Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What should I do? Which technique to use?

Well, then a 180 for you might be doing less around the house. DR goes into this, doing 180s is doing the opposite of what you've been doing. Changing the dynamics. If one spouse does everything, the other tends to get lazy. Maybe you should do less and see if she starts participating again.



Then perhaps in your case LRT (or maybe going dim rather than dark) is appropriate. If you've been showering her with attention, then backing off of that is a 180. Again, it's all about changing the dynamics. Same with the compliments, back off and she'll start missing all that you've been doing. Now it isn't going to be immediate, it'll take weeks or months. So stick with it. Every 2 or 3 weeks review your journaling and see what did and did not work and tweak your plan accordingly.

Based on your description of the talk y'all had it sounds like you did the right things- mostly listened, mostly validated her feelings, took responsibility for your own problems when appropriate. That's good. I'm sure there were many things you wanted to say back, but they're going to have to wait until the R is getting back on solid ground.

Don't tell her she needs to move out or go stay with someone else, but it's OK to tell her that you support her if SHE decides to leave. But you need to leave that decision to her. She may resent it if she thinks you're kicking her out. Just let her make those decisions and give her your support. But do not let her force you out, she needs to make the decisions and suffer the consequences. It's part of the awakening process for the WAS.

After further reflection I realized that all I do around the house is wash the clothes and load the dishwasher. The house has been a mess for awhile and I decided that a 180 (and just taking care of myself) would be to do a big cleaning today since I'm home alone.

Other than telling her what I like about her and why I was drawn to her in the beginning during last nights talk I've stopped compliments. I won't be saying "I love you" or giving compliments, though I will say "thanks" if she does something nice for me.

Last night she felt trapped. She said she wasn't comfortable staying but felt I would permanently kick her out (with her having no place to go) if she didn't spend the night. She told me that she had really wanted to just spend the weekend at her dads. Since she said those things I decided that a 180, and being supportive of her decision, was to tell her that she should go stay with her dad. I didn't want her feeling uncomfortable and trapped. I figured it was a way to show support and love because it isn't what I wanted but it was what she wanted. I'll be supportive if she decides to spend nights away and I'll be quietly appreciative if she decides to stay at home.

Any ideas about doing stuff around the house? I cleaned up today because I was sick of the mess. When she is here should I offer favors (she is an "acts of service" kind of person, she likes it when I do the little things) or will that be chasing right now? I'm afraid that if I do a 180 on that and stop offering favors or responding positively when she asks for a favor that she'll just feel I'm being cold and pissed off.

Cleaning the house, no more "I love yous", supporting her when she wants to go to her dad are all good moves. I wouldn't offer too many favors, remaining detached and friendly is difficult enough. Don't expect immediate results, it may take weeks or months for her to change course.

That's exactly the right spirit, do it to take care of yourself. The fact that it's a 180 that she'll notice is just icing on the cake. In my M my wife always took care of the laundry, food and picking up the house and I took care of the dishes, trash, recycling and did the outside work (it's a fully landscaped acre lot, so a lot of work). The outside always looked beautiful while the inside was always a mess and the laundry never done. I hired a lady to clean ever 2 weeks, but even then the house was usually a mess again in a day or two. I always assumed it was just an overwhelming amount of work so actually offered to hire someone to do the laundry, but W didn't want to. Anyway, after BD I took EVERYTHING over myself. Instead of being overwhelmed like I expected to be, I found that applying my discipline to all the tasks gets them done in short order. The house has never been cleaner. The laundry is done every Friday like clockwork (before it was NEVER done). So do it, you might find it's a lot easier than you thought it would be. And a clean house will do wonders for your PMA, I know it has mine. I went over to W's house to pick up the kids this evening and it's a total mess over there, LOL!



Sounds appropriate. Just remember, going dark or dim is not about being rude or cold, it's just about pulling back. You should still be warm and caring towards her, and a great listener if she wants to talk. You should be compassionate towards her. Just pull back and don't initiate anything.



I would take over all responsibilities, because that way if she leaves you'll already be taking care of things so it won't disrupt you much. It's more for you than her. After BD I took everything over hoping to show W she didn't need to do it anymore, but when it became clear she was going to leave no matter what I did it for me and the kids rather than her.



Read the chapter in DR on 180s again, it's normal to feel uncomfortable and even a little afraid when we do 180s because we think they may be misinterpreted. But remember that even if it doesn't work you can adjust later. And it isn't about acting cold, even when going dim you can still be friendly, positive and compassionate.

The house being a mess has been driving me crazy and fueling resentment towards her so me just cleaning it up helped.

Around 8pm she texted me that her and the kids would be home "around 9?" I responded, "Ok sounds good"

When she was close she called me and told me about her cold and that she was pulling up out front to unload some stuff. It was an easygoing conversation and I offered to help.

