Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Acceptance - My next challenge.

"I have been reluctant to set goals which include some sort of feed back or reaction from my wife."

This is what DBing is all about. You have to set goals.

"I have seen some of these written by others but i feel that my wife is too unpredictable for me to make proper assessment of what is working and not working."

That's why it's all trial and error. Not everything you do is going to work, but you never know until you try. This is just your fear talking. Do you honestly think that everyone who made goals had a "predictable" spouse?

OK Bond. Give me a few days to think about it and I'll post something. What about what I've got u there? I know it's more along the line of personal goals but It's worked for me working on me so far.

The personal goals are fine and while they are great for you and change the things your W had issues with, they aren't necessarily going to bring her home.

Arsene.... post them on Zigs thread at the very top. She will help you fine tune them...

Just a bit of journaling.

I posted my relationship goals on Zig's thread. Waiting for comments/feedback.

W was here this morning. We had another immigration date together and before leaving we had a coffee. At one point I looked at her and she was blowing on her hot coffee, so sensually and she looked up and saw I was looking at her and she smiled. I just couldn't look at her any longer, I had to look away. Business was taken car of quickly and pleasantly enough. W even suggested having a family outing this Sunday if it was fine by me.

In the evening, when I got home from work, she was still there getting ready for work. She'd picked up D8 from school and spent the day with her. She came out of the bathroom looking so beautiful and sexy. Again, things were pleasant and she smiled at me as she left.

This thread is supposed to be about my struggle with acceptance and I guess this is the struggle right here. Sometimes I think I'm there. I think I'm able to not feel. To not feel the pain, to not feel the longing or the frustration caused by masochistic self-imposed expectations. and then I take a huge step back and fall right back at her feet.

Friday night I have a gig. My first solo performance in... well, in forever. Here is one of the songs I'll be performing. I think it's very fitting on this site and on this post. It' s from an Aussie band from the 80s called Crowded House. The song's recently been covered by James Blunt.


Fall At Your Feet

I'm really close tonight
And I feel like I'm moving inside her
Lying in the dark
I think that I'm beginning to know her
Let it go
I'll be there when you call

Whenever I fall at your feet
And you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

You're hiding from me now
There's something in the way that you're talking
The words don't sound right
But I hear them all moving inside you
Go, I'll be waiting when you call

Whenever I fall at your feet
And you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead

Arsene you really need to stop yourself from looking at your W that way right now.

DB is counter intuitive, you may want to just fall at your wifes feet, but she'll just keep walking over you.

Save up all you have to give to your W for a time when you'll need it.


Enjoy the gig, do it for YOU!

Bill

No worries mate. Just journaling, and venting my feelings. I'm not acting on any of it.

Take care my friend,

Wow, I’m not quite sure what to do about this. My SIL contacted me last night through FB and informed me that there was a family reunion next weekend. My MIL is selling property and as she is a woman, she needs the signature from all her children in order to be allowed to sell, therefore, all 4 children (W BIL and 2 SILs) are going to the capital city to meet MIL and the notary. My SIL (who lives in another country) told me that she had a talk with the older SIL and that apparently, W had also told her some things about what we are going through. Now, the two SILs totally disagree with what W is doing and they want to try to talk some sense into W.

This has the potential to explode in my face. I urged her not to try to push W in any direction as W is likely to do the opposite or even to turn her back on her family. I also asked her not to mention that I know anything about this and not to use any information that I might have given her in our previous talk. She said that she would be careful not to involve me at all.

The thing is, in this culture, such an action would probably work on most people but my W is very special (that’s why I married her) and she tends to do what she wants regardless of what her society, family or friends say. SIL said she would use an approach to make W think rather than to try to change her mind by telling her that what she is doing wrong.

She said she would tell her of her own ordeal with her husband and how they are now happier than ever. She said she would tell her why she stood for her marriage in the face of her husband’s repeated infidelities. She would also talk about the importance of family for the child and how they are now closer than ever as a family. On the other hand, the older SIL is a lot more religious and she might take a stronger stance which scares me a bit.

SIL said she would try to instill doubt in W’s action by asking questions about OM and make her see how unlikely it is that this relationship would lead anywhere. She thinks that this might perhaps get her to reconsider her decision and give our couple another chance.

There is no way I can stop this from happening as older SIL is adamant that W has to come to her senses. I was wondering if there was any advice I can give SIL to minimize the damage that might be cause to my sitch.

Exactly. So there is no point in worrying about it.

Here is a goal for you.

I will ignore all drama from the in-laws.

Try this next time.

"Sure, do what you gotta do. So how is things going in your life? ....Awesome...... Yea I did this and this... It was really good.... Yea that's great.... I was good talking to you. Take Care and talk to you later.... "