Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Dropping the rope, hope I'm doing the right thing.

SS,

That is so painful but you should be proud of yourself for making the difficult decision to stop the suffering and pursue happiness. I know how hard that is and your actions took tremendous courage. Its always easier to say you'll just give it one more day, but before you know it you have passed another year.

You are a great person and you don't deserve this torturous limbo. My MC recently explained to me that my W has the equivalent of a 20 foot emotional barrier where I am concerned. If I get inside it she pushes me away by being aloof and dismissive. If I keep encroaching she'll get sarcastic and hurtful. If I get too far beyond the barrier she will reach out and pull me back in. MC explained that I cannot establish equilibrium closer in, and that 20' is an uncomfortable distance for me -- I'd either like to be at 2 feet or 50' (or more).

It sounds like you're in a similar dynamic where when you try to get the intimacy you want H distances and when you retreat beyond his barrier he tries to pull you back.

In my experience trying to live on that fringe is unbearably painful so you are better off putting lots of distance between you. I think you're doing exactly the right thing -- enforce your own boundary line and make it a big one.

Accuray

I'm thinking of you. Praying for you and I that this phase of acceptance goes smoothly, no added stress.

thank you, vero. i need all the prayers i can get.

accuray, your opinion means so much to me. thank you for dropping in. it's really strange how i've now lost the anxiety and panic i had before i made this decision. i feel so determined and resolute. turning the corner like this, has given me something to look forward to instead of looking back or being afraid.

it's really amazing. what i'm also finding out is i'm really taking off the rose-colored glasses i was viewing my H through. i think about being with him in a M and i don't see it because a lot of my problems came from not being able to handle my frustrations and resentment over how he treated me.

DB'ing has taught me to really think about what i'm feeling and not to let anger push that feeling down and take over. i need to be able to express what i need and what i don't want. i don't think he would be able to take that since our marriage pretty much revolved around what made him happy and i was supposed to be there to support him (and his kids and his family).

the really funny thing is that now he seems to be more like i was: clinging and pursuing. i got a text from him last night after 9 pm. he invited me to go to a college football game in another city today and to spend time at the beach until next tuesday! he said we could go "and talk on a positive note."

he's never asked me to do anything since the BD!(and he's not respecting my request to not text or email me with anything personal anymore.) what i would have done for a text like this months ago. now i just fell empty.

i replied, "thank you. sorry, i already have plans and committments for the weekend."

he then texted: "i truely understand."

he's so nicey, nicey...just like i was when i was frantic and desperate. i almost feel sorry for him but his cruelty and game playing prevents me from really feeling for him.

he should get the letter from my attorney next week sometime. this should be interesting.

thanks so much to you all for your support. it means so much to me.

Yes, I'm sure he's feeling badly -- he wants you in his life but not too close. You're outside his comfort zone now so he's trying to get you back to the line. Just *know* that if you take him up on his offers and start to get close, you'll be tempted to push for a better relationship and when you do that, he'll pull back again and the cycle will repeat. I've witnessed this for myself over and over.

You will have the opportunity to reconnect with him in the future if you want, but it must get worse before it gets better. He has to see and believe that you are gone. That will reset the landscape for both of you. If you do come back together, you're going to do it from a place of strength with some new boundaries.

For now, stay your course. Get to the place where you really *do* have lots of plans. That feeling of relief you're experiencing will grow with continued separation. The more independent you feel, the better you'll feel. You'll still miss him I'm sure, but you'll find a new level of peace you haven't had in a while.

Accuray

oh my goodness SS. I can't believe he actually invited you on a "date." He really does see the sand running through his fingers. He is losing you as we speak and he knows it but can't take that definitive step towards R.

It must've been so hard to say no to him but at the same time it was very courageous of you to do so! Stay strong my friend. I will be keeping you in my prayers also!

actually, vera, it was very easy to say no to him about a date. firstly, it was such short notice that he must have thought i was still desperate to be with him or that i don't have anything better to do.

secondly, i don't want to be around him right now. he's had the position of strength since december and now i do and i'm losing respect for him, if that makes sense.

lastly, i really do have plans for the weekend. yesterday, i had promised to visit the grandkids and babysit while DIL did her grocery shopping (so much easier without the three younger ones) and today, i'm going to the beach with them and then have a cookout later. monday, DIL has to take a CPR course for her nursing license renewal so i'll be babysitting all morning again.

this is the first time since the BD that i will have a holiday weekend and not be totally depressed! i can hardly believe the difference! it's as if a light has been switched on!

accuray, thanks for your support. you're absolutely right. had i said yes, the "positive talk" he said he wanted to have, may not have happened at all or probably would have been more of the rehash of the past with him requiring more promises of how i would be "should" there be a future for us. not doing that anymore.

i will continue my course. as you said, when/if the "landscape" is reset for BOTH of us, and my position is stronger, maybe i'll think about a R. that R will be MUTUALLY satisfying and will include a life for ME, too.

i've done a lot of thinking and have written down so many of my thoughts. one of my writings is about what i need in a mate. before i will be with anyone again, i will measure them by that list. it's not a demanding list of requirements at all. it's mutual respect, acceptance of change and differences, sharing, appreciation, trust, maturity, communication.

i had gotten into the habit of neglecting my needs to nurture his. that led to resentment and where we are today. i didn't have boundaries. i've learned so much during this eight-month time. my life will be so much better. i am truly grateful.

this broke my heart. it's weird because it broke my heart but in the same sentence I was really proud of you that you said "seems cowardly" so happy that you didn't dwell on what others would have done in that sitch.

Honestly SS I feel like I've gotten to know you over the past few months. We're from the same part of the country and seriously, I don't care if you're 22 or 82 I still think any man would be lucky to spend time in your company. As soon as I read the title of your thread I thought yep you are doing the right thing...dropping the rope. Who knows what will happen in the future but it's going to start happening on your terms and that will make all the difference!

Everything Accuray said is spot on. My H did that still does that and it would suck me and all the while it never meant anything. I don't think ever in his life would he consider working on our M, but he likes to feel that I'm still close to him, that he can say he's a good person etc.

Just continue doing what you're doing. I'm glad you had a great time back home it certainly helps recharge your batteries being in a familiar setting.

big hugs!!!!

thanks for the vote of confidence, brit. i value your opinion, too. i think we're nearly in the same place; we're finally expecting someone to really value what we have to offer, what we've given and are willing to give.

at the same time, we're enjoying ourselves and our time alone. i would much rather be alone than to have to continue to "prove" to someone i'm worthy. if they can't see it, hell with them.

i think the future holds so much happiness for us because we won't settle and we won't be trying to make ourselves over to be what someone else wants us to be.

i know i expect to better for myself. i won't be stepped on and squished again. i won't be desperate again.

(((back to you)))

How many times did I feel alone when I was in a marriage? You sound really strong and I'm happy for you!

H continues to text me about some repairs he has to make at a condo we own. it's the same one he invited me to go to so i guess he's there now. his son lives in the same town.

i think we, as women, try so hard to be what our H's need. i see some on here so depressed at not measuring up to what their H's require. they accept the negative evaluations given by these H's. i did, too.

all i can say to them is this: accept responsibility for what you know you could have been better at. however, it's not your responsibility to make someone happy. don't let them blame their unhappiness on you.

little by little, like a slow errosion, they chip away at our self esteem, blaming us for not being everything they want, changing that definition whenever it suits them.

know you are good. know you are worthy of love and respect. know you are not to blame for their unhappiness.