Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife in MLC? I'm seeking support / guidance

I recently read Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. My language is clearly physical touch, followed by words of affirmation. I have been struggling to determine my wife’s LL’s. I knew gifts were important to her, as she always excelled at giving me well thought out gifts that were expertly wrapped. She also was devastated the few times I forgot to give her a gift on a special occasion. She even reminded me a few weeks ago that she never missed any of our special occasions. (but was kind enough not to mention the times I forgot)

Last week as I was thinking about this, I stumbled upon a ‘game’ she made for us several years ago. In this game we each received points for performing different household chores. These points could then be redeemed for various forms of physical touch. OMG! She was trying to connect with me via our Love Languages! Back when she came up with this idea I let it drop after a week or so, because keeping track of the points seemed to me to be too much trouble. I don’t think I have to tell you what a mistake I now know this was.

I took over my share of the chores (even more at first) when her Mom passed in December, three months before she dropped the bomb. Even so, it was seen by her as “too little. Too late”.

So Gifts and Acts of Service are her Love Languages.

I mentioned earlier that my wife is out of town for work today and tomorrow, and that I wanted to do something that would surprise her. It has been starting to get cold around here, so I decided to get her some flannel sheets for her bed, and just put them on before she gets home without saying anything. It’s not a big gift, (I know better than to try to buy her love with gifts) and I’m not going to make a big deal about it, but it will show that I do think of her. When she says something about it I will just say I knew it was getting cold and that she would like it.

I also have an opportunity to see how she feels about me and our relationship without asking in about 2 and a half weeks on my birthday. This past June was our 29th anniversary and she gave me nothing, not even a card. If she gives me anything on my B-day I will consider it another positive sign.

That's a FIRST here....



This is great, and in your favor, as you already know.



You are welcome...here's to your success, and you leading the way for others as well! We're counting on you.

spreading the love-

Knowing she would enjoy it, I also drew her a bath. We talked a bit about her trip, she even laughed some, but still seemed cool and distanced. Then she started to type on her ipad. I was in process of making a nice dinner when she came in and abruptly asked “How Long?”. (until dinner would be ready) I later wished I had addressed her tone as inappropriate. This is one of the boundaries I am working on: I expect to be treated with respect. Would she have asked a friend or co-worker a short and abrupt question in the same tone? Nope.

She complimented and thanked me for making a good meal.

When she learned of the bath she said “Thank you, but you didn’t have to do that”. I replied “I can’t do anything nice for you?” and quickly realized this comment was a mistake. She did not reply to it. She enjoyed her bath and sang along to her ipad songs, which included some of her favorite ‘moving on and leaving’ songs.

“I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me”

“You got to go when your heart says go
Isn't that so”

“Now you’re just somebody that I used to know”

“Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for”

I’ve grown used to her playing and singing to these types of songs, and never show any reaction to it. Heck, one time many months back, she came into the room, sat down right next to me and hit ‘play’ to this one:

“You know I'm not one to break promises
I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe
At the end of it all, you're still my best friend
But there's something inside that I need to release
Which way is right, which way is wrong
How do I say that I need to move on
You know we're headed separate ways

And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I'll be on my way”

Ouch. Thankfully, she has started to include many other types of music to her play lists. Older songs that I actually like, and sometimes she plays introspective and calming new age stuff with no lyrics at all. (She finished off her bath with this)

Not a word about the new bed sheets this morning. And the coaster rolls on...

FY,

I admire the effort you place into and passion you still have for your relationship. You and I share slightly similar situations in that my W also does not open up ever and never provided any hints of a teetering R. Even as I go back and look for clues now they are few and far between. I wish I had worldly advice but seem to get more form you than I am able to give for now as I am learning. That being said, I pray for you and continue to support you from afar.

Keep fighting the good fight...

I'm not sure who wrote that song but it sounds like it could have been my wife right now. That sounds so much like the way she seems to be feeling about us.

It looks like I've been at this a bit longer but my sitch is different as my wife moved out in May and is now seeing OM. We were together for 2 years after EA and I thought we'd made it through the toughest. Little did I know. I now wish I'd had DR while we were living together. She might have stayed if I had started DBing then.

All I'd say to you is try not to crowd her too much. If she wants space, give it to her and don't go too much out of your way to please her. She might think it's pathetic and might even take advantage of it. Bottom line, though, is if it's working for you don't stop. Every sitch is different and only you know your W.

Cheers mate!!

Songwriters. Is there anything they don't know about love and long term relationships? lol



Agreed. This is exactly where I'm at right now. Doesn't seem to be anything I can do to make things better, she has to fix herself. I'm just trying to give her time and space to do that, while being a loving H. Things aren't getting worse, so I see that as a sign that I'm on course.

I still wonder every day how long I can do this though.

Don't we all? All you've got to do is make it through today. One day at a time. We keep being told that patience is the word. I'm sure there is a reason for this.

Our washing machine is on its way out, so I decided to "take charge" and start looking for a replacement. I did some research and then told my wife I wanted to go out to a local dealer after dinner tonight, and she agreed to go with. On the ride there she was very quiet, and I made a little small talk.

Afterwards she made a comment about "spending all this money only only to sell the house". I said what are you talking about, we never discussed selling the house. I don't want to sell our house. She said well you know there's a big problem with that plan. I paused for a moment and said yes, I understand that you may want to leave, but I like our house, and have no plans to leave it. I went on briefly about how we built it up together, and made it into exactly what we wanted. She then said "well, then that means there has to be a buy out."

We both stayed calm, and I didn't try to convince her to change her mind about leaving the marriage or house. I thought I did well, but if anyone can offer any suggestions on how to best handle these types of talks when she brings them up I'd love to hear it.

It seems that even though I've been going through hell, I'm also beginning to feel better. Not always of course, but for longer periods. She on the other hand seems to be in more pain than me. I can even see it aging her face. It hurts me greatly to see her in such pain, while rejecting the very person who would most like to help her through it. So incredibly sad.

Yes mate. I feel the same way when I see my W. Don't take me wrong, she has good days (which usually means bad for me) but overall, I realized that both her and I have physically aged over the last few months. Maybe happiness does keep you young.

It is sad that we can't help them get through this. No one out there could do it better than us, loving husbands. They would be in safe hands and in their good days (for us) we could share moments of happiness which I'm sure would help them greatly.

I think you did well about the house convo. Don't bring it up again. Maybe she won't either.

Thanks Arsene, I hope things are improving in your situation.



Literally the day after she dropped the bomb in March, I latched on to materials that taught me what not to do, so unlike many, I spent little time making things worse by crying, begging, pursuing, initiating Big Relationship Talks, etc. One of my common backslides was being drawn into the ‘trying to convince her’ mode the times she did initiate discussions on ending the M, so I was proud that I was able to avoid that last night.



Fortunately we both still look much younger than our age. (hence my forum name) Many people have commented or joked that it was because we never had kids. Kids are a lot of work and worry, so I think there may be some truth to that. I have little doubt that I could hook up with a younger (and hot) woman should we end up D, but that has absolutely no appeal to me. I don’t want to start over. I know what we had for 33 years was good and can be even better, so here I am on DB trying to wait/work it out. My next thread will be posted in the MLC forum. I’ll need to come up with a clever name for it.

Thank you so much for your support Arsene, and best wishes to you and your wife.