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Hi dbmod. Thanks for the support.

I grew up in a household that was very passive aggressive at times. I learned from some of the best so to speak. When I had kids I promised myself I would not raise them the way I was raised and in that I have succeeded. I failed to realize that I needed to also be a good husband. I fell back on what I knew. When my wife told me she wanted to separate it was the why that killed me. In my head it sounded like it was me talking to my parents about how I was upset with them. It was quite an awakening. Upon hearing that it was easy to change. I do not want to be something that I despise. And the 20 changes are fine as it provides me with comfort and focus to read them. I need all of them. The main thing is that I change my attitude towards my wife and that has been done. Go from negative to positive, from no to yes. Now she just has to see that it is permanent. And it is. As far as the business goes we constantly analyze what we do. What works we keep doing. What does not make money we stop doing. I am in retail by the way. DB and my phone counseling have helped to bring that same focus to my marriage. Besides the fact that I am still fearing a separation this is the happiest I have been in a long time with myself. These changed have been great for me. I decided to do the dancing because I am introverted and I need to get out of my comfort zone and it is something I know my wife, when she is ready, will enjoy doing with me. I had a lot of fun at my first lesson which was unexpected.

The main problem right now is the communication. I think deep down she is happy about the changes I have made but the feedback I am getting is still negative. I guess I just have to be patient and wait for her to leave her "script" and be willing to engage in real two way communication. Right now it is one sided and I understand that is the process.

Thanks again for the support.

That is why the changes are for you!

If you are happy with them that is all that counts.

When she changes again then she will need to catch up with your changes and embrace them.
That is not now but way down the road.

TRUST the PROCESS.

Thanks Cadet. I am trusting this. I was very lost until I found DB. Before DB I was a following my wife around like a puppy. I was losing my mind. DB gave me my self worth back, some peace of mind and a light at the end of the tunnel. Patience is the key for me now. The interesting thing is that minus the issues with my wife I can not remember being happier. These are changes I needed to make. It is the dread that it might not be enough to save my marriage that is scary. Besides that I feel like I am creating a new life for myself. Hopefully my wife will want to be part of it.

Thanks again for the support.

Interesting.

Yesterday was the student orientation and my wife had an EA with another father in my son's class. She was very nervous about going as apparently this guy is a player and his wife found out about my wife and a few other indiscretions. She apologized to me before we went for putting me through this (meaning the EA and it coming out). I supported her throughout the night. Thought it was a good moment to show that we could be together.

Today I had a pool table delivered as my wife loves pool and I know it is something I can easily get her to do with me. After the table was delivered I told her I was going to lunch (at her favorite restaurant) and asked her if she wanted to go. She did. Could have cut the tension with a knife. I remained happy and paid attention to her. She would not look at me and looked like she was going to cry. She asked me again about my phone counseling. I have a psychiatrist that I speak to on the phone every week and I have had two DB phone consultations. Both have been amazing. She told me that she has been to a local psychiatrist and they both do not understand how I can get help over the phone. That it did not make sense to either of them. I was hoping she was going to ask me to join her with her counselor but she did not so I told her I was really happy so far with my counseling. Really was not any conversation after that. Went home and played a couple games of pool together during which she seemed real sad then she left to do some errands.

Do I need to get a local psychiatrist? This is the second time she has brought it up. Hard to see how she is focusing on that of all things.

I must be reading the wrong version of DR. Where did it say to BUY your W a pool table and INVITE her to lunch?

You do know that that's pursuing and putting a lot of stress on her.

Hi Mr. Bond,

A made a few promises to my wife before I started DR. I do not want to go back on those - especially the pool table - as I know she wanted one.

I was told during my DB coaching to tell her if I was going to do something and ask her if she wanted to join. Also it would have been weird for me to just leave and go get lunch and not tell her. She went - which is good I guess.

In terms of the pool table, it seemed odd because she's leaving or wanting to leave. Seemed weird that you'd get her something that she couldn't take with her.

She wants to go to IC which is great. So don't push any MC for now. I would suggest an IC that's pro-marriage. Right now your W has a lot to clear out of her head.

She has not left yet and I promised her a pool table. Not sure how I would have explained backing out on that promise. Already we have played several games. My guess is we will play pool almost ever night. Most nights after the kids go to bed she goes online for the rest of the night.

I have not pushed the marriage counseling and your advice there is a good reminder not too. I was just a bit confused because she seems to be fixated on the fact that I am getting counseling by phone. It is really the only thing she has brought up lately and now her counselor apparently agrees with her that it can not be effective. If that is a big issue to her should I get a local counselor too?

When the two of you are playing, are you talking to each other? Are you playful, etc.?

In terms of the C, if the C you have for yourself works, there's no reason to change. Unless you want to go to MC alone, then I would see someone locally in case your W ever wants to join you.

When she is with me alone her mood can very greatly. Today she seems down. Very down. She is generally a very happy laid back person but she has been short with me today to say the least up until she left to do some errands, that includes playing pool, she seemed sad and withdrawn. Then she texts me just a half hour ago and seemed up beat in the texts. I think there may be some depression going on with her. However the pool table will give us something to do together some nights instead of her going her separate way. From my viewpoint it is hard to see it as a negative at this point.

My non-DB counselor is a marriage specialist. It is over the phone though and that seems to be an issue with my W for some reason.

Thanks for the advice Mr. Bond. Appreciate it greatly.