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I like the mood of your phone call report. You stayed friendly, open and resisted being drawn into a detailed relationship discussion (which is useless in most cases).

I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm doing and trying not to wonder too much about what he's doing right now.

Exactly. Don't try to make sense of his ambiguity, there is no sense to be extracted.

While I'm glad that he's taking the time to think about things, I know that doesn't mean that anything will change. So I'm going to take it as a positive sign and stop thinking about it.

This is a good time for me to practice my patience and realize that things don't always happen at my pace.

And I'm proud that I didn't try to discuss anything or give him my point of view. I was just there to validate and try to understand. When the texts stopped, I wasn't frustrated or annoyed-so that's a good thing!

thanks longrun. even though I know the relationship talks are useless, I usually can't seem to stop myself from making at least one comment about us still being able to make it if we wanted to or that we're not divorced yet. This time I didn't do that.

Also, when he mentioned paths crossing again and then immediately said to forget it because he shouldn't have said it, I let it go. The old me would have asked at least one follow up question, at least. I would have made a great prosecutor or investigator because I'm amazing at interrogations! Instead, I ignored it and just said goodnight.

I haven't heard from him since. Maybe I need to post some other fun activity on my fb and see what happens!

sbr, sounds like you are in good control of your emotions & your words. Good job!

Just stopping in to say hello!

I like using the FB to post fun activities....

FB must be the trick. This morning, at 1am, I got a text wishing me a happy weekend. I thanked him and wished him the same, but heard nothing else.

I just don't understand him. It's been almost three weeks since I've seen him and we barely communicate now. At least I'm extremely busy so I don't have too much time to think about it.

On Monday I forwarded him the email about Retrouvaille and told him I would sign all the forms without question if he'd agree to go to it with me. I haven't heard anything, but we'd need to be registered in less than two weeks and I could schedule work that weekend if we don't go. I'll give him a few more days and then I'm going to have to ask for his response.

Wow...three weeks and then a post at 1 am? H been drinking?

FB has it's moments of connection. It's one of those tools that can be evil or good. I've been staying off posting it mostly, because my H ALWAYS commented on or liked everything right away. Then a few things he didn't and my feelings became hurt. I decided not to post anything unless I don't feel hurt he doesn't respond. So, since there are far fewer now, he always likes my stuff again. It's the distancer-pursuer thing.

If only your H would go to Retrouville. That would be fabulous.

Has he been busy too these last three weeks?

Hi rH, I've been trying to follow your sitch and it seems like things are going pretty well with your H. Mine seems to be going downhill.

Drinking? That's my guess, although he's always been a night owl, so I guess there is a slight possibility that he wasn't. But it was a Friday night, so who knows?

H never comments or likes any of my stuff, so I don't expect that at all. I just think it's funny because he says he's never on it or has time to look at it, but I'm sure that he does.

Yes, I'd love him to go to Retrouvaille. I asked him to do it for me a few weeks ago and that I could then feel like I'd done everything, but all he'd said was that I'd already done everything I could. It was a better response than I got in July, so I'm slightly, very slightly hopeful, but I'd need to register very soon, so I hate to have to bring it up again.

At the very least we'd both learn communication skills we need, even if we don't use them on each other. Maybe I can sell it to him that way....

Need some advice. After weeks of having little communication with H, I've decided I need him to make a decision. He can be in the M or he can be out, but he needs to take some action.

I don't want to wait around with no signs that he wants to work on anything or even that he's confused still. I'd asked him about Retrouvaille and haven't gotten a response.

I started writing up a letter last night but decided to get some editing advice on what to leave out/add in before I send it. I've got a ton of school work due in the next day or two, so I'm going to wait at least 24 hours before I send it so I don't anxiously await a reply, that probably won't even come.

I've got to run off to work now, but would love some input on what I've written so far. I just need him to make a decision. I'd love him to choose us, but i will be okay with whatever he decides, as long as he puts action behind it.

Some background-Retrouvaille is October 12-14. In May my phone died and I'd wanted to hold out until my contract was up in August, but he told me he wanted me to get another phone on our family account and that it was only a two year contract, which he wanted to do for me. Several times since then he's threatened to cut it off.

He owes me approximately $3700 from when we sold the house on July 30th. At one point he promised to give me $1k when he got his first paycheck and then steady monthly payments after that, but I've gotten nothing and all he'll say now is that he's working on it, but won't commit to anything.

Here's the letter so far.



I will assume by your lack of response that you have made other plans for the weekend of October 12-14. That is fine; I will do the same, although I would have appreciated a response.

I am asking that you make your debt to me a priority and pay it off as soon as possible. Take a loan, withdraw it from your IRA, whatever it takes. Back in July you told me you would make sure I could go to school and that you were taking out 10K, but I never saw a dime of it. I’ve paid for school, as well as all of the closing costs, and without a steady job, would really appreciate being paid back.

Then I ask that you file the paperwork so that I can also be free, legally and morally, to move on with my life. I take my commitments seriously and continue to live in accordance with my vows, but if you are done trying, I need the same freedom. I am done waiting for the day when you decide to start over and give 100% in our relationship. You have continued to move farther away from that and we now only communicate about finances.

I know in my heart I have done everything I could for our marriage and would have continued to work on it, so I am not the one who gave up. I believe in for better or worse, til death do us part. I’ve made my peace with God and believe that I held up my vow, as best as I could. I know that I have learned immensely from this past year and will use that to be a better partner in my next relationship, whenever that may be. I realize that I cannot save this marriage by myself and am okay with letting you go to find what makes you happy.

I ask that you please keep me on the AT&T account, as I will pay the bill immediately upon receipt of the balance due each month. I can quickpay or paypal you the money for convenience. It will also save you from the $200-300 early termination charge. You can be on the car insurance as long as you need, although you may save money on your own.

I wish you peace and happiness in your life. While I hope that perhaps we can be friends in the future, that will never happen if I am begging you to pay bills and waiting on checks that don’t come. I don’t want to be your banker, and right now I feel that you are keeping me in your life because you need the credit cards and not because you care about me. I’m not saying that is your intention, but that is how it feels to me.


I'd appreciate any feedback you can give! I know I can be wordy and don't want to appear to be nagging about money, but he always gives me the money for the credit cards at the last minute, after promising for weeks.

Any feedback? I feel that I need to let him know that he has to start taking action, one way or the other, but I'd appreciate any edits to my letter before I send it tomorrow.

Do you have to send it tomorrow? I would wait for an old-timer to edit it before you send it.

It sounds as if you've made up your mind to move on. Is that how you want it to sound? You sound pretty angry with him. I suspect it could be shorter too. Sorry not to be more helpful but I've just got back into this so don't feel very qualified to give too much advice.

I hope you get some editing.

I can understand your frustration. Good luck.