Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Separating Inevitable

A weekend of emotional turmoil!

My parents visited from out of state. They knew we were having problems but not that a OW was part of the picture.

Sat am at my S's baseball game my husband asks to go for "a walk" - very strange. He tells me that OW sent him a pict of her in a t-shirt. He replied with a very sexual e-mail. He explained this as a "flirtatious game" they have played (but only twice-?). She sent it thru her home e-mail accidentally & her H intercepted it. My H said he wanted me to know in case the H showed up this weekend. OF course I was devastated and sickened about the e-mail.

Well, Monday afternoon he DID show up with a printed copy in hand as well as the imfamous t-shirt. He was very angry & apparently wanted to talk to me to let me know what he knew. Long story short he eventually left after I'd taken the email & his phone #. This guy scared the daylights out of me--like I thought he was going to pull a gun & shoot my H! My parents witnessed this through the window too. Luckily our children were distracted and were not exposed to the scene.

My husband called this a "wake-up call" for him. He realized in order to NOT have this guy return and potentially endanger our family he had to stop communication with HER. So, Tues he "broke it off" via email with her all the while reading me every one of his and her emails to "keep me informed."

He was planning to move out but now it's up in the air. He dropped the INILWY (again) and told her he still loves her.

Of course I'm thrilled they won't be comm anymore, but they still work together & he already said he would talk to her at school if she would still talk to him (& they did today apparently).

The whole reason he said he needed to move out was to "figure things out" and "find himself". Well, even though she isn't a complete part of the equation FOR NOW, she still is there and her divorce will be final in 1 1/2 months so then he may decide to start comm with her.

He already started to go into "cold mode" and definitely was crying about her last night (grieving her)...I really don't know if he can stay away from her. He is contemplating the whole "move out." I don't know whether to support that decision--as he is clearly very screwed up, or whether to give the opinion that he should stay (for the kids presumable, but really so we are still together in the house and can comm when/if he chooses).

Need advice! What about the comm at school? DOesn't this just keep it burning with the OW??

I want him to stay but I really think he NEEDS to go to figure things out. I think it is a risk either way. Advice???

Turtle, we have some similar situations on the EA front. Because the other spouse ended it and not either participant, There is no closure and thus I don't believe it is over by a mile.

I can only suggest no more spying and don't focus on it. Sounds impossible and is hard but is the best way to get through this. Focus on you. You said you exercise -- that is great. Find other GAL opportunities and work on you.

We are both in for a long ride on the EA front. Don't let it dominate you. You cannot control it.

William,
Thank you for your support & shared experience. I agree the EA is NOT over by a mile, My H is still communicating w OW at work and I have NO idea what those interactions are like.

Any thoughts on his wanting to move out for space, now to deal with his detachment from her too, among all the other stuff he is dealing with?

I understand your concern which matches my erg first post on here. Allowing ,y W more time and space only further allows her the to invest in the other relationship.

However, nothing I do or say rot now will change her because I cannot change her. Se is so lost and confused that nothing I as or does right now registers. Knowing that I have no option but to give her more space and time.

I know having him move out is scary for a thousand reasons. Your M, your kids, you, and a thousand more. However, there is nothing I think you can do or say to make him focus and make a clear decision right now.

Hi TG- your sitch is very similar to mine. My H started a EA that resulted in a PA. He stopped the PA but says he stills talks to OW occasionally, whatever that means. He can be moody and often acts like he's in some type of withdrawal. Every so often he talks about moving out but has not taken any steps to do that. Sometimes when he is sulking, I wish he does. He complains of not knowing what's wrong with him, needing space, not sure what he wants, in love with OW,etc..then he switches gears and tells me how much he loves me. sometimes I don't how much I can take so read posts like yours and know that I'm not alone. I'm sure they were sex ting but I don't know if the flame is still hott. I give him his space and work hard at getting a life for myself.

Give your H the space he needs. Him moving out will give you a chance to work on yourself. Start to reflect on this:

What are 3 things your H would like to change about your marriage?

He feels trapped in a cage. If he says he wants to move out, then tell him you understand why he feels that way and you support his decision. Don't specifically tell him to move out, just validate his emotions and support whatever he decides. There's a chapter in Love Must Be Tough that talks about this, if the LBS throws the cage door open then suddenly the WAS isn't sure they really want to leave. They originally wanted to leave because they felt trapped, but once the door is open that trapped feeling goes away. They also start questioning why their spouse is suddenly letting them go- is she ready to move on? Am I losing her? What now? By going along with them you're changing the dynamic and making them question their plan. And he may very well leave, but you have to realize you can't control whether he leaves or stays so it's best not to try because if you try then you're just applying pressure to him and driving him away.

Great advice, Another Stander. You have really become quite a light on this board and so helpful to others. Thanks from all of us.

I agree. AnotherStander has provided some solid advice.

Yes, some good info here. Also, think about talking to a DB coach, as they are experts in helping you come up with a plan on how to move forward that will keep the ball in your court and help you to come up with some solutions to the issues you are facing. I would look forward to talking to you about the options.
Take good care.