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More journaling,
Not too much to report. I haven't seen H since Halloween and haven't communicated with him since last Saturday. This is probably the #1 most difficult thing for me. I am doing my best to follow the DB principles and only contact H when it's in regards to the kids. I just find myself wanting to initiate some sort of contact particularly if it's been a while since I've seen him. For some reason if I see him (when he picks up my son, comes over for Halloween, etc.) I am much less anxious about wanting to contact him. I think when I see him and we interact I can hear the inflection in his voice, body language, etc. and feel I can better gauge how he's feeling. Thinking about it now, I part of me goes back to that "out of sight out of mind" mentality. Like if we see each other he'll be thinking about me and the more we stay apart the easier it will be to forget. Is that silly?

Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's his birthday coming up on Monday, I don't know. I've just really been missing him lately. I haven't had a good cry over this for a couple weeks but thinking about it now makes me well up...

I wasn't in DB mode last year at this time and bought him quite a few things for his bday, more than usual. From "the kids" of course. I got him a card too. Wrote to him that I was fearful this would be the last card I would purchase for him in which I could call him my H. (at this time he had not said he wanted a D), that I was not giving up on our marriage and I hoped that in the upcoming year he would find the clarity and peace in his life he was looking for. Not sure if I will get him a card this year.
I feel I've come a long way since then particularly with the contact and R talk but sometimes it just gets to me.

I won't see H this weekend either when he picks up S as D has cheer competition. MIL has invited me over for Thanksgiving. I will probably go. I was pathetic last year at her house. Spent time crying in my car thinking they wouldn't know. I certainly didn't do a very good job with "as if" and GAL. As the saying goes, once you know better you can do better. I feel I do know better and can handle being around everyone. H usually has to work anyway so part of the day will be spent without him around anyway.

This post needs to be more about me and less about him. I'm just "in it" today.

On a brighter note, D has submitted her first college application. She's so excited and I'm excited for her. I can't wait to see what these next few years bring her way.
S is anxiously looking forward to his last fall league baseball game on Sat. I think he's a little burned out and needs a break.
Off work tomorrow!!! I'm ready for some "me" time.

Journaling..
Good weekend. D's team got 1st at her competition. She was excited and is looking forward to her next competition in Las Vegas next month.
S had his last baseball game for the fall season. He's looking forward to having a couple months off until Little League starts in Feb.
Saw H briefly on Sunday. Had a bit of a miscommunication regarding when our S was coming home. I was under the impression from previous texts that he was bringing him home late S, he was under the impression that he had asked me if I was going to be LATE getting home on Sunday. He thought my D's competition was an overnighter.
He texted me Sunday already at our home wanting to know when I'd be there. My D and I were out buying him a birthday gift and cards so he suggested meeting me at the mall to drop S off. We met he and my S coming up the escalator. He had given my S money to buy a new hat and as he seemed in a hurry I asked my D to take my S to the hat store so I could go to the car and get H his gift.
I admit I wasn't very good at DB at this point. I asked him why he was dropping S off so early as I thought he was coming later. He said he had something to do and thought he had told me he would be coming early.
To backtrack a little, last year, his first birthday away I had made a big production of purchasing him gifts, cards, etc. and asking him to dinner as a family. He told me he had plans to watch football with friends and couldn't. I didn't buy it, but let it go. I was snooping through his things at MILs house a few months ago and came across a birthday card from another woman (not signed) saying how glad she was to be able to spend his birthday together that she loved him, etc. My fault I know, I wasn't surprised and that's what I get for snooping.
Back to present. As I was talking to him my mind was going back to last year and were I now know he was. I asked him if he was going to watch "football with friends" like he did last year. He said no he wasn't. I then asked him if he'd be spending time with the same "friends" from last year or if he had new "friends" this year. I knew by the look on his face he had no idea what I was talking about I just could not shut up. We walked to the car and I gave him his gift along with the cards. I got him one and I guess the only thing about this was it was very generic. Not addressed to my "H" or anything like that. It basically said to take this time to remember your good memories, accomplishments, etc. That he was a good guy and deserved it. I didn't write that, it was pre-printed. I signed it love always W.
He texted our D a thank you later and asked her to tell S the same. Found out later from S after a commercial came on TV about a local tattoo show that was where H had gone.
Debating whether I will go to MIL for Thanksgiving now unless I can get a better handle on my interaction with H. I'll mull this over more tonight.
Hope everyone has a great holiday filled with family, friends and great memories!

