dinner two days in a row has been hummus and crackers!), cleaning less often, small laundry loads, and not making my bed!

Why can't we continue this when we live with men? Is it us...or them?

LOL! Exactly the same SS! I have home out for lunch most days & smacked in the evening. Haven't pushed a Hoover in over a wk etc. H said he didn't expect me to do any of those things when we were tog so it must have been me trying to model behaviour.

Also he cld see how stressed I got about it & said to relax but if I didn't do it, it wasn't done. Cleaning was a regular row as I wanted p'ship in running our home.

Maybe we were subconsciously trying to ensure they didn't leave.
I have a fridge magnet now that says - a clean house is a sign of a wasted life!

I need that magnet!! I do feel like we lose ourselves as well. I cook and do laundry, but I am not a homemaker by any means. I finally hired some cleaning people this year because I got tired of my H complaining about the mess in the house. But he also complains that I don't take interest in his activities. Hard to see you can't do both. And he wasn't helping. Maybe it depends on the age of the man and what his mother did?

It's hard to be "us" when we are trying to do all of this other stuff around the house. Not enough time in the day.

Popcorn, my favorite quick dinner!

ss hits the nail on the head everytime.

awh, thanks, bug! i wish i were smarter, sooner...

but i do think a lot of what we do to ourselves is self-imposed. and a lot of our resentments creep in from there.

i would need to re-negotiate with h for any future life together. i don't think he would have much of a problem with it since it would give me more time to do things with him, which is his LL.

i also think it's important to keep re-negotiating what we want and need.