Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife in MLC? I'm seeking support / guidance

Yesterday while grocery shopping together, my wife tells me her coworker/friend J is such a mess, and hearing about it makes her happy because then her life doesn't seem so bad.

J (a gay male in his late 40's who just ended an affair with a 20 year old boy) and her get along good and sometimes do lunches together. He tells her and everybody else the details of his relationships. I wonder if he's going through a MLC himself.

Wife won't tell him much about our situation, because he's a blabber mouth and she doesn't want it known across the office. She's already calculated which friends she might lose, and which supervisors would hold it against her if they learned she wanted to bail on me. Always wears her ring to work to keep up the illusion, even though she doesn't always wear it other places.

She talks about J often though, and even told me back in April that he knows her better than I do. I've been working on that.

You know FY, as I read your posts, it seems to me that your w is not too far gone. Checked out certainly, but the part about being more engaged in the housework and not working out as much, seems positive to me. Those aren't the actions of a person in flight or fight mode per se. Those are the actions of somebody working through some issues.

Stay positive and hang in there. Keep up with the coaches. They can be very helpful!

AJ

Hi FY,

I'm just catching up on your sitch. My W has been going through what I think is MLC for about 2 1/2 years now. Don't take me wrong, we've had one good year in all of that when I thought we were out of the woods, but since then, she's left me and is now seeing OM.

I also sometimes feel like you do but the thing is, if you take that time to work on yourself, you're not in limbo. In a way, you are moving on with your life, but just doing it alone. Let's face it, if you have been with her for 33 years, you can use some time on your own to figure yourself out. Do some introspection, figure out who you are now and see if it's really who you want to be. Your wife's given you a few pointer about what she doesn't like about you. I'm sure that if you listen to her carefully, you'll get more things from her. Become the best man you can be, and do it for yourself (mind you, I also realise that we are all here to save our marriage and that it's always the first reason we do things). Changes that last aren't going to happen overnight. Take that time for yourself and maybe, just maybe it will save your marriage as well. What it will do for sure is make sure you don't "waste" the next few years of your life.

Cheers mate!

I came across AmyC's thread a while ago and I copied this in my note book. On low days (which still occur 3 to 4 times a week) I read it to remind myself why I'm standing for my marriage.

Thanks AJ. Your comment helps confirm what I've been feeling; that at least for now, I just need to stay on my present course. I can't imagine she's leaving or filing for D any time soon, and at least for now, there is no OM.

Our house is very comfortable, we're not fighting, and I do half of the cooking and chores. I'm working on improving myself and giving her all the freedom and space she needs. I'm not pressuring her, and continue to improve at not pursuing. Her moving out would be very uncomfortable for her, and I'm not going anywhere.

For her part she has been journaling her cute little butt off, (or writing to her new lover, <lol> I don't snoop) and seems to be working out her issues and showing less signs of depression. I know this could just be part of the roller coaster ride, so I will refrain from doing any snoopy dances for at least another 50 years. If I can still do it at 100 years old, then I will!

She is still very dissatisfied with her life, and by extension me. Hopefully she will "fall in love" with the new me, but I know it will take time, and she has to learn to love herself first.

Thanks for your input arsene, you make a great point here. I need to continue to teach myself to not think of this period as limbo. We only have so many days to live, we need to cherish and enjoy each one.

That was my favorite point in that post too. Very inspirational, and definitely encourages me to continue on. Still, I don't intend to take it to my grave, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean mate. In my case, I've got a young daughter (D8) who is hurting a lot right now and who misses her family very much so it's an extra incentive to stick with W for a while longer. I've told myself that I'd give it a fair 2 years and see how things evolve from there.

In the next two years, I'm working on myself and focusing on my D8. There are things which I plan on doing and which would/could take a long as 2 years anyway so that's where I am now. Without my D8? I'm not sure if I would do this. I'd like to think that I would but I really don't know honestly.

I guess we'll know when we've had it and it's time to move on. We won't need to ask the question.

Finally made it through all of your posts and cant say enough how much I admire our strength, determination and passion through all of this. I learn a lot from you and from those that are helping you.

I know our situations are different, but you have been a huge aide to me especially as I try to get my sea legs in the early stages here.

I am not vet and no expert but I agree with Arsene that your wife does not seem checked out -- perhaps even less than mine at this point and I admire how much energy you are putting into changing yourself and remain patient. It is inspirational.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and I look forward to the tremendous progress you continue to make on you.

Thanks for the kind words Williams, I am doing my best. It's great to hear that others notice and can draw inspiration from it.