Journaling and a few questions I guess...
Thanksgiving was good. Decided to go to MILs house. Son was already there and daughter of course wanted to go hang out with everyone. H was there already when we got there although he had said he would be working late. We exchanged greetings and then I proceeded to go about my business. Helped MIL with food preparations, watched a little football with FIL, and caught up with nephew and SIL.

Was relaxing by myself on one of the living room couches after food clean up when H came in and laid down on the opposite couch. Wanted to know if I was staying over (MILs house is a good hour from our house) I told him I wasn't sure and he wanted to know why not? He asked if I was mad at him and I said no, not at all, I'm just not sure what I was going to do, if his sister and I were going shopping the next moring, etc.. Little chit chat back and forth. MIL set up an aerobed for me in another room and said it was getting late, I should stay. Laid in bed watching a little TV when H decided to join me. We ML and I commented to him that was never an issue with us. He agreed. Fell asleep until H had to leave for work the next day.

Got unexpected phone call from H the next morning as the kids and I were out shopping. He wanted to know what the plans for that evening were. MIL had invited me to a local casino as she was picking up her sister that afternoon and would be staying there for the weekend. I told him I had planned on meeting his mother there but if he wanted to come too I'm sure that would be fine. Our D could watch our S at his mother's house while we were out. To my surprise, he agreed.

Ended up having dinner at the casino with his mom and aunt. Gambled a bit then returned to his mother's house. He asked me to stay the night again so I did. H left for work the next morning and I returned home with the kids. I did speak to him on the phone that afternoon but have not spoken to him since then (saturday afternoon)

Here's where my heart and head are having difficulty reconciling...what has been other peoples experience in terms of ML with spouse when they're separated? I know for me, I of course feel closer to my H when we do. I'm of the opinion that as this was something important to him when he was at home if the opportunity presents itself I should take it.I believe it keeps him connected to me on some level that persists long after we're apart.
We had a little bit of R talk on Friday night. Maybe more than I should but I've been curious if he feels the way I do at all. When I see him (usually) I still think how handsome he is and can't help but think of him and I together. He said he thinks the same thing when he sees me and he misses it. I just said "I do too" and left it at that. I don't feel exceptionally sad or upset after these times together. I actually feel a little better like the connection is still there. Is that weird?
We haven't spoken to each other since then which isn't unusual but it's frustrating sometimes.
Keeping my expectations low. Focusing on the kids and everything they have going on and making plans with my friends for the weekend.
How is everyone else doing??

I know how that feels! My kids are actually adults, legally if not always emotionally : ) but I was having difficulties with younger one getting his classes registered and student loan apps, etc. H felt I was being over-dramatic. Easy for him, living 10 miles away and having no day-to-day interaction or responsibility, just showing up to do fun things.

I've chosen to take the high road by being the best mom I can be and staying out of their relationship with H. Your sitch is a bit different because yours are younger.

Thanks for the support labug.
I'll stick with this post going forward.

I had posted another thread asking if I should remind my H about our S parent teacher conference today. I think I am going to take labug's advice and not remind him. If he texts me asking for the time, etc. of course I will but I'm not going to do what I normally would.

He is supposed to be staying at our house this weekend in order to take care of our S, the dogs, etc. Our D has a competition in Las Vegas this weekend.
Nervous to see what happens. The last time he stayed while we were gone I came home to find our S bedroom halfway painted. He was supposed to come back and finish it but never did.

My S also mentioned that he had been talking about taking S to my MIL house on Sunday so he could stay there all next week. Upset me a little bit as this wasn't discussed with me. I don't come home until Monday and have not made plans for anyone else to feed our animals, let them in/out etc. Also, I do not want our 17yo D to stay alone at the house while I work next week. We have had some issues with her boyfriend in the past which my H knows about.

Definitely looking forward to getting away though.

