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Thanks labug. I think that is what I am going to do. There is a chance our friend may tell him I am going, but he might actually feel better knowing I am there with someone else and won't be clinging to him.

H went out for a motorcycle ride with the guys tonight. At first I was not real happy about it, but then I realized that I don't have to cook a big meal and can relax a little bit. This is an issue that would have caused me to blow up in the past because he is once again doing his own thing and not reciprocating to me, like I know the other guys on the ride do. When I talked to him about it earlier today, I told him that I really hoped he could go and have fun.

I'm noticing another dynamic. When he is out of town, he is a different person towards me. He was out of town during the day and when we talked today, he was very sweet and had a pleasant tone of voice.

I ran into him by accident at home this afternoon. Neither one of us usually goes home during the day. I forgot my socks and he had just come home from out of town. He avoided all eye contract with me. When I tried to confirm that he would be gone for dinner, his tone of voice was different. I'm not taking it personally as I know he had a 2 hour drive and was tired.

Just curious as to why the treatment doesn't carry over. It did for one day after he was gone for 4. I still think some of it is fear that I am going to go crazy on him for something and he's waiting for it to happen. It hasn't since the beginning of June.

Small step this morning, when H stopped to kiss me good bye, he actually put his arm around my waist.

Last night when he got back, I asked him about how his ride was and where they ate, trying to show some interest. He told me and then got crappy and started saying that while he was out he was going to turn his phone off because everyone kept calling him and when he wanted me time, he wanted to be left alone. I listened until he was done and told him that I understood how frustrating that must be. Then I told him I was a little confused because I called him at 9:30 after he was back. He told me that our D was calling him, which he was indirectly blaming on me. I was unaware of that, and I told him that I had told her to leave him alone and that we needed to speak to her. I tried not to be defensive, but don't know if I am doing a good job.

I guess his friends were bugging him as well. Who knows. It wouldn't be the first time he took that crap out on me. He wasn't at the airport all night and I'm sure they were all calling to find out where he was.

I told him that if he would have let me know what the game plan was, I would have no need to call him at 9:30 (which is generally when we go to bed), and would appreciate him doing so in the future. Trying to make a request instead of saying "you didn't tell me what is going on".

Anyway, trying to keep my PMA. I'm feeling better now that I am getting some exercise in. I also realized that when I was younger, I was able to balance all of my activities in life when I was exercising. So, I'm hopeful that will start again. Right now I am leaving work early to fit it in.

I did get a little sad last night and cry. When H dropped the bomb, I told him it would have an adverse effect on D16, heightened by her disabilities. He brushed that off and said we'd make it fun for her(really?). When I was putting D to bed, I found a teddy bear in her closet. That bear is one of the last things I can remember my parents giving me before they divorced. And they divorced when I was about 23 or 24. So if that makes me sad 20 years later, I can't expect anything would be easier for my own D.

I'm going to the air show. My friend got the tickets and called H to let him know the event organizer would get our tickets to him. I never did mention this to him, so we'll see what happens. Since I am going with someone else, there will be less need for me to hang around him the whole time.

I feel like I am starting to detach a little bit. I am able to control my emotions more when H confronts me and not base my reations off of how he treats me. I am not crying after he unloads on me. I'm less worried about what he is doing. I'm still a little angry when he is insensitive or inconsiderate, but not as much as before.

I think reading Codependent No More is really helping. I read through the signs last night and it made me sick to see where I am. Yikes. I had no idea. I'm still doing a chapter a night and doing the activities at the end of each chapter. I also started my journaling again.

I did the 5LL online quiz and I am thinking about emailing the results to H and asking him if he would take the H's quiz. I will tell him that if he does, to email me the results, and if not, just drop the whole thing. I am hoping he will be curious about it at a minimum. I am thinking about what to say in the email, but it won't be R talk. It will be more along the lines of I am continuing to work on my solution oriented goals, and this has been a part of what I am doing.

My parents divorced 7 years ago and I still feel the effects from it. The holidays are the worst because I would rather be alone or with friends then be somewhere knowing that one parent is missing.



It helps to be aware of your own character defects. Continue working on yourself.



No expectations. I would suggest to work on his LLs and once you feel the R is secure clue him in on your LLs. You don't need to ask him to take the quiz. You've been married long enough to know his LLs. Read the book. It goes into more detail.

Thanks for stopping by, Vero. I started the book and am through 2 of the 5. I will keep reading. I know that my love bank doesn't get filled, and I don't think H really understands how.

I went to the Y again yesterday, but am not sure if I will make it today. I do have to work and I am taking D to lunch with some of her friends. Maybe I can go for a walk later.

H was late again for dinner. Very erractic there. After dinner, I asked him to show me the pics from his bike trip. He could not get them to load on his computer. He told me he was going to replace the hard drive next week. Each time he tried to load the pictures, he got madder and madder which culminated in him poking the hard drive door out of the computer.

I didn't really say anything while this was going on. What this shows me is the man is just angry at the world. It also helps me to realize that all of that anger is not about me.

It also reinforces why he won't go to MC. The last one, in his last marriage, told him he needed anger management. He will not face his faults, so doesn't want to go to any MC that is going to tell him what his issues are. What's sad is he went to MC with exW after 2 or 3 years of marriage, but I get nothing after 17.

The irony of the night is that after getting really mad at the computer, he tells me he is going to buy a mac book pro and doesn't care how much it costs. This is the same man who is making me fix a 10 year old dryer instead of getting a new one. Because all I do is throw out perfectly good things that can be fixed and love to spend thousands. I just wanted to bang my head against a wall.

I just rolled my eyes to myself and didn't say anything about that issue. I looked at some of them and asked him to check reviews before he did anything. He did not "listen" to me and started going on and on about he's getting one, I'm not changing his mind, windows stinks, etc, etc. I said, H, you are not listening to what I am saying to you. I am not saying don't get one, it's fine to get one if that is what you want. I remained calm and did not get baited into his angry firestorm.

After that we watched some music videos together and laughed a little bit at them together.

Any of you have an recommnedation on resources in dealing with anger in a spouse? He may also be depressed. I realize that I cannot fix any of this, and am not trying. I would like to look at some resources on how to cope with it.

I have this here somewhere, too bad you're don't live closer.

When Someone You Love Is Depressed

Thank you, labug. I will look for that book. I have depression, and have been treated on and off for over 10 years, and am currently on meds. However, H will not get treatment, and doesn't believe depression is really an illness. Even though I am being treated, I don't know how to deal with it coming from him.

I started a new thread yesterday:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...926#Post2282926