Cake eating= you are the "baggage" and the problem, yet he is kind of holding you hostage to make everything appear "normal" - and still has an expectation of nightly massages. Doesn't sound too fair to you. He gets to exert his will and also expects you will go along with it. Is that right?
Yes that is right, and no it is not fair. He doesn't want to talk about our R, the DB rules say I'm not supposed to bring it up. His perspective seems to be "We're done. Your behavior determines the timetable of actual S/D."
I am not ready to leave financially or emotionally (not ready to break up my kids' home)so as of right now I could be called a hostage.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
H is such an enigma... Today I was perusing DB and he asked me what I was looking at. I answered "Oh, nothing much. Did you need the computer?" He pressed, asked three or four more times before I said I was just reading a site about people who have things in common with our situation.
He told me I shouldn't dwell on it. Is coming here dwelling? I don't think of it that way because I use it to remind myself to move forward. I am strategizing to GAL, not wallowing in the muck of despair.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
So, he has had several affairs while you were married? He pines for Wife#2 that left him?
What exactly is it you really want out of the relationship?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
So, he has had several affairs while you were married? He pines for Wife#2 that left him?
What exactly is it you really want out of the relationship?
AJ
Interesting question and at this point I don't know that I have an answer. The courtship and beginning days of our marriage were heady. I know of course it would never return to that point but I guess it was enough to get me hooked deeply into the man I thought my H was. Now, after 20 years of marriage, the revelation of yet another P-A (found out thanks to the recent online EA - I thought there had been only 1 A) and the consideration of the ongoing emotional distance I suspect the man who courted me is long gone. Or never existed outside of my mind, hopes and dreams.
This is even a point my H has brought up. He says it proves he doesn't love me because he has never treated another W or gf the way he treats me. I partly think that is just a cop out because H doesn't want to think of himself as "that kind of person" and doesn't want to take ownership of his behavior. I rather think the person I have known for the last 18 or so years out of 20 IS the real H.
From reading other stories I know I am supposed to look for my own responsibility in this sitch and I can certainly see where I have enabled. I am a class one doormat. My father was probably bi-polar although this was never diagnosed. His behavior, not entirely different than H's, taught me to walk on egg shells and keep my mouth shut.
The pining for W#2 has been ebbing for the last several years. They have NO contact and until just a few years ago he also had NO contact with their son. He is now building a relationship with that son and seems to have let go of the mother quite a bit.
So I don't know what I want. On strong days (minutes?) I want nothing. Other times, I want whatever I can get. Staying together until the twins turn 18 in two years does make sense so I'm fairly sure I want that. But then?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
And so I trudge along in this surreal limbo land of MLC. I don't think there is too much difference between now and before the bomb that a casual observer would notice. I don't bring up the R and neither does he. There is no affection because I have almost always been the initiator there. He has gone back to full fledged spooning at night - even pulling me into him. I don't know if this is affection or simply an effort to get comfortable.
My GAL efforts are fairly nil at the moment. I feel my primary goal should be to get a job but I don't want to do retail over the holidays, and my unemployment will last until about Feb. I will spend these next few weeks getting the house in order and contemplating what direction I want to head in.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm really asking the bigger question. What do you want long term from H? From any mate, really?
More importantly, what do you want from you in this life?
You're in shock right now perhaps. But that won't last. You aren't standing up for you due to what you see in the situation. But if you look beyond that, what do you see?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I'm really asking the bigger question. What do you want long term from H? From any mate, really?
More importantly, what do you want from you in this life?
You're in shock right now perhaps. But that won't last. You aren't standing up for you due to what you see in the situation. But if you look beyond that, what do you see?
AJ
Shock is probably a good descriptive. I don't have answers to your bigger questions, barely can handle the little ones.
The logistics of my life require me to keep on keepin' on at least for right now. I have no money, no job and no family to go to.
I do know I don't want to ever be so vulnerable again. I want a viable job and money put away so I am not so totally dependent on anyone else.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
It boggles my mind. Things are so much the way they "were" before his declaration of not-love. Even back to having relations... How do I go on this way? How am I not supposed to read into his behavior that he DOESN'T intend to leave? How do I keep my sanity?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
