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You're making progress Hopeful. You'll know when you've reached a little more detachment. You'll feel freer and H's stuff won't have such an impact on you. Do the swimming, fill your life with good things. H can choose whether or not he wants to be part of it. When you start to do these things for yourself, you're going to feel empowered, and he will have less power over you.

I've have thought about this a good bit. We never really talk about relationship issues, so it is somewhat difficult to really get a good picutre of this. Early on in my thread, I posted some of his complaints about me and I've tried to work on those. I've also worked with DB coach on what I was like when we met. I know that POW cannot/is not providing those things.

Since I really don't know a whole lot about her or what has gone on, I have spotty info on what she could be doing. But I am pretty sure that she shows interest in what he is doing, which I have been trying to do a better job of even if I disagree or am not interested. I've also been trying to encourage him and validate him by reflecting back when he mentions a difficult time. I am using a loving voice.

So why would he share pics of his Bahamas destination with her and not me? I don't know I told him I wanted to see pictures and he tells me he is supposed to get some emailed from someone on the trip. No mention of the fact that he already has some of the destination he could show me. I don't think I ever asked where in the Bahamas they went, so maybe I didn't do a good enough job of being interested there.

It is hard to be interested sometimes when I have to pull informaton from him. I know that he is going to a vintage motorcycle race next month, so I may try to talk about that.

Being flirty is a little bit difficult for me, but I am trying. I am also unable to truly play "victim" who needs his rescue. Honestly, I wasn't like that when we met and I think that was part of his attraction to me. Anytime I've tried to be helpless, I haven't gotten a response because he knows I'm capable. However, when we had the D talk, he told me he would give me money if I needed it, so I think that might be the only area.

Last night H came home 15 minutes late instead of 30. Not much talk at dinner, but he did try to talk it up with D16, which is out of the ordinary and I notice he does when things are a little rough with us. He did thank me for dinner and told me it was good.

After dinner, I watched my funny videos and sat at my computer audibly laughing. He just sat at his desk, no reaction. After that, he was organizing his iTunes and told me he was getting music ready for the ride next month and we made some small talk about that.

He stayed up about 45 minutes later than usual doing this, so I know he is thinking things through. He did let me kiss him on the head a few times when I walked by and did not pull away.

Only 2 negatives from him. One, we were talking about his iPhone and I asked him if he wanted me to change carriers when my contract expired and he told me that he didn't care what I did. Two, he had his music blasting and said something that I couldn't hear. So I asked him what he said and I couldn't hear him, and asked again what he said. He got nasty and told me he was talking to the dogs. I told him that he didn't need to get nasty with me, as I truly couldn't hear him.

He did say goodnight to me last night, but I said it first, which is the norm.

This am his back hurt and he is withdrawn. I am keeping my PMA and looking cheerful. He pretty much ran out the door, and said good bye and leaned back for a small peck on the cheek.

I'm sure he's mad at me for yesterday, but I hope that somewhere deep in him he is madder at himself for not being honest with me. I am hurt, but I am not letting it show through.

Despite my good start this morning, I now feel like an emotional wreck. I feel broken and sad. If I saw H right now, I think I would break down in tears.

I am not thinking about H and POW and whatever may be going on, if anything. I think today I feel like mourning the death of my M. I almost feel like giving up.

I think the breach of trust, after H has yelled at me for not trusting him over the years, and the dishonesty are what have gotten to me today. It's like a punch in the stomach.

Maybe this will be good for the letting go. I'm just afraid I will not be able to keep up the joyful experience around him.

Hang in there hopeful! I feel like I got thru the same thing some days....it just seems to weigh heavy on me sometimes. Try to do something for you, go work out, take a run or walk, have coffee with a friend, etc. You are strong, you are worthy!

Thank you, Breakdown. I had a meeting this am and one is a little bit, but that hasn't really kept my mind occupied. I do plan to go to the gym after the next meeting and walk on a treadmill.

I did cave and call H because I wanted to hear his voice. And some how that made me feel better. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was overwhlemed and trying to dig out of a hole, which is true.

I will try to stay strong. And somewhere inside, I know I am worth and am the real prize. I know that POW cannot hold a candle to me, I just have to get that person back and show her to H.

Hopeful,
Your M sounds like my M pre-bomb. You never know what to expect or what kind of mood he will be in. You have your preset routines - he gets home at a certain hour, you eat dinner as a family, you then each retreat to separate corners built wish you could be doing something together instead. It is tense all the time. The pain and loneliness can be astounding. It gets better at times, but nothing gets resolved and you can feel the slow slide downhill.

It was EXACTLY this type of situation at home that led me right into having an A when the opportunity presented itself. Because I felt like sh!t and this guy made me feel better about myself.

I'm not telling you to have an A, of course, but what I advise is to find things that boost your ego. You seem to be successful at work. Why not focus on that? I would also advise you to really be self protective at this point. The man is grinding you down. You might have to say, "H, I really want our M to work but we seem so disconnected right now. It's sad and frustrating for me. I sense that you would like to have more space, so I will give it to you. Please know that I am always available when you're ready to come together again."

And then go do your own thing and feel good about it. Really feel good about it and don't worry about what he thinks. You gotta detach a bit more so he will come back to you.

