LITB, so glad that you went through it. That was indeed a very good description of what happened without giving it away! Its been a year now since H and I went to Retrouvaille, and it really has helped us so much that we have decided to volunteer our time to help other couples as well. I still remember hofew intense and emotionally exhausting it was, but also how the glow of hope felt....
Retrouvaille did help us get to know ourselves better, and communicate in a "safe" way. One of the things that I realize is that truly, marriages do evolve as we grow older - and passes through all the stages described in the book. The disillusionment and misery phases - which is usually the phase were we all fall apart with the problems - is aggravated by the way we tend to hurt each other in communicating.
Its important to attend the posts, and even after the posts, to keep in touch with the group. Once the excitement and motivation wears off, there is the danger of backsliding, which happened to us actually.
Take care and keep posting!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
We attended our 1st post session today. We continued to learn to communicate through dialogue to build a more solid foundation for our relationship.
The most profound part of today was when my W brought up some difficult times in my life in describing "devastation" in voluntary open discussion. It brought some very deep emotions to the surface for me.
A short time later, my W and I dialogued about the strongest feelings we had today. The strongest feelings for both my W and I occurred when she shared that part of my life.
To paint a better picture for you, during Christmas of 09, we were at my sister's house visiting with my parents, my best friend and both of our wives. I would have never imagined that after that visit, my life would never be the same. My dad passed away 2 weeks later from cancer Jan '10, my W asked me for a D in Nov '10 and my best friend passed away unexpectedly in Sept 11.
For the mostpart I suppress my feelings. Now, I am able to express my feelings in a new and different way for myself.
The point I am getting to is that my wife apologized for not being there for me when I needed her the most and she said she put her own selfish needs first. It was a very pleasant surprise.
I really feel good about the direction of our R/M.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I am happy to read your update LITB! :-) So happy for you and your family. Your children especially for the fact that they are witnessing love in front of their eyes.
((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
All is well. My W and I will be attending our 5th Retrovaille post session tomorrow. It seems to help keep our M/R centered, especially when we face some of are more challenging times. We missed the last post session, as I was the best man for a friend wedding in Vegas.
The trip to Vegas gave us an opportunity to spend some much needed quality time together, which is undoubtedly the biggest challenge with our busy schedules. We got to see some of our friends while there.
I'll share something that I found to be a nice change. On Friday evening during our visit, we met a few friends at a central location. We lived there for 14 years, so this made it easier on us. My W and I had discussed watching the movie Flight later in the evening. While visiting with friends, her girlfriends talked about going dancing and I assumed we were joining them. To my surprise, my W let them know that we planned on watching a movie together. It's something small, yet so big to me.
We have our disagreements. As a matter of fact, we had a disagreement last night. Our S6 was running a low grade fever. When she got home, she immediately assumed that I would be taking today off. I thought that it was better for her to take the day off.
She just started a new job last week, so she has a valid point. My stance is that I have a deadline and I'm the breadwinner....granted, I only said that I needed to get some things out that are very important. As we were talking, we agreed to meet in the middle and compromise. I'd work half day and she'd work the other half. As I put more thought into the sitch, I remember her complaint about me minimizing her worth. I decided to stay home for the whole day. It appears to have made a difference.
As for our children, they have transitioned back to the Bay Area extremely well. We were very fortunate to have been assigned two great teachers.
As I said earlier, the biggest challenge is that we don't spend enough time together alone. It is something that we are working to overcome.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
All is well. My W and I will be attending our 5th Retrovaille post session tomorrow. It seems to help keep our M/R centered, especially when we face some of are more challenging times. We missed the last post session, as I was the best man for a friend wedding in Vegas.
The trip to Vegas gave us an opportunity to spend some much needed quality time together, which is undoubtedly the biggest challenge with our busy schedules. We got to see some of our friends while there.
I'll share something that I found to be a nice change. On Friday evening during our visit, we met a few friends at a central location. We lived there for 14 years, so this made it easier on us. My W and I had discussed watching the movie Flight later in the evening. While visiting with friends, her girlfriends talked about going dancing and I assumed we were joining them. To my surprise, my W let them know that we planned on watching a movie together. It's something small, yet so big to me.
We have our disagreements. As a matter of fact, we had a disagreement last night. Our S6 was running a low grade fever. When she got home, she immediately assumed that I would be taking today off. I thought that it was better for her to take the day off.
She just started a new job last week, so she has a valid point. My stance is that I have a deadline and I'm the breadwinner....granted, I only said that I needed to get some things out that are very important. As we were talking, we agreed to meet in the middle and compromise. I'd work half day and she'd work the other half. As I put more thought into the sitch, I remember her complaint about me minimizing her worth. I decided to stay home for the whole day. It appears to have made a difference.
As for our children, they have transitioned back to the Bay Area extremely well. We were very fortunate to have been assigned two great teachers.
As I said earlier, the biggest challenge is that we don't spend enough time together alone. It is something that we are working to overcome.
Hey LITB! Glad to hear things are going well overall! As we've discussed before, it sounds like you and I are experiencing similar stuff.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks Denver. When people would post that piecing can be as difficult as trying to get here, I didn't quite comprehend how true that statement was. Piecing is no joke, but I wouldn't be a much improved knucklehead today without going thru the hell to get here.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Hi LITB, Piecing IS HARD. Arguments won't go away, it is more how you handle it that changes. You know, for a while, after Retrouvaille we had a huge backslide. In a way, it was because I started having expectations again.... and it almost sunk us.
But slowly, what we learned from Retro (and its almost been a year now) has been sinking in...as well as what I have learned from DBing. I have learned to bac away from potential confict....to wait until its a safer time...to choose my battles...and so has H.
Keep going....you take care!
P.S. Are you still in the Bay area? I am volunteering for the SF Retro group.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Yes, we are in the Bay Area. We live on the Peninsula, however we attended the Oakland Retrouvaille as the dates worked out better. We do have to make up a couple of post sessions, this last weekend included, because our S6 was still ill on Saturday. We might make them up in SF. We'll see how it works out with our schedule.
Our of curiosity, how often do you dialogue now that it has been awhile since you first got involved with Retrouvaille? We find that it has been a challenge for the last month.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