One other curious event to run by everyone...
My birthday was last Sat. H came over on Th night and took the kids to get me a gift. They gave it to me Sat. morning along with their cards. I didn't expect one from H as I have not gotten one from him since he left. After I opened them though my D said "oh, dad said he'd give you your card later" I said what card? She said "he said he already bought you a card and will give it to you when he sees you" Now I know darn well there's no card but what't the point of telling the kids there is?
The craziness continues. I'm doing my best to keep on my path and become the best me I can.

WOW, surprised I was able to remember my log in information. It's been a long time since I've been on this board and so much has happened.
My H is still not living at home. I found out recently (on our 19th anniversary no less) that he is no longer living at his mother's either.
Unless he is hiding $$, which I don't think he is. He has found someone that is supporting him. My guess is it definitely isn't a man.
I think I may have made a big mistake recently and I'm not sure what to do. Any input will be much appreciated.
Since I found out he was not living at his mother's my thoughs have been "this is it, he's made up his mind, he's not coming home." I have asked him on several occasions that if this is the case we need to tell our children we are divorcing. (he filed in March of 2011). He said he would, but didn't know when, that it was hard for him, etc.
Via some texts late last week having to do with our refigerator at home dying I suggested he might want to tell the kids on Sat. when he came over to purchase a new one. He came over and said he was prepared to speak to them and told them we were divorcing.
I'm not sure now I did the right thing. I DON'T want to be divorced but know I can't stop it if he does. His actions indicate he wants nothing but a divorce (the moving in with a woman, etc.)
How should I proceed now? I have started packing the things he left behind and putting them in the garage.
We had been getting along well before, even ML when we had the opportunity. On a few weekends he would even decide to stay over rather than take our son to his mother's for the weekend.
Sorry to ramble. I'm just confused. I know my actions in regards to speaking to our children go against what I want to have happen. I guess I just felt with the new information I had received it was like "what's the point". I need to keep in mind all the stories I read here that have seemed so further gone but have been salvaged. Any feedback will be much appreciated.

Just journaling I guess. I have not received much feedback to my situation.
Next court appointment on 9/18. H has informed me he will be out of town working the month of Sept. He has no representation, I do. H has been very slow to fil out any type of paperwork. I was served 4/11, first court appt 9/11 where we were given 6 more mos. to get information together. I have responded to what information my atty. has requested, H has not. Last court date in March led him to be reprimanded by the judge saying get your updated expense declaration filled out within 6 weeks or I'm fining you. He filled out the form (incompletely) and filed it the day before it was due.
The children have been told and he has removed more of the items I have packed up. I still do not want this but don't know what to do.
After speaking to my atty she indicates she will appear next month and either 1. say we are working on a settlement, knowing that the judge may give her 60 days to get that done 2. ask for a dismissal 3. ask for 6 more months. Atty says we will be pushed in direction of divorce either by judge ordering mandatory settlement conference or straight to trial as this has been going on nearly 2 years.
H says he will get an atty. but recently purchased a refrigerator for my home which he says used the $$ he was saving in case he needed an atty.
I'm torn, I know he is living with someone else and have read from others here that there is really nothing to be gained until that person is out of the picture.
The relationship whatever it is seems so odd to me... he is with my son at his mothers house every weekend, he spends every holiday with us at his mothers house. Mother's day and Father's day he initiated staying at our home the evening prior. He randomly showed up at our home yesterday and ended up staying from 3:30 - 8:00, eating dinner, hanging out with the kids, talking to me about his job, etc. It just feels like he's not very invested in this "new" relationship but I know that's just mind reading. I think it's convenient to him. He is giving me the majority of his check every 2 weeks only keeping mabye $200 for himself from each so my assumtion is he is completely supported by her.
Aside from all of this, I am continuting to GAL. I have kept working out. Purchasing time from different gyms/activites through Gropuon, etc. in the hopes of meeting new people. I continue my IC and continue to have a relationship with my in-laws that does not include talking about my situation with my H. I frequently go to movies, dinners, etc. with friends.
My IC feels my H has to see this divorce through for some reason. He has in fact referenced the fact that he doesn't know what's going to happen and we will see what happens "down the line".
Sorry to ramble, just wanted to see what everyone thought. Should I just make this as easy as possible right now knowing this is probably inevitable anyway? Try and maintain as friendly a relationship as I can while not letting him take advantage of me with the specifics of the divorce? He's saying now he will give me whatever I want. He just feels so desperate to by OUT.
Thanks for any insight you may have. I am truly lost. I thought I was doing better when this was still kind of "out there" in the future. It seems to be picking up speed coming much faster. I just don't know if making things more difficult will help me in my ultimate goal...my family and (better) marriage intact.