Thanks, LA. That is very helpful. That has been our routine for years unfortunately. We retreat to our computers, or I would read, watch TV or do a crossword while he is at his computer. Every so often, we will watch tv together. For the most part, it didn't bother me because we were her together and I could talk to him.

The more upsetting part of what happens is that he leaves at about 7 am on Sat and Sun and retreats to his man cave at the airport, and doesn't return until dinner. I do try to go out there when I can, but I really haven't lately.

I've thought more about what POW could be doing that I'm not, and I get conflicted between that and giving him space. I feel like maybe I've given him too much space over the years and haven't shown interest in him or his stuff because I was always too busy with work, activities or our D. And maybe he feels like I've abandonded him which has caused him to more easily develop this friendship.

I know I need to detach more. Today was bad in the feeling clingy and needy department. Maybe it was all of the rain coupled with the reality of our discussion yesterday. I did go to the Y and walked on a treadmill for 30 minutes. I felt better doing that, and feel a little better than I did this am, but not as good as I should be feeling.

I think I was so excited about what happened when he was on that motorcycle ride and how he treated me when he came home. It was like old times. I thought we were at a turning point. And then the crap with this woman came up Tuesday which gave him a reason to call her. That's why I told him it was a bad nightmare that wouldn't go away. And it was a buzz kill.

I don't think my emotions today are because of him or his withdrawing behavior. I think it is soley on me. And maybe it is my one last climb up the mountain before I cliff dive into detachment.

I have no interest in any other man at this point, or finding one. But I am concerned about how I would feel if one showed me attention. I am so reserved and unapproachable, that won't happen right now. However, I have had a ex send me a message wanting to know if I was still married. Good thing he's in NJ.

I was able to salvage my happy face and sort of a PMA this evening, albeit a little subdued.

H actually came home on time tonight. But with another reality check for him. He fell through a ceiling at work and was luckily able to catch himself on the beams before he fell to the floor below. His leg is scraped up and he is hurting. I told him that I was very thankful that he wasn't seriously injured and asked how it happened.

A little bit of small talk at dinner and talk with D, but that is about it. He actually came back to the table while D was finishing eating, which is out of the ordinary. H usually gets up when he is done and goes out to the computer. I told him about a rabbit I saw at the humane society today and how it came up to you when you approached the cage. He said "We're" not getting a rabbit. So, a little bit of together speak.

I didn't really talk to him much after dinner, as he was looking for a bag for the bike and I was looking for a swim suit. I did show him a picture of a haircut I am considering to see if he liked it and he said yes. That is a positive as well because he could have said I don't care.

I read a chapter in CoDependent No More and will try to read 1 chapter per night. I think it is going to be helpful to me. I can identify with the sitches presented.

I can really relate to your sitch. Like you, my H isn't being honest and like you I am hyper aware of details such as what time he gets home and what he's doing.

From reading your posts, I sense that you might make more progress long-term by emphasising detachment and GAL as opposed to initiating contact with him and being loving. Your plans for the Y and zipwire etc sound great. You want him to see that you're having a great life and that you're not too fussed about whether he's part of it or not. It sounds as if you're doing a lot of the work in terms of taking an interest in your H and being warm. Do you find that you initiate many of the convos?

I can understand you wanting to show him that you care but it may feel to your H as if you're overly focused on him and pursuing him.

As I said, I can relate to your sitch. I also have a child with special needs. It's helpful for me to read your posts and I look forward to following your progress.

Thanks Wendy, I've read some of your posts as well.

The fact that he's been 30 minutes late hasn't played into my suspicions about what is going on because I know where he is and he knows I could appear there at any moment. It is more about him being a rude a$$ because he set the dinner time. So, I've continued to cook for that time, and if he's not there, he can eat it cold.

We both initiate convos, but lately, I've been trying to not say a whole lot, so he has been initiate more or it's been pretty quiet. Why am I trying to show an interest? Because I said something recently about one of his hobbies to which he replied "you're not interested in that and you have nothing in common with me or any guy that does this." Us having nothing in common is a MAJOR complaint of his. I think my showing interest has been to pay attention when he is talking and ask questions about what he is talking about rather than chasing him around to start convos.

Detachment has been the hardest thing for me. I did a better job at it in the beginning when I used some LRT, but our D was out of town and it was easier to do. It is also hard because stupid me has spent the last 17 years builing a career, being a mom, and being Cinderella around the house. That didn't leave a whole lot of time for making friends. I do have friends, but none that I've gone out with other than lunch, etc. I am working on that with some of my D's friends' moms.

The funny thing about this whole sitch is that when we talked about it after the bomb, he wanted everything with the relationship to continue but wanted me to live outside of the house. Maybe I should pitch a tent out back?

When I think about the beginning of our M, it was the 2 of us and no one else. I moved here from NJ to be with him and we moved to another town so I could finish school. I totally relied on him for friendship and companionship. After his mom died, we moved back to his hometown where he had tons of friends and I had none. I was finishing law school and was used to having friends in school with me. Most of his friends at that time had GFs or Ws that I could not relate to.

My life went from being school girl to wife to mom literally in the course of 12 months. But, I am trying to remedy all of that. At this point, the D word hasn't come up in over 7 weeks. And I've been making myself pretty scarce so that there is less of a chance that it will.