Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need some hope.

Thanks! Yeah, I understand. The last thing we wanna see is the harmful info. It's a very good way!

I am right there with you. I have messed up too many times myself. My W attended a fall festival (we are S, and I have been served D papers), and I blew it afterwards. I said my goodbyes and then asked for her to reconsider counceling. She told me to stop pushing, she has nothing left to give, and that she regrets coming.

JLH, i'm sorry to hear that. I can relate. My H didn't say he wanted nothing to do with me but his action showed it. So do you have any idea what you are going to do?

Actually going out partying would personally be my last choice for GAL activities. Take up painting, sketching, riding a bike, hiking, walking, running, lifting weights, lunch, pilates, swimming, dinner or a movie with old friends, ceramics, throwing pottery, flying a kite, picnic in the park, go to the art museum, catch a play, etc. etc. It always baffles me when people say "I don't want to go out partying, so I can't GAL". Or "I can't afford to GAL." Who says it has to cost money? Who says GAL is about drinking until 2 am? It's not, it's about GETTING A LIFE. That means different things to different people, so borrow from my list or make your own. GAL is whatever it takes to get your mind off of your spouse and onto YOU It's about regaining control of your life, your PMA and your outlook.



Sure, you both played a part in it. You can't control him, so focus on your own faults and do 180's on them. Don't beat yourself up (I know it's easier said than done, we all do beat ourselves up at some point in the process). But try to look at your faults objectively and figure out the appropriate 180s for them.



It's not easy to implement changes to begin with because our minds covet the status quo, but stick with them and it gets easier until they becomes "normal" and aren't 180's anymore.

^^^ All great advice from AS. GAL becomes easy once you start in earnest. It is investing in yourself and most of it can be free and freeing. Its worth figuring this out sooner rather than later as it will help you clear your head a little.

Also wise advice on sticking with the change. I am five weeks into 180s and some are coming easier than others but consistency matters.

Thank you Williams, you might not know but reading your post right now helps me so much. I just was crying and hating myself for messing up, for not being consistent, and I was even thinking about going down to see H right away. But...I stopped myself. I'm going to work out and do things that I am in control of...Need to remind myself this....Again, thanks!

NinaNina,
I totally understand that it is difficult to change old behaviors. Emotions run high and on the surface. If you "practice" acting happy you eventually become a better actor/more natural, and it even does make you feel better sometimes. Eventually it won't seem like you need to try as hard.

I have a difficult time not crying around my husband as he tends to give me more attention and comfort, but I realize that it is not an "attractive" behavior that will entice him to be around me more. We all have things to work on...don't be so hard on yourself.

Thank you so much for the list AS. It helps a lot that I'm actually taking many off the list to try!! Thanks for pointing this out. I guess I was trying to say that after my experience with partying much, I wouldn't put it as my priority as to GAL, especially now. I think my mind keeps thinking about it is because I'm assuming my H is partying much right now. But yeah, I need to be in control of my own life, I'll try to stop wondering if he's doing this or that...hard tho.... And again thanks for pointing out the GAL thing. I feel like you reassured me how this is gonna help me and it's definitely a big help already. Thank you!! I really do not have much PMA right now and I realized that I really really need it! So I just drew something and I felt good

About 180... I'm a bit inconsistent on it before. Now, H shut off all the contact with me....I'm not reaching out for him now though, I'm not sure if it's my 180.... But right now, i really don't even know what I could do or say to show him I'm a better person/trying to be a better person.... Any idea on this situation?

And yeah, I'm more determined to keep my changes now, it's good for me, and for my marriage, and I really do not want to mess it up again, I haven't been this determined for awhile....a long while i guess....I feel like this is like zigzag, I know I'll feel weak again sometime but I'll make sure that I check in here to get more courage and not mess it up... Again, thanks!!

Thank you turtlegirl, thank you for understanding!! I'll really put effort into practicing now. I thought it was not that helpful before, but what you said totally makes sense. And based on how I messed up those times, I start to realize that I do need to practice! Thank you for your advice!

And thanks, I realized that too that i was no where near attractive when I cry around H. He used to care about me so much and comfort me when I cried....but now he just hates it I guess. I'll practice! I hope you do well on this too! I hope we'll be in good control of ourselves eventually!

Today I felt a bit lost control. But luckily, it was not for too long. I was thinking about the OW and I felt like I hate her so much that I want to somehow make her feel as bad as I do right now. But....I know I couldn't and I shouldn't. I feel lost again, this is like a roller coaster.