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I'm so glad you were able to have this conversation. I am envious. I hope that you can continue down this path. And follow the advice above, because I think I chased mine back into the hole when I got excited 2 weeks ago.

ABSOLUTELY AWESOME LA! Very good!! I think that this is a HUGE first step!!

Have you read the 5LL"s? You may have said before, but I forget?

If not, there is a chapter, and I forget which it is that contains a story of a therapist who advises a wife to spend a number of months just loving her husband. To see if her actions would cause him to eventually reciprocate. If I recall correctly, she did it and it worked. I highly suggest that you look at that chapter.

Spend the next 3 months just loving your H. Providing him with as much of his LL as possible. Look past his shortcomings during this time. Continue to be open and honest with him. Maybe the two of you can learn how to be friends and love one another again.

I definitely see hope here.

Denver

I meant to add... "Be the change that you want to see"

One of my favorite mantras during my situation.

Chapter 12, "Loving the Unlovely". The woman was convinced she could never love her husband again, but her religious convictions were keeping her from walking. She was advised to love her husband for 6 months, it was inspired by the following quote from Jesus about loving those who don't love you:



Chapman told her to fill her husband's love tank through his primary love language, but to not expect reciprocation until much later. This meant she's have to initiate love-making (her husband's PLL was physical touch) which she did not want to do at all because she didn't "love" him. But Chapman explained that feelings of love and showing love are two different things, and the idea of 5LL is to show love and the feelings will follow. And sure enough, after a few months her husband started reciprocating in a big way and their marriage completely reversed course and they fell madly in love again. Great story!

YES! THAT one ^^^!

Thanks Stander

Thanks for the love today guys.

One thing I'm learning about my H is that what he says at night during our intimate moments may not have much to bear on what happens the next day.

Not that I'm expecting much, and maybe I'm getting impatient, but this morning things were no different with H. He didn't want to be touched at goodbye time. He doesn't want to do a family outing on Saturday now, even though he said he would last night.

To make matters worse a parent at the school today told me to "be careful" around this neighbor - the one who has all the parties. I don't suspect anything between her and H but I know better than to trust her. She is definitely not my friend. One day I will need to tell H how I feel about their R but not just yet.

I like your advice, Denver, to just love him, because that's all I think I can do right now. Have not read 5 LL but will order the kindle copy today... I know I've made some progress but why does he revert the next day? It's like a spell that wears off and it frustrates me...

I admit that I have not read all of your posts. Have you talked about this before? Can you elaborate on this R between this woman and your H?



Yes, definitely read the 5LL's. Start with chapter 12 and then go back and read from the beginning. I think that you can get a lot out of it... especially chapter 12.

Why does he revert? Because he has been deeply hurt and it is going to take a LONG time for him to even consider being in a place where he can forgive you. Wounds do not heal easily... and even when they do, many become scars.

Remember, it took a long time to get to where you are. It is going to take a long time to fix it. You need to understand that this is going to take time... and that you are going to have to exercise patience.

Consistent change over a long period of time = change that your H can trust.

Hey LA,

I didn't like the neighbor scenario when you wrote about it after the last party. But then again, I'm ultra suspicious and was putting myself in your shoes and how I would react. So, keep your guard up but don't go over board.

I've been reading the 5LL and making notes on things I can do that I think my H will respond to, but haven't gotten to chapter 12. I may have to skip ahead. Reading 5LL brought tears to my eyes earlier today because I recognized how empty my love bank really is.

My H is all over the board as well. He's starting to become my grumpy old man. My H is reverting as well. All I can think of is mistrust that we will go back to our old ways and they are being cautious not to let us too far in.

The Story of the Neighbor
by RegretfulLA

We've known this neighbor ("N"), for 3 years. Met them when S8 started kindergarten. They weren't neighbors then. We became friends with them as a couple; H really liked the husband a lot.

The wife is a piece of work. She comes off as very put together, very with it, very calm, very organized, and I would say she actually is that way. She is also tall, skinny and beautiful - a former model, looks an awful lot like Jennifer Garner. To look at her, you'd think she was a snob.

I never had a problem with this woman. She's known around school as a busybody; the kind of person who knows everyone's business and pretends to be everyone's friend. The kind of person who has done all the research on everything. The kind of person who is so involved in making a good impression that she makes a little "living room" at our school's annual campout and hosts other people with cocktails and cheese and whatever. The kind of person who I think puts on a pretty good front but who is actually insecure inside.

We live 2 doors down from her now. The woman who lived in our house before us died and N alerted us to the property. We have a great big yard, unusual for LA, but the home was in dire need of extensive remodeling and repairs. N managed to convince H to buy this home. What a wonderful project it would be. How great it would be for the kids to have a yard and a park across the street. How great the neighborhood is. Blah blah blah. Not to mention the 6 figure debt we incurred doing it. True, it is a grand home, but it was a big stretch for us and it probably contributed a lot to our current situation.

Over the past year, N has also convinced H of a couple other things... to have a party here before we'd moved in, making it incredibly difficult on me.... and has given decorating ideas that H thinks we must do. I think she probably means well, and she does have very good taste, but H thinks she hangs the moon, so N's opinion usually trumps mine.

Have we been invited over there as a family? No. Have we invited them over? Yes. Has she reached out to me AT ALL during this crisis? No. Has she reached out to H? Yes. When one of her kids was sick and the other stayed at school, did she text me to bring the other kid home? No. She texted H, even though I pick the kids up now. She has been obviously disingenous to me about this whole thing, and rude to my mother to boot!

The other women at school see through her too... it's not that she's disliked, it's that she's not genuine and so she has to have parties and things to get "friends." It's kind of gross. She's friendly, but it's obvious she's not coming from much of a real or caring place. She had somewhat of a troubled childhood as far as I know, so I don't hold it against her. But it bothers me that H thinks she's so wonderful. And she does throw a nice party...

So when I got "warned" today to "be careful" around her, it was no surprise. Not sure what that meant really, but I think it means not to trust her.

My H is the same way sometimes. It is very irritating and causes jealousy. And when you are going through what you are going through, it can make you pretty insecure. I think that is a reason why I am so insecure now. Having H put other womens' opinions above mine. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know.