Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers So here's my story part 2

On a side note, I have to admit the irony in that I first found this site because I didn't want to lose my W, so to speak, and now I can't get rid of her.
Life is funny sometimes.

Ps. I realize W is not a possession, the above phrasing was all I could come up with at the moment.


Time to exercise.

So exercised, stepped on the scale and have added a few pounds (part of my goal). Yay me!

So I shower, W asks if I was ok to talk. I say sure. So I started off with yeah, u don't need those emails at work, and I reminded her that I'm in the bedroom most nights reading or what not (after the kids go to bed) as a means to give her space, not being mean. So we start off with the bed scenario, I ask the basic idea she has in terms of rearranging things, everything sounds ok. I then say she can use my truck if need be. She admits that she needs to stop relying on me. I agree.
So then I ask how she intended on paying for it. She said the joint account, because she has contributed, which she truthfully has, but wow did she get o*say at me asking. I'm a control freak again according to her. I stand up for myself calmly and let we know its a fair question and I was just asking, especially since haven't specifically talked about to divide the money to create our individual accounts, especially because we'll need money for Ls. She says she doesnt want to have to get a L. She adds that this while scenario has made me bitter and has destroyed me. I agreed that it initially did, and now that I'm much better. I did inquire about the different house / rooms / feeling different statement. She said she was unsure. She asked me what I wanted. I said I don't know. We are technically married, yet you're dating someone and not willing to work on the marriage so maybe she can buy her bed and set it up at one if her parent's houses. Yeah, even though I said it nicely, she didn't like that. She got even more angry when I added that the kids would be here. She said she wasn't going to leave the kids. I responded that in effect you will be leaving them at least half the time since she is the one who initiated this whole scenario, not me. I admitted mistakes I've made and how I've tried to correct them and seek forgiveness from her. I added my history of insecurity that no one evidently sees.

So in short, I was rather well composed and didn't raise my voice even when she attacked. Oh, and we didn't make it to the dog part.

Thank you all for the guidance on this conversation. It helped make it a baby rollercoaster, if even that.

Tori, as far as dividing assets, it was more of separating bank accounts and bills (eg student loans), not specific tangible items.

Denver, if you don't mind me asking. What kind of law do you practice?

You handled the conversation very well, AND exercised, AND got closer to your weight goal. Yeah!

I wonder if you two would benefit from talking to a mediator to solve the moving out issue. Does your insurance cover counseling? You could use the sessions to discuss this item, kids' schedules, etc.

Keep showing this is NOT destroying you. That you're doing well and will continue doing well.

If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.

Tori

Not to give false hope but some mediators find that after couples go through that process, they start thinking about how difficult divorce will be...

You were good with the convo.

Don't expect her to agree with you, if she gets angry, she gets angry. Her emotions to deal with, not yours.

Mostly criminal defense afa.

It dumbfounds me that your W even considers staying in your home as an option. She IS DATING ANOTHER MAN. She is rejecting you, the M, and your family. Why does she believe that she is still entitled to the benefits of those things?

I have no problem with you continuing to be kind to her, polite, loving from a distance. In fact, I think that that's the right thing to do if you want to DB and save your M. But I just don't see any way possible that this goes in a positive direction until she is out of the house and forced to live some of the consequences of her choices.

She got angry with you for inquiring into where the money for the bed was going to come from? That's to be expected afa. If you stand up for yourself and ultimately have boundaries for yourself, she is going to be angry at times. Why? Because she will not be getting her way. The plans for how she has envisioned that this will go will not be going the way that she wanted. This is unavoidable afa. This is going to get worse before it gets better my friend.

Denver

I agree with Denver. The whole in-house separation when there is OM would be unacceptable to me.

She's acting like a child, driven by emotion and not logic. Stay centered and calm.

Just checking in to say I am grateful to have each of your support. Other than being dumbfounded myself Denver about W, I am okay.
I have been able to laugh at some of the sich. I know I will be have more UPS and downs, here and there, and I also know that I am truly getting better.

I still love W as the mother of my 3 children and care for her well being.
I question aeccepting he back, eve. / if that is an option. If not, in the end I can tell anyone and everyone, especially the kids later in life, that I tried my best, ido my best, and I did with integrity.

A few weeks ago I read the book "Perks of Being a Wallflower,". In there is a quote, "we accept the love we think we deserve.". At first I applied it to W, from a clinical perspective it made sense about her. Then I flipped the the quote and I applied it to myself, it too applies from a clinical context, yet I want better for me!

GRATITUDE!!!!
Make your daily gratitude list and check up on it every now n then!

See you at the picnic!

Your quote got me thinking. I've also questioned my desire to stay with my H. I think it's understandable for everyone whose S had had an A. Unless the S really shows remorse and wants to work on the M, how are we supposed to heal and move forward? Your W is far from that point. My H said he was sorry but he has not been committed to our M for 2 years. Can this really change? I go back to what I wrote on my thread, about the possibility of this nightmare happening all over again in 2, 5, or 10 years.

I want to save my M because I love my H and truly believe we can be happy together, but he would have to feel the same way for that happy life to happen.

I'm glad to hear you are handling things well.

Gratitude lists are a great thing to do.

Tori