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You NEVER "ask" about an OM/OW. You only STATE ("I know all about you and ______,"), or you just assume it's going on, or you respond to HER if/when she asks "What will it take for me to return to the marriage?"

ASKING is supplication, which is weak and unattractive, plus she will only lie anyway.

Fruitless.


Starsky

Perfect Starsky and Chatter. Exactly what I was thinking. I've assumed for this long, and I wouldn't believe her if she denied it anyway, so asking is indeed fruitless. I'll use my "knowledge" to color my responses to any R related talks if she even hints at a reconciliation.

Do you know your what your non-negotiable boundaries are?

Start there.

Live within them.

Shape your conversation to them.

Speak the truth.

Lead.

Hey mate,

Looks like the countdown is on, right? Just a thought, if this ends up just being a fact finding conversation which you plan on using to decide what your next course of action will be, I guess if you decide to set boundaries later, you'll have to do it on the phone then right? It might be easier that way in the end. Listen to her in person and deliver your blow with a script in front of you on the phone. Lots of thinking to do this week mate.

Good luck with this,

Thanks Chatter. That's exactly what I'll be doing. My non-negotiable boundaries:

I will not be an option

I will not continue a relationship with W for as long as OM is in the picture in ANY way

If and when W wants to come back to our M, I will require proof that OM is out of the picture for good

If and when W wants to come back to our M, there will be new ground rules for open communication, especially when it comes to problems with either of our unhappiness in the M.

I will not debase myself and compromise who I am to try and save our M any longer.

These boundaries are non-negotiable. I will frame my conversation around these, although I know I don't have to explicitly state them.

Good for you. You sound strong

Hey Arsene! Yes, the countdown is certainly on. T-Minus 4 days!

I'm going to have to play this weekend by ear when it comes to explicitly setting boundaries. I know that I don't plan on making ANY big decisions on Friday, as I'll be relying on the "That's an interesting idea, let me think about it" type of response to the things she might bring up about R.

Even if I'm 99% sure that I know what I want to say, do, or how I want to respond on Friday, I'm going to be sure that I AT LEAST give myself Friday night to sleep on it, post it here, and wake up Saturday morning to see how I feel.

I'll have very little issue with delivering any answers over the phone in the days following this interaction. But I certainly don't want to make rash decisions during this 12-24 hour window where we'll be under the same roof for the first time in over 4 months. This is my opportunity to probe the situation, get some sort of clarity (at least as far as MY mindset going forward) and lay the foundation for this relationship going forward.

Solid boundaries, unending care and compassion, but a whole lot more self-preservation than I've ever used. I've been floating in this terrible ether for too long to keep it going like this. If I don't take some sort of action soon, I'll begin losing respect for myself, something I've worked too hard on these last months to let slip away due to fear.

I don't NEED answers from her this weekend, and I doubt she'll be getting any from me. What I need from this weekend is this: On Sunday morning, when I wake up to our empty house again, I need to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of the reflection I see. I don't need her to want to come back to the M to feel that way. Hell, I don't need HER to do anything to feel that way. All I need is to be able to stick to my guns here, set my boundaries (either explicitly or implicitly through my conversations and actions) and know that I've taken the next step toward bettering myself. And if she doesn't want the "better me", then so be it. I can't keep chasing my tail.

Hi AT just want to say I have been reading your posts and I will be thinking of you this weekend. You can do this. Stay strong

Thanks bustingout! It's the encouragement from you folks on the board that helps more than anything else these days.

T-Minus 3 days until I see W for the first time in over 4 months. The good news is I feel pretty confident in my method and approach for the upcoming weekend. It's a mix of the advice I've received on this board, my IC, and my gut instincts (which I'm finally starting to trust again!).

I'm going to treat this weekend as a sort of fact-finding weekend to gauge where she is in the R and to test how I feel about my course of action thus far. However, rather than just keeping a completely passive approach and letting ALL the information just come to me, I'm going to keep "the conversation" in my mind and color each of my interactions with this. I have the knowledge that there is (or at least definitely WAS) an OM in the picture, something that is completely unacceptable to me moving forward. I'll also approach every interaction with an edge, the edge provided by the strength I've been able to cultivate over the last four months of working hard on myself.

I'm going to keep reminding myself that although this is a woman who I love very much, married and made a commitment to be with for the rest of my life, for better or worse... This is also a woman who, when the going got tough... well she left. Balancing between these pieces of knowledge will hopefully keep me grounded, keep the "needy" emotions out of the picture, and allow me to have a clear mind.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm not nervous. I'm nervous as HELL here. There's still that little voice in the back of my mind that tells me I can "Fix this", but it's more of an echo of the "old me" than something I'm listening to.

I'm trying my hardest to prepare for the worst, but hope for (and act as if) the best will happen this weekend. No expectations of my W, but plenty of expectations of me. I'm trying to remember that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, I'm a better person than I was a few months ago, and I'M worth fighting for just as much as my M is worth fighting for.

Maybe she'll agree, and maybe she won't. I can't change that. Only keep hope alive and remember all the hard work I've done.

And listen closely to the advice from you wonderful people!