Hi FII

I don't have kids and as a result have no insight with regards to a family situation, but it sounds like you have been motoring along as best you can and are at a critical crossroads and need some precise and hard hitting advice.

It sounds like your H has checked out.
You are GAL, which is good.

In my limited perspective I would say that if this is the path your H insists on taking, then so be it. Make absolutely certain that your and your children's financial needs are taken care of. Do not deviate from this. It is job #1.

Give absolutely no credence to his remarks about not knowing what will happen "down the line". It's BS, potentially to try and appease you so you will give him what he wants. He knows exactly what will happen down the line. His position/perspective/expectations might change in the future, but for today, he knows.

I would not try to maintain a friendly relationship with him. A cordial one, yes, but a friendly one, no. He is an acquaintance, a business partner, that's it that's all. You care about him in so far as he's your childrens' father but that is it. He is not your friend right now and needs to understand this.

The vets probably would have some good advice for you so I wanted to bump your thread.

Thanks GW,
So we are set to meet tomorrow to begin our "settlement" negotiations after he gets off of work.
He appears so desperate to get out that he is willing to give me anything/everything. And at this point I'm inclined to take it.

I am I think going to push for some type of "morality clause" not allowing our one minor child access to the home he currently shares with ??? We only told our kids 3 weeks ago that we're divorcing after him being out almost 2 years. At this point they both believe he still lives with his mother. I question my wanting to protect them to just allowing them access to what is actually happening. Part of me is still trying to not let them see my H in a bad light. Crazy considering everything he has done.
I am slowly coming to the point where I know I will be divorced. I have struggled so hard against this. Made mistakes with bargaining and begging in the beginning. Read DR, Love Languages, Co-Dependent No More. Followed the 37 rules...and it's still happening. I know there was never a guarantee but I wanted so badly to avoid this outcome.
I somtimes wish this were more acrimonious. That I knew without any doubt he was sure and truly done with our marriage. But then he'll say something in regards to what he wants to do to fix up "our" house or speaks of things happening in the future and I have this slight hope. He is living with someone but hiding her, why. If he is so much happier why hide it?? Why drag this out for 2 years while still spending every holiday together as a family? Ugg, it's maddening and I know there's no answer. It just "is" and I will deal with that.
So I guess the settlement and what appears to be the inevitable outcome are finally upon me. I will protect my children and myself. I will close the door as they say but not lock it.
Thank you to those that have replied. I have been here forever but have not participated very much. I think that has set me back an not allowed me to move forward as much as I should/could have. One of my goals is to become more active on the boards. I have received much help over these past 2 years.

Journaling...struggling these past few weeks. For some reason the tears have seemed to be right "there" as of late. I know I need to do a better job of GAL. Between work, H being out of town for work the past couple of weeks, kids starting school, etc. I can barely find time to sleep!

I get so much help just reading what others are going through. When I sit down to write it seems just a jumble in my head. I love reading what others post and thinking "EXACTLY!!! That's exactly what I feel". I wish I were better at translating what's in my head to my posts.

Settlement negotiations went OK. I e-mailed my A what we came up with. H agreed to help get our S to and from baselball practice a few times a week and then promptly went out of town. Wants to sit down again with all of OUR bills to see what I need to "get by". He feels if he continues to contribute what he has been he will have no $$ to do "fun things" with the kids. Wish I had that luxury. We honestly can not afford this D (who can I guess) so EVERYONE is going to have to sacrifice.
H either has some separate source of income or is soley being supported by GF/OW (don't even know what to call her because he still won't cop to it).

Some days I wonder what would happen if I just threw up my hands and said I needed "out". What having no real responsibilities other than work would feel like. What he would do if I did/had. I never would of course. My children need me too much and I honestly love being their mom. Despite all of this they are growing into wonderful people. That's part of the "gift" in this I guess. We have gotten so much closer and I have become much more in tune to their emotions.

Just came here to vent today I guess. Thank you all again. I take from here much more than I give. Need to work harder on turning that around.