Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What should I do? Which technique to use?

""not to sound concieted, but I could get anybody I want, I chose you so you should remember that". "

Seriously? No, she needs to KNOW she's replacable. The only way to do that is to kick her out or at least show her you mean business. That's just IMHO.

Sorry if I missed it, but why did you get divorced?

sandi2, ugh, for "more of the same behavior" that I've done in this R. I thought I had worked on things and I had gotten marignally better but as soon as things got rough I reverted to my old ways. One more reason I want to keep re-reading DR, my other R books, and these new ones 5LL and MMSLP. The talking down to her and such.


Last night was alright, things have been ok, and this morning was for the most part. I was trying to make sure I had stuff for work and she asked me something and I was kind of mumbling my answer b/c I was thinking about work stuff. When I tell her that she starts in on how she deals with 3 kids and me and can still answer questions, that I'm a smart person so it shouldn't be that hard. She's getting upset and is leaving and I get a little huffy as I'm walking away. She calls out in a snide way "you're welcome for the compliment." To me, it was a backhanded compliment. Bike wouldn't start so she had to come back to drive me to work, things were alright by then and on the ride to work. When I'm getting out she tells me to have a good day and I try throwing in, "have a good day beautiful" and don't give her a chance to say anything, just head into work.

Now, I'm still a little concerned about all this Steve stuff. With my position, if she's really going after Steve or anybody else then I need to cut my losses and bail. I'm checking on stuff here and there for my own good, primarily financially. Let's just put it this way, once I'm at work this morning I come across this FB account with her first name and Steve's last name but my FB account is blocked from it.

I call her and ask her and her tone gets soft and she says it was part of the joke and asks me how I saw it. I tell her not to worry about that, I want to know if there's something she needs to tell me. She says no, it's just part of the joke and she thought it had been deleted.

After we go back and forth through calls and texts she tells me she called Steve and he had logged into that account not knowing it would show up as active again. He claims his ex is on his ass again so he had changed his status back to in a R so his ex would leave him alone. She says that she's tired of proving herself to me when she isn't doing anything.

I tell her that I'm tired of the jokes, games, and tests. I tell her that while she chose me, I chose her too. That I chose a relationship with her, her kids, and that after thinking there hasn't been much in the past month or two to keep me in the R, not much in the way of bonding or intamcy. I tell her that I admit things were going better this week until now.

She responds, "oh ok, I wouldn't test you if you didn't keep accusing me" and says that things were getting better until I decided to spy again.

I tell her that I keep getting accused and told how easily I could be cheated on. I say I kick-started the same old cycle which isn't good but the jokes and games end. I tell her that ppl need to stop thinking that either of us are doing things with other ppl and I'm done, I'm not fighting about it.

She says nobody is thinking she's doing anything except me so nothing I said makes sense and that she's done fighting for today.

I wait a long while, trying to decide how to respond. I finally figure that I've said my piece about how I chose her as well and I'm not putting up with anymore "jokes" or games or fake Rs. I remember what DR says, that if you slip up you need to backpeddle just as quickly as possible. I start asking myself what will get me closer to my goal and if I'd rather be right or happy. I decide to say, "It wasn't your fault that he logged back into that account, I'm sorry. I hope the rest of your day gets better." She responds, "Thanks".

She can't keep blaming you as being the reason. She doesn't fully understand this issue with trust. She should be showing her understanding rather than brushing off your concerns. If she wants to have a long and fulfilling relationship with you, she needs to be completely transparent where you can check up on her phone or computer logs without her chastising you. And vice versa.

Have you ever thought of going into relationship counseling with her?

That is how I feel, she wants me to trust her completely but then keeps hiding stuff. She doesn't want to validate my feelings, just blame me, so in turn I react and get more sucpicious. She says she doesn't check my stuff b/c she trusts me.

The thought has crossed my mind about counseling. We can't afford it though and so I have thought about bringing up some R books I have. Not DR but other ones that are about communication and R building. I've thought about it being my final shot, if I'm to the point where I'm going to end the R I tell her that we need to read and work through these books together. If she doesn't want to, the R is over.

I'm reading MMSLP and geez, some of the stuff I just want to implement but it seems to go so agains DR.

I think it's that quietly confident, quietly alpha, that I need to work on. As MMSLP says some alpha behavior just makes you a thug I think that's what I've done, yelling for instance.

Oh, and in the heat of an arguement, she'll say, "do you want to see the texts?" or something similar. She'll offer up to me at that moment to let me review what she's been talking about. I've said "no" every single time so far b/c it's in the heat of an arguement.

MrBond, since you are a proponent of me kicking her out, or at least making it very clear she'll get kicked out, do you think that when I told her today I am done with the jokes, games, and fake Rs that I made it clear enough?

I didn't out and out say, "do it again and you're out" but I just stated clearly that I'm done with it. In my mind, if anything else "pops up" or whatever, I'm telling her the R is over. Now, easy enough to think that now and not follow through if it happens.....yikes, I know.....I figure what I need to do in the meantime is really focus on my self-confidence and get it in my head that I have high value and she won't stray.

"do you think that when I told her today I am done with the jokes, games, and fake Rs that I made it clear enough?"

No. Sounded like she blew you off. When a person is mindful of another's feelings about an issue. They don't "test" or act testy. They do everything they can to help the other person out of compassion. She sounds very immature.

So another option would be to see if she's open to counseling. Something needs to be done so that her eyes are open to YOUR needs and concerns and that they aren't trifle things.

Fair enough. Since I can't do counseling due to cost I have to figure out something else.

My first thought is that I keep working on detachment (it was working until I confronted her about this FB account), work on MMSLP stuff behind the scences, if I see an opening I'll bring up the R books I have so that we can do self-help counseling, and if anything else fishy comes up I'll have to take drastic action and do the After LRT and kick her out...even like DR says, I'll have to be prepared to end it for real but maybe if I truly end it and cut off all contact it'll be enough kick in the pants to turn things around.

I saw improvement this week as I started LRT and 180's, so I should get back on track with that to begin with that.