When she got here I greeted her and the kids in an upbeat, but not fake over-enthusiastic, way and helped unload. She wanted to get to bed because she is sick and I just stayed calm and upbeat and let her get ready. She actually chatted with me a bit and there was laughter. I helped her get ready for bed and told her I was staying downstairs to keep working on laundry.

She was apologizing to me for going straight to bed rather than coming back downstairs.

Crap Crap Crap!!! Last night in my sleep and daze I cuddled up to her and held her. She moved once and said to get off her and I moved myself but went back to it in my sleep awhile later. Then, at one point after I put the baby back in her crib I was in that sleepy daze and not thinking straight and just went and put my arm around her...she called me out on it and I took it away.

This morning after getting the kids off to school (which I offered to do since she is still sick) I laid back down because I had awhile before work. The room was dark and as I laid down her legs were there and she pulled them away. I reached out cautiously to see just where she was in the bed since I couldn't see and the second I made contact with her she snapped, "don't touch me." I quickly withdrew my hand and tried to rest. The baby woke up again and then we were both up. As we lay there she finally said, "without fighting, why did you touch me after I told you not to? You know how I feel about it."

I just hung my head and stayed quiet. She repeated herself a couple of times and said that she doesn't know how else to tell me how she feels, that if it happens again she's going to hit me and take the kids and leave. I just nodded.

She pressed me for an answer and I said I wasn't sure and apologized. I said that I guess while sleepy like that I had hoped things were better since they had been better when she got home.

She told me that she was just being nice to me because the kids were around, nothing more and nothing less. She asked if I wanted her to be mean to me and I said no.

She asked if she could take a shower first and I said yes. After her shower she asked me to take the baby downstairs while she was finishing getting ready and I did. Then she came to the stairs and asked me for an item downstairs. I took it up and apologized to her for touching her.

I said that I was sorry even if I was doing it in my sleep. She said she didn't know what else I wanted her to say because she says I hadn't been doing that and now I am.

There is no place where I can sleep and she also wants to put on a front for the kids. I'm going to try and focus my mind before bed so that hopefully I won't roll over and hold her in my sleep.

So far, she still hasn't point blank said we are broken up. The last she said to me was that she needs a break, that she needs time, to see what happens and whether she can fall back in love with me.

I know what happened last night doesn't help my situation. After I apologized after her shower we just went about our business in a pleasant manner. I know I have to "really listen" to what she's telling me, that she doesn't want to be touched and doesn't feel comfortable sleeping in my arms anymore, so I have to acknowledge and accept that is the way she feels.

I keep trying to tell myself not to believe any of what she says and less than 50% of what I see because she's hurt and scared. Does that pertain to this?



longrun, sorry I missed your post last night. Perhaps I jumped a little too much last night and this morning to help out her and the kids. She seemed surprised but maybe that's because she figures it's all "just an act" to win her back. If she wants to take care of the kids should I just let her? She has point blank said, "*jzoom* can you do me a favor and..." and I've done them with a cheerful attitude, should I cut back on accepting to do her favors when she asks?

The reason I ask that is because in DR I remember a part where it says that when you notice small changes, like less combativeness and being asked favors, take it as a small victory.

I think that you should help with the kids (even when not asked). That's just the right thing to do. But, honestly, you didn't mean to touch her (you were unconscious) and now you've apologized. I wouldn't do it anymore. She needs to get over herself and stop making you wrong for accidentally touching her. I would stand up for yourself more-- even though I know it's terribly hard. (Been there myself :))You can still validate without being woosy, IMO (although it can be a fine line).

You're looking for positive signs way too soon. You've only been doing DB a few days, this is a journey of months, not days. If your W is cringing every time you touch her then you've got a long road ahead of you. Drop all your expectations, concentrate on changes to yourself and give your W the time and space she's asking for. You don't give her space for a day or an hour and then go back to trying to touch and grope her, because when she says she wants space she's talking about weeks or months of freedom without your interference.

Makes sense about looking for positive signs too soon. I need to accept that she is just being polite and civil which is still a better state to be in than her being cold, rude, or downright mean towards me.

I see what you mean about being woosy and that isn't attractive either. I'll be sure not to consciously make any contact with her since she doesn't want it. Since she is still sleeping in the same bed as me I'll make sure I start off to my side and if I touch her while unconscious in my sleep I'm not going to keep apologizing. I'll simply tell her that I understand she doesn't want to be touched and I'm not doing it on purpose. I won't say "I'm sorry" and hang my head again.

Look, she is only 28 and already has three kids and two divorces under her belt. You need to get away from her as fast as you can! There is no future with her.

You can't bust a divorce when there wasn't a marriage to begin with. And, if her feelings has turned this cold in four months.....you can expect it to be like this from now on. Don't stay with this woman. Don't take responsibility for her, her three kids, and her sister. You could meet a girl who really loves you and wants you, and who doesn't have a house full already.

Take my word for it, she'll have another man by next month.....if she doesn't already. Please don't get tied up with somebody like this.