Honestly Kimmer, first on your H's... woah... behaviour...
OK, there looked like a few "touch and gos" in there, but what really came through to me... and first, remember that depression is PART of MLC, even if it's a stage of MLC... So depression is the underlying drive, whereas the stage of depression would be... as HB would say... where they "face their daemons"...
So having said that, it looks like your H may have been in the depression stage... and then triggered and went right back to replay and even revisited anger for a bit... again, remembering that the first stages will still overlap the others...
And... running back into the tunnel... does not always mean they'll be in replay for as long as they were, the last time... although, there are those that appear to get stuck... for the rest of their lives...
I guess, if it's more fun "in there", then who wants out?
I am sure there are those that would just say your H is an a$s and to leave him hang and reduce any and all exposure to your kids... yet... you know him best... do you really believe he would otherwise mean ill to your children? If he's tormented internally by what's going on and certainly his words suggest he regrets some of the things he does, even though he still does them... *shrug*
IDK... I would like to think your kids aren't at risk from him, although emotionally... would you be OK with at least explaining to the kids that their dad is working through some things and sometimes seems mean, even though you are sure he loves them... and then tell them to kick him in the arse when he's like that to them?
Ummmmm......a TAD? He sounds pretty badly OCD to me.
I suggest you read The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing by Rapoport - an excellent book on OCD.
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And why oh why guys...Why do the guys start shaving their private parts?
They do it to fit in with the young women they want to bed. Apparently everyone under thirty is busy spending all their time removing all their body hair. (I didn't get the memo! And lucky me, I found a boyfriend who actually LIKES that I still have pubic hair.)
Hmmmmm......OCD, shaving his junk, bipolar mood swings - are you sure you aren't married to my ex??? This is all sounding VERY familiar.
Kimmerz, Your xh hasn't hit the "deep, dark" depression yet. Depression overall is one of the main contributors to mlc, but it's nothing like the deep, dark depression.
I believe your daughter knows her father quite well and she's a very wise young lady. The less you tell him, the better.
Enjoy your day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it. Like I said, Im still in relationship autopsy, but this time around it's different due to the fog being gone, and I can really see things for the way they were. When you're around that kind of crazy, you really start to question if it's you or not. I've spent alot of the last few years of our marriage trying to "normalize" his behavior, but as time marches on I can see there's nothing normal about it.
Honestly Im really beginning to think he has bi polar disorder and it just threw him into MLC...given depression is the driver of MLC in the first place. XH told me years ago that he used to have times when he'd be really depressed and he never understood why during his teens. He said it would last a day or two, or sometimes a week or two, and then it would be gone. He said he got used to it and learned it would pass. BINGO. I also found a link somewhere here in the archives how BI polar disorder can really look like Narcissism but there is a difference. XH fit Bi polar to a T. Hmmm....
At this point I know our children are safe with him. However if the OCD issues get worse and his "control freak" gets freakier, then something will have to be done. He normally only has the girls 1 night a week. Though OW seems "out to lunch" and not into starting a blended family, I do feel if XH got realy crazy she'd make sure the girls were safe and put XH in his place. Her Xh had a history of mood disorders too. Looks like she's attracted to that sort of thing and is repeating something.
Honestly that's the stance I've taken with the girls. When he went nutts about the IPOD I just sat them down and told them that Dad has some issues and wasn't very mentally healthy. D12 looked me straight in the eye and said " I know mom. I know. I can really tell now. I just don't know what to do when he acts that way".
My XH is 6ft 1 and over 300 pounds. If he thought he was going to get some tail by shaving his tail now that's a delusion of granduer if I've ever heard it.
Thanks you guys! It really helps to have friends like you to talk to and help me get some things straight! Im forever grateful to you.
I am finding this discussion quite interesting. I am sitting at 7 months post bomb, but about a year and a half total into H's MLC.
He has been home this whole time. He mentioned leaving a few times around BD, but never did. He would pace around the house like a caged animal, or lay on the couch staring blankly at the tv. If I had to hear one more huge sigh from him, I was going to scream.
He hasn't acted like that in a long time, and I think the time for him to leave has passed. But who knows.
Living with him has had good and bad aspects. The bad... Well, living with someone who acts crazy. The good? Seeing changes in him I may not see if not around him all the time.
What interests me in this thread is the discussion about replay, depression and the other stages. What I have witnessed from my H is him cycling through the stages while continually being in replay. In the anger stage he was mean and cold, that's when bomb was dropped. Depression... He got pretty low. In reading HB's description of being on the verge of tears all the time and cutting themselves down in word and action, that summed up H's behavior.
He would say things like "I hate myself", "I f-ing disgust myself", "I'm a f-ing miserable mess", and "I'm a failure as a father and a husband". There were times I was left speechless as not knowing what to say to such self loathing.
He has withdrawn from most everything, except his parents/brother. He's stopped talking to his best friend (which of course is the friend's fault). During his anger/replay stage, he was going out every weekend and staying out till 3:00 am. If he even does go out now, he's home early.
The OW, which he has denied of course, has been lurking this whole time.
Now, not sure where he is at in his journey. He seems more like himself as time goes on, but I keep my distance and try not to get my hopes up. Not sure if he has already hit rock bottom or not. Guess only time will tell.
Am curious to hear if anyone else has witnessed these types of cycles with their S.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I am finding this discussion quite interesting. I am sitting at 7 months post bomb, but about a year and a half total into H's MLC.
He has been home this whole time. He mentioned leaving a few times around BD, but never did. He would pace around the house like a caged animal, or lay on the couch staring blankly at the tv. If I had to hear one more huge sigh from him, I was going to scream.
He hasn't acted like that in a long time, and I think the time for him to leave has passed. But who knows.
