Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Studies in Feral Cats, part 4

oh, thought of one other thing regarding W, OM and how I knew his name, etc, as she asked how ...I said that they flaunted it last winter, no caller ID or name blocking, etc. W responded strongly to that...that she never wants to hear that she flaunted it, etc. She also said it wouldn't surprise her if I had paid for a background check, etc....I said, nope, just googled...OM had a pretty big and easy trail to follow across the internet...her reply "I don't want to know..."

Okay, that should cover the main points of the week now.

T^2

Thanks Snodderly,

I know I deviated from my "plan", went against my own advice as far as bringing up OM. I don't know, maybe I needed to change things up a wee bit for myself, do something (anything?) different. Maybe to show myself that I have changed, this wasn't pre-meditated.

As far as standing, that has not changed for the next 3 months per my plan...the patience is there, and with winter coming on and her SAD and issues with holidays, I know that I will have to dig deep as I plan on seeing more of Sundays crabbiness.


T^2

yet another thing regarding:


I did say in there that I have been forgiving her all along...which brought tears, well, more of them.

Just documenting for myself so I don't forget important (maybe) details.

Hey T, what an interesting place in your life.

I tried to picture you and W in those scenarios -- on the walk, in the car -- with her venting ... you validating, nodding, processing. MLC is a long road, isn't it? A road to discovery about ourselves and the value and meaning in life.

I've felt those feelings W's feeling (only feeling value as a mom). It had never occurred to me before that W's can look at their H's in a father role. It seems to me she looks at you that way and the idea of OM brings out romantic feelings in her.

There was a time I didn't feel those feelings for H either. But I didn't see it as a problem, although he did. I could only fantasize while we were ML to get through it. Sad, I know. It never occurred to me it could be different. I thought HE was the problem.

Also, the getting old thing is so scary. I feel I've aged 5 years in the last year. If your W is not appreciating how you love the way she looks, I can see it being frightening. I like what Snodderly said. She is so wise.

So much of what we, the LBS do, is listening, quietly growing and blooming, like a beautiful plant. But to the outsider it looks like we are doing nothing.

I think removing the ring for now is a good choice for you even as you continue to look for deep patience over these next three important, possibly volatile months. You'll know when to put it back on. And when you do....it will take on a new meaning for you.

As always, I applaud your steadfastness, your rocklike strength, even as you work to grow in the sensitive issues in life.

Always hoping and wishing for the best for you...and strength and courage to go on.

hi ya rH,

Thank you for what you shared...seems like our mlc spouses are working through their issues with opposite-gender parents with us... It is good to get your perspective and experience.



I don't know if "romantic" is the necessarily the dynamic with this OM...he is a lot younger, and very fem, from what I gathered from his public internet trails...I do know she has always been jealous of my brains and "old soul" knowledge and has expressed feeling inferior to me, so maybe somethings else like power, "male girlfriend", superiority mixed in there...? lol, who knows...maybe someday I will find out, maybe not. Big picture...it doesn't really matter.

I am sorry you H seems to be imitating Thelma and Louise regarding the D...it is so hard to just watch and accept...


T^2

Now that I think about it, it WASN'T always this way (except maybe the inferior part)...those qualities of mine she used to value, a lot...I have always told her I thought that because she reads a lot, and is interested in books and what people read, that it proves she isn't "unintelligent"...and that her emotional intelligence far outweighed mine and that I learned from her in the emotional realms.

Oh well, par for the mlc "opposite days" course, I reckon. She will have to figure it out and find her peace.

T2, thanks for sharing so freely your sitch. As RH has said it really does show that this is a long road. I guess our hope is that in the end we have built a much better M and have helped a friend through the MLC sickness, it does hurt to see the pain that each of our spouses are suffering.

Updating:

I got some new responsibilities at work, doing the sound for the college football coach's show, a nice (and fun!) change-up for me and nice to know I still have the skills and "ears" from my musician days. It is very deadlined and intense so it keeps my mind very focused on the present moment and not other things like my sitch, W, etc. And there is a nice energy being on campus...it's been so long I had forgotten.

We had a pretty good weekend, interactions and discussions went well. We even touched in small "bites" (thanks hrm!) the affairs and such, W had questions about some of "my stuff" about it (for lack of better way to phrase it). I reckon I got tested, got a chance to prove that I am not going to drag her through the mud and to the confessional about it, that I am moving forward and all. Since W has always projected most things into huge, catastrophic proportions, maybe this will help her ease her fear factors.

We seem to be working better as a team of parents. One "new" thing I noticed lately is that she has been complementing me on things I do, especially with the kids, my father skills are being validated and ....wait a minute...um...compliments...validation...she isn't DB'ing me now, is she??? *chuckle*

W is still pretty self-absorbed working through her stuff, still trying to control a lot of things that really aren't that big a deal. But, looking back at my own growth process, I can understand and not let it bother me. To each their own time and style of learning/growing, a nice thing to take away from this journey amongst so many lessons and growth.

Here is something I ran across by a female writer (with women as the target audience) trying to look into why I get "triggered" when W says she doesn't have "those feelings" for me:

"Physical intimacy is for men what emotional intimacy is for women."

Thoughts, discussion appreciated, as always...



T^2

T,
Sounds like the new assignment is going to be fun and yes, keep your busy as well. You'll enjoy this assignment becasue of the energy level. You needed a bit of a change and the man upstairs made sure you got it.

Your wife is working through her issues nicely and yes, she's starting to learn how to acknowledge the things that you do. This is a major step in the right direction because she's more aware of you and how you are dealing w/things, etc.

She'll get through the self absorption in time. She will need to learn what is a big deal and what is not...allow her to stumble a bit in order to learn from this.

BTW, I have heard the comment that the female writer wrote about concern physical versus emotional intimacy.

Don't worry...as she continues to move forward, the depression will melt and the feelings for you will return. Keep in mind, she is still suffering from depression and it will take time for the fog to lift completely...patience, my friend. Good things come to those who wait.

Enjoy the new assignment!

Thank you Snodderly!

The new assignment is just 1 day a week, a nice change-up, then back to regularly scheduled programming.

Now I just have to figure out some other change-ups in my daily life...not that what I am doing is inadequate or anything, just a couple different things might keep my PMA at the level I want it to be.

First frost of the year tonight, so I have to remember to cover the garden beds..now where did the summer go?

Reading through AmyC and MFW posts again is helping shore me up for the winter.

Nothing much else...as of now...

T^2