I could use some advice, and fast. I just recieved a I miss you text. She also said she doesn't want to lead me to believe that there isn't any hope because she thinks the way is divorce. Not quite sure how to respond. Thinking about saying that I miss her as well but it is her choice as far as what she wants to do.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
About the needing advice fast...you don't have to answer every text immediately. Every time she makes contact is not the interaction that will make or break this.
Relax.
What are you goals? Are you working on them? That will help you more than anything with all these little details.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I would like to share a conversation that happened via a text today between my W and I.
W "Being at the house today has made me very sad. I miss it here. I miss you too. I can not say anything beyond that. And I do not want to lead you to believe that there is any hope since I myself think the way is divorce. But I thought you should know."
Me "I do miss you too, and this has helped me understand the meaning of unconditional. I would like to stay together, but whatever you choose to do, I will support you."
W " I need to feel like I am completely self supporting and happy on my own before you or anyone else can enhance my happiness. Do you understand? I don't want or expect you to wait around."
Me "I do understand, and my life is not going to stop because of this. It is actually just beginning. You have shown me that I can not stop growing, and I can not take anything in my life for granted. Thank you!"
Any comments, questions, or suggestions would be greatly apprciated.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Maybe I am reading to much into it, but why tell me that I am missed and then say there is no hope. Am I being strung along? Is she just making sure that I can continue to give her time? I am willing to wait,(the DR way), just not sure how to keep from being a doormat. I am working very hard on detaching and GAL. Any thoughts? I know she has needs space and time to work through all of this. I am willing to see it through. More than anything I want my family together. I love her and I believe in her.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Maybe I am reading to much into it, but why tell me that I am missed and then say there is no hope. Am I being strung along? Is she just making sure that I can continue to give her time?
Have you read DB and/ or DR? It's all explained in there. First, you need to drop all your expectations. She is on a journey of discovery and you have to detach to allow her to make the journey as quickly as possible. Focus on you, not her. Second, memorize DB tip 32:
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
She says she misses you? Don't read anything into it. She says she wants a D? Again, don't read anything into it. You're going to hear a lot of conflicting info from her because despite what you see on the outside, she's struggling with a lot of turmoil on the inside and is trying to sort through her emotions. She will express that turmoil through confusing and conflicting comments, don't believe any of them.
I would absolutely not go along with D at this point. Leave that completely up to her, do not assist her in any way, shape or form. It is very common for WAW's to talk about divorce early on but then completely drop it if the LBS doesn't push it.
Also, are there typical stages of recovery for a WAS? Almost like what a LBS goes through.
Unfortunately no. Many WAS's will be absolutely cold and aloof for months and then literally overnight do a 180 and want to reconcile and pour out their love on the LBS. Others will show consistent positive signs along the way while others will do the pursue/ distance thing. And of course there are some that leave and never look back. There's no game plan, would be nice if there was so we could monitor where they are.
Please take the advice from the writer that said 'don't respond to every text':) It is so important that you respond to her in a way that is more likely to get through to her heart and not push her any further away. A DB coach will help you learn new and successful ways to do this. I would be happy to give you further info about this. Take good care and I look forward to hearing from you.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Had a good conversation with the w today. She went to look at a house to buy, and asked if I would take a look at it too. It is nice that whe wants my opinion about it. Might have backslided a bit when I asked her if there was room for me. Although she did say that she has been thinking about it. She stated that she doesn't think she could come back to the house I am in. She isn't a big fan of the neighbors. They are a bit nosy. She mentioned something about some paperwork that would have to be done to get her name off of our house in order for her to get a loan. I told her to let me know what she needed from me to make it happen. I feel like whatever I can to to help her find happiness is beneficial to both us.
I am full of hope, and this just added to it. Still trying to keep my expectations down. It is hard to seperate hope and expectation. Going to maintain the path I am on and see how it goes. Well I am off to go rock climbing.
I love the high road, it makes me feel good about the person I am becoming.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
