Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What should I do? Which technique to use?

One of my biggest problems is that when I'm not a doormat, I go to the opposite extreme and become a complete a-hole.

Haven't read "married Man Sex Life Primer".

First off you don't have to apologize to her. You were only suspicious because she had actions that made you suspicious. She has no right to "test" you.

And come on. All she does is FB and asks YOU to make breakfast for her? Then threatens to leave you because you look at her computer? You're not her butler. SHE has to earn your trust. Not the other way around.

Just got 5LL & MMSLP for Kindle. Going to do some reading with those before making any rash decisions.

Right now, I still want this R to work. With that in mind, I have to remember to be patient and not act if I'm not sure how to act.

Going to read a bit and see if I can implement other ideas into LRT.

While those are great books, they may not be the right things to implement at this time. I mean seriously, you take care of her baby, house her and her family and she's threatening you.

Did you read DR? Follow the rules first.

Why did you get divorced?

DB is about retraining yourself into different behaviors. Just keep reading and implementing the strategies and altering your behavior. You have to work hard at it to begin with, but the more you stick with it the more natural it gets. Eventually the new behavior becomes part of you. In your case your SO is engaging in some poor behavior and needs to change too, but often the only way we can change others is to change ourselves. But it takes time, you can't change one day and go back to "more of the same" the next. Stick with it.



It kind of dovetails with DBing. In your case it sounds pretty clear that you're engaging in a lot of beta behavior (taking care of baby, doing domestic stuff, etc.) and little or no alpha. Ultimately you want to be a mix of alpha and beta. MMSLP will help you understand the difference and give you strategies for improving yourself in that area. It'll also teach you what to do when you're being tested, how to respond.

MrBond, I have read DR but as you've even said, we aren't married and there is no true commitment. I've decided to give it until the end of October and see if there are improvements. If there are zero improvements, or I don't think the improvements warrant continued effort, I'm going to end the R if she hasn't already. If I believe the improvements are going where I want the R to go I might give it more time.

Everybody here is right, I'm trying to implement DB when there was no marriage and no threat of D. My sitch is odd to be sure and I appreciate everybodies feedback.

I plan on reading those books for my own benefit and *possibly* using those strategies in the current R. Even DR says to GAL and read self-help books. If this R end then hopefully I'll be better equipped for future R's having read those books. A better understading of love languages and alpha/beta balance can't hurt.


sandi2, ugh, for "more of the same behavior" that I've done in this R. I thought I had worked on things and I had gotten marignally better but as soon as things got rough I reverted to my old ways. One more reason I want to keep re-reading DR, my other R books, and these new ones 5LL and MMSLP.


AnotherStander, right, I know she's engaging in bad behavior but after thinking, re-reading, and thinking more I realized that what I was doing - arguing, fighting, yelling, and trying to force her to change - wasn't going to work, I have to just change myself, get back to where I was a few months ago, and I'll be doing what's best for me and *possibly* get her to change.

I don't think I have a clear understanding of alpha behavior. I think in my mixed-up mind that when I'm acting the a-hole I'm being alpha, but even if there's something alpha in that it's not the positive kind of alpha people are talking about, hence, wanting to read MMSLP.

Journal:

Last night I get home and her and the kids are there. She's cooking me dinner since they had already eaten. She's also running the dishwasher which she hasn't done in awhile. I start playing a video game with one of the kids and she gets a little huffy asking if I'm going to eat. I tell her yes, just that she said she was cooking and I just started playing with the kids.

She always wanted me to take initiative with the kids, to play with them and interact with them, so I think she's a little torn because I'm doing that but she feels neglected because she was trying to be really nice and get me a hot meal. I get the other kid to play and go eat, I thank her but she's downcast about it and won't even say, "you're welcome." Whatever, I go eat.

She has homework to do for her class and asks if I can clean up and keep an eye on the baby while she does it. Fine, I want to be supportive of her class so I agree, partly too because she went to the effort to have a hot meal ready for me. While I'm cleaning in the kitchen she starts talking to me about her class. I do a mix of giving her full attention and continuing to clean. The conversation is really easygoing, much more like when our relationship started. She gets back to her homework and I'm done with what I can clean for now so I go back out and play with the baby and play video games. I'm having fun with the kids which makes me feel good to relax and have fun, the kids are seeming to feel more comfortable with me again, and she's staying calm and doing her homework.

She finishes up and plays a video game with us. For the first time in a long, long while, we are all playing together like a family. The picking on each other and laughing are present. Then it's time for the kids to get to bed. We are watching TV together and talking, just normal friend talk, nothing serious. Kids get into it while showering and I step in, I'm not mean but I am firm that they need to get their showers and get to bed.

