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Regretful, I didn't recommend Dance of Anger but rather Dance of Connection. It wasn't clear to me if you read it as Anger.

I would be interested in why you found it a waste. Not that I think everyone should find what I recommend interesting or helpful but I think it helps to see what you are looking for.

Bug, it was Dance of Deception, not Dance of Anger. The book was awfully dated and just didn't feel relevant. It covered some "feminist" topics - not that I am an anti-feminist or anything like that - but I was looking for insight on why women lie about their emotions and hold things in like I did, and it went all over the place. I didn't even finish it, although it did have a section on affairs.

Anyway, I hope that Dance of Connection is a better book. My only point was I didn't like Dance of Deception by the same author.

Just a little update:
S8 had a soccer game this morning. Even though they are all 30-45 min away, H insists that we do not ride in the car together. So, we waste gas, contribute to pollution, etc... H did not sit next to me and S6 this time, although he was reasonably pleasant.

I had originally said I wanted someone to ride back with me but the boys did not seem to want to do that - so I left after the game by myself. I figured that the bright side was I could listen to whatever I wanted in the car and have a peaceful ride home.

When I got back I started putting away the dishes and H said he would clean up the kitchen. This is significant in a few ways:

1) I think he recognized I was a little upset/hurt at the game and maybe is trying to make up for it. I think it's clear that I'm feeling left out these days, although I'm really trying not to pout or complain, just sucking it up... I made breakfast for S8 and S6 but wasn't allowed to ride in the car. It really is not fair but I'm trying to keep my cool... I even brought an apple along for H despite all of the above, because I knew he'd be hungry. And he actually ate it.

2) He hasn't really cleaned up in the kitchen since I've been back. I always do it, and while it annoys me greatly, I haven't complained or even been huffy about it. And I haven't asked him to do it, although I think it all the time.

3) I finished the washing up last night after he made dinner (to which I wasn't invited) and maybe he recognized that. Note he hasn't helped clean up when I've made dinner, even though he stands over the stove and eats. Our old arrangement was the person who doesn't cook cleans up.

4) Probably the most important one, I've realized that one of my LL's is Acts of Service, and I think he must know that too on some level. This is an area where we conflict... he likes to rest and I like to putter/clean/organize, and I think he feels a little guilt about that.

He's taking a nap right now but he said, "I just need to rest my eyes for 5 minutes..." We're not in any rush to go anywhere so the fact he's being cognizant about his chores is a good sign. I told him just to rest.

More update:
Had to leave S6's soccer game early today. After driving all over the world today and then coming to the game only to be met with a cold shoulder attitude, my patience was pretty thin. Plus in S6's level of soccer it's not taken too seriously and both the ref and coach seemed like they had no idea what they were doing. Especially the ref.

So I left at halftime. It probably was kind of immature to just walk away, but I could feel my blood starting to boil and I needed to get out of there. Now I understand a little why my H does that.

I got home and dishes were not done. This was now about 6 hours after H said he would do them. I had to make dinner so I washed up myself, cursing all the while, but H was not home so I could do this without having a bad attitude in front of him. I was so mad that I actually cleaned and scrubbed the grill on our stove. Who knows why I even bothered to look under there, but it needed cleaning! Helpful hint ladies (and men): clean when you're mad. It's way more enjoyable that way.

By the time H got home, I had calmed down enough to not be mad. He said he really was going to do the dishes... I didn't say anything or yell at him, he just said it, and all I could do was look at him as if to say, "Well, after 6 hours went by I figured you weren't going to." But I told him he could clean up after our dinner and he did so quite willingly. I told him thank you.

Bit of a side note, I can hear party noise coming from our neighbor's house - that party we had to back out of - making me a little sad :-(. My little room faces that side of the house and there is kind of nowhere else for me to go. I'll need to find something on TV so I don't have to listen to everyone whoopin and hollerin over there.

Anyway, I was proud of myself for not getting mad at him like I normally would have ... my dad was over and his comment was that H was punishing himself as much as he was punishing me. I'm tired of feeling like an unappreciated cook, maid and chauffeur, that's for sure.

This is a bad feeling, but try to blow off steam some how. I feel the same way, especially with the tension level over here right now. I think to myself, you want a D but you can't figure out how to do your own wash?

Keep trying to not blow up and keep a happy face when H is around.

I was so mad that I actually cleaned and scrubbed the grill on our stove. Who knows why I even bothered to look under there, but it needed cleaning! Helpful hint ladies (and men): clean when you're mad. It's way more enjoyable that way.

Thanks for this recommendation - that's my joke of the day. A constructive way to deal with anger.

The scary thing is that H is pretty self sufficient... this am he got the kids dressed and out the door and with snacks... so now I am feeling unnecessary. That is a VERY scary feeling when you don't feel like you are needed...

So now it's unappreciated and "not needed." The not needed part echoes back to my job and those feelings of worthlessness that led me to OM #2 in the first place. OM #2 was speaking my "love language" and H was not. Ugh. What a mess. I hope we can start MC again soon.

At least I have a good 2 hours of cry time before I have to face H again... or, more accurately, attend my son's soccer game where he will be. I HATE this!!

Today was a little bit better. He wasn't quite so dismissive at S8's soccer game. It's interesting, there is another couple there who I sense is separated too... the dad arrives separately and they don't sit together or talk much.

When we got back I got to work on the garage. It had become a huge mess, and there's still stuff in there that never got organized from our move. It reminded me of how awful our move was. I did all the packing that I could and H did the rest - but he didn't organize anything. For instance, I found my H's car registration from 2011 stashed in a pile of junk. So I have a lot of built up resentment about the mess and lack of organization.

I asked H to help and he said he would but wasn't interested in "working as a team"... then I heard him ask S8 if he wanted to go to the neighbor's house - yes THAT neighbor - and I went outside to work. I guess S8 said no because neighbor and her 2 girls came over here (they are the same ages as my kids). N did not come outside to say hello to me; my H told me that the girls had come for a visit after they left. I still don't think anything's "going on" but this friendship irks me. It would be one thing if the 4 of us were friends but that's not the case. Boy was I annoyed to hear that they were going to socialize while I was outside in the heat hauling boxes.

After they left H came out to help - he hauled boxes into the house for a while. I just left his tools in a pile outside the garage for him to organize. He said he'd do it. Now I know why I get so annoyed when he doesn't help - Acts of Service is one of my LL... I know I feel good when he pitches in but it doesn't happen all that often :-(. I think if he knew how much it meant to me he might try harder.

Longrun - if he keeps at it my home will be whipped into shape in no time! I always try to look on the bright side

Absolutely. If you are making changes for your H or your M, how are they going to stick?



This is one of those areas where I read it and thought, this was an opportunity to have some fun. What you said sounded like a veiled attack honestly. I don't know how you said it, but given that you were angry the whole time, I think I can guess. Personally, I would have said something like "I'll let you make it up to me (wink wink)" and just smiled and went about my business.