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What happens or what do I do if he doesn't say anything? Were home, I saw the card and pic that was in in his bedroom on the nightstand but no letter this is so hard, I feel awful thinking he threw it out. Maybe it was too soon, but my therapist recommended it. We've talked and chatted but nothing about anything really and my daughter is still up. I'm now petrified he's going to bring it up and tell me its over.

Hi fmh -

I understand your fears. It would be lovely, but unrealistic for your H to jump for joy and cherish your letter in this moment.

Let it sink in. Men and women are different. Plus your behavior has put him through the ringer as well, and he might not feel your actions and words now are ringing true for him. He might even tell you it's over. That doesn't really mean it's over though.

Now you have to be consistent. And patient. You have to be really considerate of him. In his eyes, it's not about you now, and you're going to need to accept that to make progress.

The good news is...you can do this. We're here to support you and help you.

So there was no discussion at all. After my daughter went to bed, he watched TV and I cleaned up the kitchen with my head phones on. There was idle chit chat but that was about it. He said good night and then went to bed. We had idle chit chat again this morning and I sent him a text about possible house showing tomorrow night, but that is it.

This is worse (maybe) than him saying something - the not knowing, whether he read it or not or threw it out. I don't know why he would have kept the card if he threw out the letter. I am overthinking everything!!! and the anxiety I have 24 hours a day is awful. But then I think "this is what he felt like" when he thought I didn't love him anymore.

Im scared of the 180s in my situation - I was absent and non affectionate and distant. My 180 I think is to now be there for him and support him as best as I can. My therapist told me to try a bit of affection - like a rub of the arm or back if he passes, just non challantly but otherwise there has been no contact between us at all in over a month.

Thankfully I am able to get into see my therapist tomorrow now, hopefully she can shed some light.

I have soooo many questions, I guess I really do overthink things but wanted to see what people thought about this - my husband and I both have blackberries and we are on each other's contact list, this is how we communicate most of the time (even when things were good). There is a "status" bar at the top of my contact so whenever he is on his bbm he can see my profile pic (which is a pic of my daughter) and then also what I have for my status. Since this all started, I have been putting "inspirational" status' on it. For example, right now it says "Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow".

Would this be considered "pressure"? should I remove it?

Thanks.

Good. You gave it to him, that's fine, don't worry about it. He probably kept it and he may reread it in the future. There is no need for you to reiterate anything in the letter, just let it all go for now.



Also good, part of detaching and GAL'ing. But don't stop there, really do go out and GAL. I know you don't have DR yet, but you'll know what we mean when you get it and read it. DO NOT share anything in DR with your H. It is strictly for you.



Yikes. Keep all conversations light and fluffy. Ask him questions, let him talk about whatever he wants and you concentrate on being a great listener.



He is probably saying it because he truly means it. He's not getting back at you, he really doesn't feel like he's "in love" with you right now. Your goal is to change yourself into a person that is so happy and attractive that he'll be drawn to you like a moth to light.



Don't worry about it, you can't undo it. We all backslide now and then, DR will tell you not to sweat it, just learn from it and redouble your efforts to stay on track in the future. 180's are covered in DR, but basically it's determining what you did wrong in the M and doing the opposite of that, a "180". An example might be if you always nagged him about doing things around the house- "you never take out the trash, why can't you do even a simple little thing like that" and instead just take the trash out yourself and focus on his positive traits- "it's great how you bar-b-que once a week, I really enjoy that!" To attract your H back you need to change what you've been doing, you need to do 180's. And you need to be consistent with them, it'll take a lot of time for him to believe it's real and not just an attempt to get him back.



Like I said before, don't expect him to say anything, he probably won't. And you shouldn't either. Just forget it. If he tells you it's over, then your proper response is to validate his feelings. "I understand why you feel that way and I support your decision." You're not agreeing or disagreeing, just validating. It'll diffuse things immediately. DO NOT argue, contradict, justify, explain, etc.



Read Sandi's 37 tips again. I think you'd agree after reading them that you should remove it. Quit pursuing, start detaching!

Thanks again, its great to have a mans perspective on these things! I removed the status line from my bb. I can't wait to get the book. I know the things I have done wrong like ignored him when we were home together or I went out a lot. So I'm staying home more. He said to me once "I got used to you being gone" so now he has to get used to me being here. The REAL me. I also didn't show very much affection but how do I show him affection to him when he doesn't want me to? My therapist said make small gestures like rub his arm, or stroke his back, fix his shirt, that type of thing so I'm trying. But that seems like the opposite of what people are saying on here - by going dark and ignoring him. I'm confused he's cold and distant and I don't think he would care if I talked to him at all. But then he says goodnight to me and leaves the green jube jubes which he doesn't like but he knows I like them and put them on the counter in front of me. Its soooooooo confusing!! Also, what's the rule about sharing with my friends my efforts? I'm worried that it could get back to him through their husbands. And I'm trying to GAL but I really don't have a lot of close friends now and my daughter needs me right now, she is going through a very rough period, adjusting to school and I know she senses something is wrong at home. Its another thing I felt I did, not spend enoguh time with her, I worked a lot even at home. So I'm trying to change that as well, no more work at home. Sorry for the long post, looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow. Thanks again

The first chapter of the book is on this board if you want to start reading.

I have already printed it and have gotten a few pages in already I'm also going to look up the 5 languages of love. Its suppose to go into different ways to show affection. My H won't let me show him "physical" affection now so I have to figure out different ways to do this.

Yes that is a great book and you can figure out what your LL is and also maybe what his is.
It was interesting that even when my wife was not speaking I still knew what he LL was and that she could speak to me that way, with NO WORDS.

What do I do if I know he has lied to me
He sent me a text this afternoon said he was going to be home around 7pm cause he was going to pick up his hunting license. He got home after 730pm, changed his workshirt right away (said he was cold). The work shirt is full of cat hair (pretty sure the OW has a cat) and he left the receipt for his hunting license on the work bench and its time stamped 1249pm.
What makes this worse is that technically its "his" week with our daughter so if I am right (never know I guess) he basically ditched his kid for her. He was so nice when he got home too, opened the convo telling me how cheap he got his hunting license and bullets for. Why? I am pissed, distraught and beside myself. Trying to keep my cool and not look wounded. I never lied to him about where I went. He may not believe that but its true.