Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers So here's my story part 2

Andrew, I hope you're doing well and still focusing on gratitude...

Journaling / update:
Day after convo uneventful. Mutually amicable.
Fri - I agreed to help her with a bed and what not (we went about 5 mins from the house). On the way back she shared with me that she has been talking with her other sister. She has been politely and directly telling W she needs to deal with her issues if she ever wants happiness. Sounded as if she was speaking from the POV that the M is done. W also added that she's been recalling more traumatic memories re: abuse). I broke a rule and tried to hug her. She felt like a dead fish as she rejected the hug. So anyways, I elected not to go out, but rather stay home and cut grass.
Sat - woke up, went for a bike ride. W commented that it was nice for us all to be at home. I agreed despite the weirdness. So I ended up taking S7 to get a scout uniform. In our way, W and D11 found a dog for adoption nearby. I clarified with W that when / if we D, that I get the dog. She agreed. In short, we have a very cute "Biscuit". . Eventually S7 and I returned home. I was getting ready to go to a holistic heatlh fair and then out for the night. W commented that she wished we could have done this kind of thing together. She added that she was confused, an emotional mess, secretly crying all week long. W said she didn't want me to tell her to leave anymore. I reiterated that I will continue to believe that way and say that provided she is dating. She began to cry. "i wish we could erase the past 3 months". I told her we can't, and offered a hug. This time she accepted it and it was well received. Best hug I've had in a long time. Right or wrong it felt good.
Sun - she found me outside reading on the deck and sat close to me and talked more wishing things were better. She was a little weepy.
Yesterday - everything ok. We each were looking forward to the Castle season oremeire. She sent a friendly / flirty text. Later on it was clear she was in a bad mood b/c of OM. She was nice to me.
Today - the argument was something about how she told OM she didn't want to drive 3hrs every other weekend to spend time with him and his kids, when she could be here with ours. Oh, she told me earlier that she didn't want to have to share our kids. She then told me she was making plans for this weekend up here with her friends. Good Peeps imo. Go to work come home and she's still arguing with OM, I think at least. She's emotionally exhausted, per her, but being nice and inviting towards me.
A huge thing is that she said she's now interested in ic for herself; and wants my help in finding her a therapist. Yay!
I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. I'm trying to remain neutral and steadfast on my path towards a better me.
...and yes, Grattitude list is being made daily, and I'm thinking the impossible.

A few more pounds added too.

Congrats on the dog. Good you told your W ahead of time you'd be keeping it--just in case.

Also, congrats on the way you're handling everything. I actually see a lot of signs of progress: she's opening up emotionally, she's asking for your help, she's rethinking her decisions. Good!

Be careful when you select the IC. I had the worst IC and MC and this didn't help. A lot of IC's steer people toward ending their M, so make sure you talk to them and ask all kinds of questions to see if they are solutions-oriented and pro-marriage. What some IC's do is to relive all the painful stuff, which leaves the client drained. I felt drained every time I saw my IC. Our MC was so bad, he said we had no hope, and that he saw no committment from my H. Then he started to talk about his own D, and later told me he might've made a mistake bc he was looking at things from the perspective of when he had a D, and was biased. Great. What a waste.

So keep up the good work, and keep up posted!

Thanks Tori. Hope you're doing well.

Mini journal - update.
2 Nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with some kind of wierd bug that resulted in me feelilng like death and near sort of vomiting. I felt totally alone laying on the bathroom floor in physical pain. The next morning I obviously looked rough and W asked how come. So I told her about my bad night; and continued to feel pretty bad most of yesterday. Some OTC meds did and are helping still. So anyways, last night after we had put the kids to bed, she came into the bedroom where I was laying and reading and started talking to me about how I could have came to her for help, and if I need anything this night (last night) to feel free to come get her / join her in her bed upstairs. She also said that she had considered sleeping next me in order to keep an eye on me and make sure I was ok. I told her thanks, and truly hoped that it wouldn't happen again. Really, I felt like death. So this morning, it turns out that she ended up checking on me twice throughout the night. I was pretty sure she did once (touching my arm, forehead for fever, make sure I was breathing). I texted her this morning that S7 was at school, and thanks for checking on me. I appreciated it. About 15 minutes later or so, she called and said something along the lines of "despite what we're going through, you know I still love you, worry, and care about you. You know that right?" I honestly paused and thought for a few moments. She commented on my pause, my hesitation, and then I said, "Honestly, I have questioned that." I'm not sure how that was received, if it was good, if it was bad, but it is th e truth. W then continued the conversation about what her work day looked and what not for a few minutes longer and then we ended the call. Thoughts?

*Now this is something that I've been meaning to post the past few days; and haven't had a chance to until now. I'm not sure if this is the right place, (maybe it would be better posted in DB Bootcamp, I signed up a few weeks ago and am awaiting a mentor; or if this should be in Zig's goal thread). Anyways, here goes my request.
Based on where I'm currently at, I overall am doing better, I know it and everyone else knows it (some think I'm crazy though ), However, I want to truly take a good hard look at myself. Start to peel back some of the layers and go beyond the fear of being alone / rejection / insecurity. I believe I can do that, then I will better be able to handle everything in life. I've been reading several meditation type of books where they reference "falling behind the pain." I don't truly get that. At least not that way it's word. It sounds similar to sitting at the "picnic" and sitting with the pain in order to let it go. Sort of kind of, how?

Help on where / how to start this process / take it to the next level?

Andrew can't write a lot bc I'm away for the day, but I actually see hope in your sitch. I think it's normal to feel what you're feeling. I wouldn't analyze it too much. Will write more this weekend.

I think the "sitting with the pain" reference is basically letting it be. If you resist something, it becomes stronger. It's the third Law of Newton, and a fact. So if you resist the pain, you'll feel more pain. If you resist your S leaving you, they'll leave you faster (and this is the whole premise of DB--letting the WAS do his or her thing and focusing on one's life.)
As I said, I do see hope for you and your W. Keep us posted on what happens.

I was thinking about "falling behind the pain." I wonder if this meditation is asking you to go to the place right before you feel the negative emotion and stay there for a while. Not sure. Meditation does work, though, so good for you that you're meditating.

Yes I'm unsure of exactly what it means.
I'm trying to meditate for at least several minutes each day. Most of the time I am able to reset myself for at least awhile.

So overall this weekend my sich has been tugging at my gut, so I've been working harder for myself. Spending more time trying to meditate brirfly several times the past day or so, exploring why I am how I am and ways to accept / overcome to be who I want (starting to peel layers - no clear answers yet though), and playing with the kiddos.
At least a pay off has been this, D11 said earlier, "Dont tell mom, but you're more fun than she is. You actually take us places and do stuff with us.". That of course warmed my heart.
Bad news, D11 wanted to call good old's mom later on. I didn't care and kept my distance as I didn't want to be involved. So after the call D11 tells me that she just got a speeding ticket. Nice!
Time to breathe in all my emotions and exhale them wishing fortune to everyone around the world. And then I'm going to enjoy ShrekTales with miss, drink a glass of wine, read some Pema (Things Fall Apart), and probably another glass of wine.

*miss = kiddos. DYAC.

Hi afa75 how was your weekend? Did the second glass on wine become anymore? Lol ...

I know what you mean about the sitch tugging at your gut as you put it. It's like something is there deep down not letting you go completely....but almost....its like the last string....and it's scary to let go of it because it ties you to everything you think you know...but also have a grow feeling that letting go will actually catapult you into a much more beautiful and happier place than imagined. And hopefully the S will find the same enlightenment as you.

Hope you are well.