Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis How do I deal with this text message

Not sure what DLS was thinking when that got posted

Have you read the posts by Cadet? If not, go back and read them again and again until they make more sense.

As for what to do? That my friend, is your decision. Nobody here can tell you the outcome, but I will strongly suggest that you do what you can live with.

I do NOT suggest you move out as you posted in one of your other threads. Just my suggestion though. Again, you have to do what's right for YOU and your family.

Keep something in mind as you decide. This is not about you. Not in any way shape or form. I know the story you told for the most part.

Read. Read as much as you can on these boards.

AJ

Dealing with the confusion of the MLC

Hello All

I am stuck in a very tough situation.

I have been since basically March 2011.

As of now I have been under phone counseling from a DB counselor since 3/15/2012 and I thank God for her everyday – she has helped me hang in there. Read the DR book by Michelle.

My wife asked me for a separation on 3/31/2012 she was so pissed and angry saying things like:

I don’t remember one day in my life when I loved you, I never loved you, I am dying to have sex just not with you etc. You are a loser you don’t make enough money anymore, I had made most of the money in our relationship up until about 2008 when my business failed. At that time she made good money and I was a stay home dad 3 days a week and I worked 2 jobs and I made about $40,000 a year. She never told me she was upset and hated the fact that she made more money than me. My wife had a very good job that paid her $100,000.00 per year. When she asked me for the separation she tried to get me to move out overnight. Well I didn’t move out and 2 months later she had a huge argument with the owner of her company and lost her job. Her bosses love my wife like a daughter she is one of the 1st 10 people they hired now the company has over 124 employees they gave her $5000 for our wedding and they paid for our honeymoon. They loved this girl.

This is the fall of her since then.

Asks for separation/divorce.
Loses job.
Starts smoking again after 10 years.
Out drinking most weekends with a couple that has an open marriage
Goes on vacation to her parents house for 10 days in august – she would never leave my son alone for 1 night now she leaves for 10 days.
Opens a new credit card on 4/15/2012 by 6/30/2012 there is over $8000 in charges on it purchased are mostly cloths and shoes.
She is up all night on the front porch smoking and playing video games.
Still not working

Here is were it gets more confusing her parents come for a visit from 8/25/2012 to 9/10/2012 she told them she is divorcing me but they treat me like everything is normal. While there are here my wife says she wants a new kitchen so my father in law agrees to install one for her. He is coming back up in November to install it. He is coming up in March to install a new bathroom for us.

She has not mentioned divorce or separation since 7/18/2012. But when I go out she never asks where I am going ( nor do I ask her where she is going ) I stayed out overnight she never asked or cared where I was. If you see my other posts about her texts seems she is looking for a new man.

We still go to church every Sunday and spend Sundays together – she still comes to my parents house with me. She still accidently calls me babe but always corrects herself right away.

Here is my dilemma my sister in law is getting married on 10/20/2012 I am not invited to the wedding, she is like my sister too I know her since she was 16 years old. Additionally I want to see my son as he is the ring bearer. I want to go to the church so I am going to ask her to go. My DB counselor says I should ask and I should be there since she is STILL my wife no matter what she thinks. I am scared out of my mind to bring it up because it is pursueing and I don’t do that stuff anymore.

Those of you who have lived through this how do you deal with the up and down and all around

Funny she just called me at work and I asked who is this she got all pissed off and said – who is this ??? – Hmmmm

See what I a mean she is like a crazy person

Any advice of what I should do or not do in my situation we have not made love since 1/29/2012 and have not kissed since 3/30/2012 I know it ain’t all about sex but the no “ I love you’s” affection hugging touching or kissing has been very hard for me.


Thanks for you time !!

Sunny
Me-49 W-41
M-9yrs T-15
6 year old boy
She turned 40 and BAZINGA
W gave me the ILYBINILWY speech - Oct 2011 next day she came out of it for a month like we were newly weds - Distant and cold from 12/11 to 1/12
I Don't love you at all 2/14/2012
I don't remember a day in my life when I loved you 3/31/2012 I want a divorce
Threatening to call mediator since 6/2012
Still in the same house, separate bedrooms

In my Welcome post I told you that DETACH was the single most important thing you could DO.

Did you understand that?

When you are spending time together are you detached?

What is spending time together accomplishing for you?

If you were dating her and had NO HISTORY what would you do?

Well everything I am doing my DB phone counselor told me to do ?? Now I am really confused

How about you tell us what the counselor said to do?

So we can see where the advice is different.

Snooping to me is a good thing - this is one thing I don't understand -- she's my wife if I find out she is cheating it makes my decisions to stay and fight considerably different.

What seems to me like she is trying to punish us so badly - I don't get it I really don't.

I am doing everything she says to do I still do my chores around the house, still make dinner 3 nights a week - we always spend Sundays together going to church etc.

In terms of her wanting to fix up the house e.i. the kitchen and bathroom my DB coach says to say fine - whatever you want is fine when I am dying to say "HEY IF WE ARE SEPERATING WHY ARE WE PUTTING IN A NEW KITCHEN AND BATHROOM" which is what I want to say but she says not to -- so whatever my DB coach says to do I do it basically. She told me not to go dark just be the best husband and father I can be.

Thanks for your help Cadet
Me-49 W-41
M-9yrs T-15
6 year old boy
She turned 40 and BAZINGA
W gave me the ILYBINILWY speech - Oct 2011 next day she came
out of it for a month like we were newly weds - Distant and cold from 12/11 to 1/12
I Don't love you at all 2/14/2012
I don't remember a day in my life when I loved you 3/31/2012 I want a divorce
Haven't made love since January 2012
Haven't kissed or touched since March 2012
Threatening to call mediator since 6/2012
Still in the same house, separate bedrooms

Oh I forgot to add I have been doing multiple 180's since April as well.

Just stick with this advice for the moment.

Understand that DIVORCE = SPACE.
It is a codeword, so when she says she wants it she is asking for space.
If you can give her space some other way and be a great husband and father then do that.

DB101 = Do what works!

Those 180's real? Are they because you see the need to change in yourself or because you think they'll get her back?