Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What should I do? Which technique to use?

LOL! Oh man, do we LBS's ever love to read meaning into everything!! Remember DB rule 32:

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

Don't try to figure out what she's saying or doing, it'll drive you crazy because most of it won't make sense! Based on your posts my guess is your detaching is having an effect on her and she's starting to go into pursuit mode. Are you familiar with the pursuit/ distance dynamic? It's a favorite pasttime of WAS's, if the LBS detaches and distances, the WAS will pursue. Then if the LBS responds to the pursuit, the WAS will go right back to distancing. Stick to your game plan. Detach as much as you can while still sharing a roof and transportation. If she pursues then don't respond in kind, respond at a lower level. Here's something Accuray posted that I loved so much that I copied it to my file:

This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead.

That's excellent advice!

Hahahaha, yeah, it is crazy and that's why I had to get it all written down. The thoughts were running through my head non-stop from last night through today's interactions and I was having a hard time focusing on anything else. Now that I've written it down I'm much more calm and at ease.

I do understand the pursuit/distance dynamic you mention. I know that if I give in at all, especially if I do any of the big no-nos listed DR LRT, then all my progress is for naught. I'm making sure that I always put on a content smile, act self-confident, and be the kind of person she wants in her life even if I'm having to fake it a little in front of her. I know that if I act depressed, needy, or clingy around her that it's just going to push her away.

I do like that advice from Accuray, makes sense, you react but only subtlety so that you're not the focus of their misery.

I keep trying to remember that I became the villain in her eyes. She's going to keep looking for reason to keep me the villain. If I stop the behavior that made me the villain then other people/circumstances become the villain.

She's a boat lost in a storm, there's a lot going on in her life, and I was acting like the eye of the storm. I need to do all that I can to be safe harbor. To be calm waters. To be the lighthouse in her life.

Just remember that lighthouse down run around trying to chase down boats.

They just stand there and shine the light.

Cadet, exactly what I was getting at!

Why did you write all that?

Is it going to rain tomorrow?

Will the dog stop barking?

Enough with the questions already. I felt like I was reading a novel. Look bottom line is she didn't apologize to you for how she's treating you. She apologized for inconveniencing you.

I don't believe you mentioned a baby before. Is it yours and hers?

Why did she divorce those other 2 times? And I mean just the actual reasons, not just what she told you. And don't you think it's weird that she would say that you and her are deleted from Steve's account but he would keep the children on? That's plain weird and she could have been hiding something.

I wrote it because I need a place to journal. I don't want to physically write it on paper and have it in the house. I don't want to try and sit on the computer at home and write it and save it as a file where people might see me writing it or find the file.

I asked the questions because it's part of the journaling. Not necisarilly to be answered but it's just the stuff running through my head.

Before I did just mention 3 children, none of them are mine.

Haven't talked to the ex-husbands so I can't answer that question.

I did, and do, find it weird that she told me about Steve deleting us from FB (even though he didn't delete me) and wondered if she's hiding something. I don't know, I think that's what AnotherStander is saying, it's just confusing stuff that I can't keep trying to figure out.

I just needed to write it down to clear my mind.

So she divorced her latest H while she had a baby still in diapers? There are definite red flags there.

No, she was divorced and dating and the baby wasn't planned. She's against abortion so that wasn't an option. I have a vasectomy so nothing is going to happen in that regard with me.

More Journaling:


Last night was good, she picked me up and while there wasn't a lot of conversation (due to her being sick & tired and me being detached) it was easygoing. Getting ready for bed she went into the bathroom, didn't close the door, and changed her shirt. So, I wasn't staring and didn't follow her, but she did allow me to see her topless briefly. Got in bed and laid to my side but she was more in the middle, put her toes on my leg, I just didn't react. Helped with the baby like normal throughout the night and when I woke up once again, she was almost on me even though I was still on the edge of my side of the bed. She got the other kids off to school while I stayed with the baby.

I took the baby downstairs and she got home. She jumped on FB and I left the baby with her to get a shower. After I was out of the shower she came up and asked if she could come in. I told her I wasn't dressed yet but she could come in, it was up to her. She did and grabbed what she needed saying that she had been calling for me but didn't realize I was in the shower. She asked if I could make breakfast and I told her yes because I was already going to make myself some.

BACKSLIDE! I kept looking over at the computer while she was messaging somebody on FB. I realized it was Steve and emotions got the better of me and I just kept looking everytime I walked by. Gave her food and was looking at it. Once I sat down with my food, after one more look as I walked by, she called me out on it.

She asked how many times I was going to try and look rather than just ask her. I told her that I let myself get the better of myself, that I shouldn't have done it and that I was sorry. She said friends make up and while they weren't fully made up they were talking about some banking stuff. She asked if I wanted to read it and I said no. She told me that I had broken trust because of me spying on her and she had purposely left the chat window open and I proved to her that I was still doing the same thing. She said if she was going to cheat on me I wouldn't know it and that I'm making things very difficult. She said next time "that's it." For the most part, I just nodded and admitted that it was wrong of me, I dind't want to say much and give her anymore ammo.

BACK ON TRACK? OR "ACT AS IF"? I avoided a big blow up, yelling, kind of fight so things just went back to a normal morning. She asked me to keep an eye on the baby while she went for clothes for herself and the baby and she left FB open; I kept my ass on the couch until the baby was crying in her walker and then went over and focused solely on the baby, not even looking at the computer in case she walked downstairs. I had to run and put gas in the car and she thanked me for that. I grabbed my stuff to get going for work and she told me that she might go to visit her dad for awhile this evening because they were complaining about not seeing the kids much. I get off at 6pm today and she'll probably be there and not come back home until 9pm or so. I just told her ok. She told me to have a good day and be careful because the roads were still wet and I was taking the motorcycle. I told her to have a good day and just said bye.

She leaves a chat window open knowing you're walking back and forth and then when you look she accuses you of spying? What are we, 12? That's not spying, that's just curiosity and I would have told her that. Ask her what she is so guilty about that you can't even glance at her computer screen when you walk by without being accused of high treason.



She's talking about cheating but you are the one making things difficult?



And then she gives you an ultimatum? Wow. Listen up, DBing is not about being a doormat. You're being a doormat. Go back and review DR again, read the 34 DB 180 tips constantly. You need to really detach from her. You think you're detaching but you're just doing a little bit of ignoring here and there without really detaching. Clinging to the edge of the bed isn't detaching. You need to establish more independence. Let her take care of the baby all night, since when is taking care of someone else's baby your job? If she wants to go clothes shopping, let her deal with taking the baby along. Why is that on you? It's great that you help her with these things, but not at the price you're paying. It's time to detach and let her get a taste of what life without you is going to be like.



Tell her to turn the screen off if she doesn't want you looking at it, otherwise it's fair game. Have you read the Married Man Sex Life Primer? She's testing you. You can't win by participating in the tests. Time to reign that in.