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Thanks for sharing where it came from - more growth reading for me to do I see. The road to success is always under construction and all that.

Not sure there's much soh in my thread but there is in my heart. I just talked to a friend on the phone that said I sound so much more my Self got my "mad" love of life and laughter back. I replied "better to be 'mad' than sad" and it so is!

Glad W replied to your text.

Journal

OK.. Time to rethink what I am doing and I need some help...

To recap: W moved back about 3 weeks ago from out of state bc she wanted to be with OW here. (W tells everyone that she moved back for a new job but I have heard otherwise.) About the same time, I learned more that verified an EA that began before we separated. (W denies and I think believes herself.)

Since then, she wanted to talk on the phone about a financial matter. I answered her question by email. Then she had another question and wanted to get together to talk about it. I answered that thoroughly by email.

I had stuff of hers that needed to be picked up. (I did not want to mail it as it was her birth certificate, car title, etc.) and suggested in my email a few weeks ago that i leave it in the garage.

Yesterday she emailed that she would pick it up last night. I left the stuff in the garage. I was home before she got here but the garage is separate so i did not see her. she sent 4 texts.. "I just pulled up" "I did not want to scare you" "Just got off work" "Thanks"

I did not go out to the garage. i texted back "thanks" awhile later..

Later online, another DBer asked if i was still DBing and asked why i did not go out there and act as if...

and asked what my pattern was during arguments w/ STBXW... and yes, my pattern was to get quiet and withdraw (so i am dong more of the same?)

And from there stems my confusion..

I find myself really angry lately about all I have learned recently, our last conversation where she was concerned that I think OW was a "good person"..(WTF?) and talked about her "unusual connection" with EA.. and her moving back...

and I decided recently to set boundaries w/ her while she is with OW... that I will not be a part of her life.. I am doing this mostly for me, to protect me... from a place of letting go.... but I know that a part of me is also wanting to show her what life is like.. without me..from a place of anger...

i feel like i have been a doormat for months...that she has always known that the door was open for me to be an option for her.. even in our last conversation last month, she said that she was not changing her path (even though I did not ask her to...)

i know i need to do more forgiveness meditations... that is who want to be.

but right now i am angry..

i know that true detachment does not care and could have walked out there to say hi without caring about her response...

yet i feel that this anger is helping me detach more in that it I am doing what is good for me (staying away)

so I am confused and need some perspective..
i have to do some of our taxes and will have more contact soon.

thank you.

NG I feel the exact same way. I have been working so hard at thought stopping and diminishing my anger and it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

Ever since I started really looking at what the anger was masking, I began to feel extreme hurt and pain. This has helped me to work on withdrawing gradually. I don't think it's helpful to do it suddenly.

I wish you happy trails

Here is my take.

I do not think it matters one way or the other as far as winning her back.

There is nothing you can DO that is going to cause her to change her mind.
That is something she must decide on her own without help from YOU.

So I would not spend too much time worrying about it.

She is not ready to give up the OW at this point and you can not be in a relationship with her while she is in one with someone else.
You have left the door open in the sense that you are not in a relationship with some one else.

SO what would be your choices here?
Fight, flee, withdraw or be still.
What do you want to change to?
Would it make any difference to her?
NOPE.
The changes are for YOU.

Hope that helps.

Hi NG...you have expressed your feelings and fears so well. You touched something within me. Its like i know i am feelings things but can articulate it until i read it here.

It seems that at this point in the journey there is not much to do but focus on ourselves. anything we 'do' with S has to come from a genuine place, and that is very hard. so while their is anger, maybe staying still is the best option so YOU can process how you are feeling and heal and then decide your next step.This can be an empowering time i believe...if not a very challenging one, because i think its at this time we can feel like doormats because there is no developments happening...its like everything is in a holding pattern despite all of the hard wrk we have done and are still doing.

Its empowering for us...

being a doormat is perspective.

One day the opportunity may come for S to see the real us, the better us.

You are amazing NG. In every way. I love you so much (((( )))

p.s. I really like what Cadet said...the door being open in the sense that you are not in a R with someone else....

Also - maybe being genuine means not always acting as if around W? If we can't act as if at a certain period of time, isn't what you did better? because maybe passive aggressiveness would have come through instead of being able to genuinely act as if? Just some thoughts...i am not sure myself.

Grace, what helped me was to get out all my anger in my writings. I wrote as if I were talking to H and let it all fly! I don't feel as angry now and I'm not thinking about it as much.

((((((((((NG))))))))))

oh! yes, this helped me too. A few weeks back when i was feeling angry and conflicted i thought i was going to send H the letter i wrote...i didn't but it was really healing to let it all out. it helped me process with a much clearer mind.

((((((( )))))))

Thanks so much vero, Busting, cadet, and SS..

Each of you said things that made me think.

SS and Busting, It is funny, I went on a run before reading your posts and I decided to write a letter to W (not to send) when I came home.. then I read your note and I knew for sure that I needed to. I had vented a lot online last night but it was about her, not to her and that is different.. I just wrote it and it was really angry, I was surprised at how much. I realized that I was mostly angry about a lot of things she said in our last conversation. I think that is why I don't want to be around her, I can not trust her not to say hurtful things. (like telling me that OW is a "GOOD PERSON".. wth does it matter what I think of OW??)

Oh Cadet... i love how you simplify things.. I am of two minds about my choices.. Sometimes I think I should just sit... Sometimes I think I need to be more assertive and let her know how hurtful her words are... that if she wants any sort of friendship with me in the future then she has to treat me and our history differently .. but then I remember that she has not asked for my friendship or any type of R so what would I be responding to? so there is no purpose.

my dear sister busting, I like what you said about being genuine.. yes, i don't think i would have been able to act as if last night very well... and i think it was that i have not fully processed my anger at recent events w/ her.. i think i struggle with that part of DBing.. in that I am trying so hard to honestly feel my feelings and sit in them.. and i want to feel genuine in my interactions w/ W... and I am not there yet.. I have to let go of some of the anger..

SS, you are an inspiration to me.. you did not stay stuck in anger, you allowed it to push you to figure out what you wanted in your life... and to be more independent.. love it and want it for myself..

vero, yes the pain... i have been processing that too... but i guess sometimes we just need to release some of the anger too. i think i need to experience it so that i set healthy boundaries for myself.. not that i know what they are yet

thank you all...

Hmmm, well it sounds like she's trying to make contact. It also sounds like you're in a place right now where you're still deciding whether to wait for her or to move on, so you've got to decide if contact would help or hurt you right now and act accordingly. Hard to say whether she's trying to reach out to just be friends or to pursue.



More of the same in this case would be related to arguing, it's not the same as LRT/ going dark which is what it sounds like you're doing now.



That's one of the phases of grief and you should expect it to come and go along with the other emotions, it's a roller coaster until you get to acceptance.



I think detachment means different things to different people. To me it does not mean being indifferent to your spouse. You can detach and give them room while still having very strong feelings for them. Cadet talks about locking the feelings up and putting them in a safe up on a shelf for later, that's kind of what it is. They're still there, but detaching is not letting them control your actions.