Living with him has had good and bad aspects. The bad... Well, living with someone who acts crazy. The good? Seeing changes in him I may not see if not around him all the time.
What interests me in this thread is the discussion about replay, depression and the other stages. What I have witnessed from my H is him cycling through the stages while continually being in replay. In the anger stage he was mean and cold, that's when bomb was dropped. Depression... He got pretty low. In reading HB's description of being on the verge of tears all the time and cutting themselves down in word and action, that summed up H's behavior.
He would say things like "I hate myself", "I f-ing disgust myself", "I'm a f-ing miserable mess", and "I'm a failure as a father and a husband". There were times I was left speechless as not knowing what to say to such self loathing.
He has withdrawn from most everything, except his parents/brother. He's stopped talking to his best friend (which of course is the friend's fault). During his anger/replay stage, he was going out every weekend and staying out till 3:00 am. If he even does go out now, he's home early.
The OW, which he has denied of course, has been lurking this whole time.
Now, not sure where he is at in his journey. He seems more like himself as time goes on, but I keep my distance and try not to get my hopes up. Not sure if he has already hit rock bottom or not. Guess only time will tell.
Am curious to hear if anyone else has witnessed these types of cycles with their S.
With a few variations (OW is confirmed), this has been exactly my life since BD in January. My H never moved out, but as of the first of last month was still planning to. He did the withdrawal thing, too, and now wants to cook for me and hang out with me. HUH?
I have read up on MLC, but not a lot. I just thought he was being stupid at first. I knew he had been depressed before, but didn't really see a connection until recently. I'm not sure if OW is still in the picture or not. I'm kind of leery as to what rock bottom will really be. Not sure if "worse than this" is something I'm up for.
XH told me years ago that he used to have times when he'd be really depressed and he never understood why during his teens. He said it would last a day or two, or sometimes a week or two, and then it would be gone. He said he got used to it and learned it would pass.
This was my ex. He used to call it "falling into the existential void". Happened a couple of times in our twenties, he'd be "blue" for a month, then go back to being his usual very energetic (I now see, hypomanic) self.
In his 40's, the lows got lower and the highs started to get more impulsive and irrational. But I was so used to it all by that time, I really didn't see the bipolar part of it until the end. Now in retrospect it seems obvious that he had a mild case. But since he spent most of his life in the very effective hypomanic phase, everyone just saw him as this super-effective person.
Yup...sounds like W now...the cycles are getting faster and faster lately. Trying to stay out of the way, trying to "match" her phase, but the control monster is prevailing at the moment...but it is better than the alien venomous spew monster of this last fall and winter.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
When you're around that kind of crazy, you really start to question if it's you or not.
Didn't you get the memo? We ARE the crazy ones...!
Originally Posted By: Kimmerz
I've spent alot of the last few years of our marriage trying to "normalize" his behavior, but as time marches on I can see there's nothing normal about it.
That... could be the understatement of the year...
Wow so it appears that within each stage the MLCer is in, they can cycle in and out of all the stages?
Im sorry...But SERIOUSLY???? Just when you realize how complicated MLC is, it gets worse.
Well like Kaffe said I didn't get the memo that I was the crazy one! LOL...
Ok but seriously this explains EVERYTHING now. Wow, amazing how they can be in one stage but cycle through the rest of them over and over again. No wonder we go completely batty!
Like KML I've really wondered if all the "good part" that everyone see's, even myself was his hypomanic phases. However it's been the last 7 years that these moods have just been swinging like mad.
6 years prior he was great! If he ever seemed a little quiet, he was usually just wanting my attention because we didn't get a chance to see eachother. We'd get some time together and everything was ok. He ACCEPTED my love and attention and reciprocated it. Lord it almost brings tears to my eyes how happy we really were at one time. When I talk about all the really hard times and how nasty he's been, it's been in the last 7 years it's been the worse.
Has anyone read any of Jim Conway's books? Can anyone recommend any book in particular of his that's a good one to start off with?
I read Jed Diamons'd The Irritable Male Syndrome, and that really opened up my eyes about alot of things and has helped me alot. It also really helped to hear that he suffered from andropause and how it really wreaked havoc in his marriage.
I guess I wish I could really grasp this anger phase. How these once nice people turn into self absorbed crooked liars! It makes me think, was our marriage an entire lie? I can't believe the irrational thoughts and actions of these MLCers, I still can't. I think alot of 18 year olds are more mature!
I don't think my XH will ever come out of Replay. As long as he's got his playmate he will stay wherever its comfortable.
Honestly, given it's been such a hard year, I've actually taken note how much I've grown in the last year, when I thought I was shrivelling! My old life with XH, has no appeal anymore. Sure I miss the family BBq's with BIL and SIL, but something dawned on me. BIL and SIL always overstayed their welcome and it was very hard for me to get along with them sometimes. XH is still doing his same thing, with his family, bit with OW. Listening to the same music, eating the same food, playng the same computer games. No adventure, nothing extra curricular, just staying on that hamsterwheel, except for this insurmountable spew whenever the mood strikes him.
For me, I've made good friends through work and am enjoying my new friendships. I've become comfortable being single and am really enjoying it. I no longer feel the need to be in a relationship in order to feel fullfilled in my life or completed in some sort of way. The girls and I have established a closer bond and enjoy eachother's company and have a good time. We no longer walk on egg shells. Im working on getting into college next year and have chosen a new career path. Work is going well for me, though it is very stressful at times. Im appreciated and valued at work. I've accepted my co dependency issues, and continue to deal with them each day. I've made it a goal to catch myself acting in co dependent ways. It's a very liberating experience to recognize these traits in yourself and know you have the power to make changes and control these issues to make a more fullfilling life for yourself.