They're begging their mom to go to bed (attachment issues, they don't like going to bed if mommy isn'g going) but she actually tells them that we are adults and don't need to go to bed yet. She sends them up and we continue watching TV and talking here and there. I let her lead the conversation so that I'm responsive and friendly but not chasing her through conversation.

Kids won't really get to bed and I go up, lights on, one's crying over something silly, and once again, I'm not mean but I am firm that it's time to lay down and get to sleep, that they should have been asleep already. I make sure they're lying down and turn off the light. Finally, we are ready for bed. She heads up first to get ready while I'm making sure dog goes out one last time and house is locked up properly.

I get up there and get ready. I'm not timid about getting in bed or where I lay. We get the baby to sleep and finish up one last TV show. We turn off the TV and I say nothing, I'm laying comfortably in the bed just ready for sleep.

I hear her say something and I ask her what she said. She says that she said "goodnight" so I tell her goodnight. She then says, "I had a nice night." I say, "thanks, me too." Off to sleep and while I help with the baby a little throughout the night (I like the baby and she took medicine for her cold that knocks her out so I don't want the baby to suffer)I don't stress myself with it. In the morning, I hardly wake up while she gets the kids off to school. I don't offer help and she doesn't ask for help.

My alarm goes off and she isn't back in bed and I don't hear anything downstairs. I get a phone call from her shortly after that where she's telling me one of the kids forgot stuff for school and she has to come home and shower and change before going into a public school. She's telling me about the weather in case I need a ride and we are coordinating that. I tell her if it's just a drizzle I can take the motorcycle.

She gets back and showers. I come upstairs because I need to get ready and she's topless and closes the bathroom door part way when I turn the corner. I get the baby dressed and while she's in a tank-top and underwear I walk into the bathroom to tell her that the dishwasher didn't work correctly for some reason and I don't know why, just letting her know.

Interesting thing is that she doesn't freak at her state of dress/undress, she just says, "really, I had soap in it." I say, "I know, I don't know what happened." I'm calm and not blaming her at all, just relaying information so things stay calm. She asks if I ran and it and I tell her no because I still need a shower first.

She comes out, I tell her she looks nice and she thanks me, and I ask if she's done in the bathroom. She tells me yes, that she's getting going to run the stuff to the school. I get in the bathroom and she calls through the door, "since we'll be gone before you come out, have a good day." I respond, "thanks, you too. Have a good class too."

I'm about ready to leave for work when she calls me again. She is going grocery shopping (yesterday I was making a timid list of what I wanted but after the posts on here I decided to just say what I wanted, it's my money after all so I shouldn't be timid) today and asks if she can get an item for the baby. I tell her yes, then she asks if she can buy breakfast. I hesitate for a min and say yes. She says she doesn't have to and I tell her it's fine, go ahead. She then tells me that she'll get me something too and drop it off at work so I tell her what I want.

I get to work and look at my phone, she texted me already that she's waiting out back. I go out and thank her and she keep giving me a "wait a min" finger because she has food in her mouth. She tells me that she's not sure if she got me the right thing and I tell her not to worry about it, it's fine. I tell her again to have a good day and see ya later. She says bye and I walk away.


I was just relaxing last night and this morning and things were much better, much more peaceful. Things were more like they were months ago. I long for the intimacy but know I need patience and not to over-react because she's trying to see if the changes will stick. I'm working hard at staying at that emotional baseline and not ruining the little progress I've made. She's probably waiting to see if I try jumping right back into touching her again or pressing her for sex, so I have to be really careful of those things and be careful not to look at her in a sexual craving kind of way. I also can't start chasing again just because we had one good night. It's that pursuit/distance dynamic that I have to keep in mind. What I really liked was what a nice night last night was and that in bed, my distance and lack of initiating conversation, prompted her to say good night and tell me that she had a nice night. Then, even though it was self-serving in many ways, she still thought of me and to bring me breakfast.

Oh, thinking about one more thing, she's said to me a few times, "not to sound concieted, but I could get anybody I want, I chose you so you should remember that". From the little I've read of MMSLP so far, it sounds like that whole self-value, sex rank thing. I need to step up my game, establish that SHE is replaceable, and just as much as she chose me, I chose her and can choose to end this as well.

Good! You're learning! Sounds like you handled yourself quite well throughout the day. Now focus on sticking with your 180's, it's great that she's already warming up to you but it can quickly unravel so it's important to stick with it. Don't have any expectations though, just stick with the game plan.



Yes, exactly. The idea isn't to make her feel worthless, but to just make it clear that your happiness isn't contingent upon being with her. She's trying to make you feel like she's out of your league and you should therefore bow to her every whim. You just need to show her that that's not the case. This is part of what detachment does, it shows her you will have a happy, satisfying life with or without her.