Sounds like things are going well with your H. I'd love to know what your code words are - I think I could implement that with my H around here.
You mentioned having no conflicts, but without the code words, you may have had some or at least some misunderstandings, so I'd say you two have come up with some very effective communication tools. And those tools help avoid conflict in a positive way!
Does that make sense to anyone?
And regarding the changes you want to make in yourself - I have lost 30# over the last year, only partly due to my H leaving.
But I have taken full advantage of it and I feel better (physically and mentally) about myself - better than I have in a long time. I bought all new lingerie, buy clothes that cling, wear v-necklines, wear a soft musky scent (that my H bought me for Christmas), etc.
I bought a leather skirt and I have never owned leather. I showed it to my H and said it was for a night out with him. Of course I haven't worn it yet - LOL!
I also got my hair highlighted and cut into a shorter sassy 'do. It's still long which H likes, but I can't pull it up into a pony tail when I am lazy. I make a point of wearing more than mascara most days - usually lipstick too.
So do it for yourself and see how your H reacts. Nice side benefit - I am sure that is partly responsible for my H wanting all the time! LOL!
You are doing great. I read your thread with great interest because as I always say, I hope my H will come home sometime soon.
You give me great hope, support and guidance. Your visits to my thread mean a lot to me. Keep up the great DBing. You rock!
I may even join the BFL with you gals. I would like to lose another 10 pounds, but will be happy maintaining this weight for life too. I didn't diet, I just cut back across the board and exercised at least 2 times a week for an hour in the pool. And chocolate remains one of my main food groups
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Hi all! Thanks for checking in. Things are going fine, R-wise, feeling a little blue with all the snow days and the doom and gloom outside, but the snow is plowed and the sun is shining and that makes such a huge difference. Can deal with the cold, just need that sunshine.
Totite, Our words are (and I don't know why we started with this course, don't even like pb):
Peanutbutter---the other adult is starting to annoy you and it would be best to just drop the subject matter/conversation.
Jelly -- this is a kids' moment and we are doing it purely for their enjoyment.
Fluffernutter -- Call child services, I'm about to kill the kid/kids.
Also, about two weeks ago when I was struggling with H coming back and if this was just a replay of last year I read this in GBT. I have posted it on a few threads today and seemed wise to put it on my own to reread when I struggle again and the book is back at the library! Manisha had brought it up, too, that the WAS can also feel anxiety. Makes it easier when I remember that.
Jackie
This is directly from Getting Back Together, I don't want to screw it up by paraphrasing:
The Ups and Downs of Reconciliation:
3. Fear that the new realtionship will fail
Once burned, twice shy. Even though you love your partner and have been longing for the time you would be back together with him, deep down inside of you there may be something holding you back, something that keeps you from giving your all. You just don't think you could go through all that pain again or survive those long nights alone, and you're terrified of putting yourself in a position to be hurt.
Wanting to succeed yet wanting to protect yourself can create serious problems. On the one hand, it is natural to be afratid of something that has the potential to hurt you deeply. On the ohter, you have to commit to the R totally in order to make it work. Not committing allows you to say, "I knew it wouldn't work out; I was right to hold something back," but it also sabotages the very thing you want most---a successful reunion.
Remember that your partner is also feeling insecure right now. He probably feels the same anxiety that you do, or ever more, if he is the one who left. He may be thinking, "It's her turn now; when is she going to leave me?" Or he may feel that since he hurt you so badly, it's only a matter of time until you realize that he's not good enough for you. The key is not to let your negative feelings and fears overwhelm you and the new love you have.
Things seem to be going great! I am so happy for you. Sounds like you are piecing with your H as a team. You are both on the same side working on your M together!
Your H really loves you - can you see it - even beyond the ILYs? I can see it in your posts.
BTW: Great quote - I am glad that you posted it to Tony too!
Thanks Manisha. It sure makes it a lot easier when it is a team concept. We talked about the above reference, about his fears and anxieties and he does have them. He says that is why he periodically asks me if it is okay if he spends the night here (he's been here the last three weeks) just for a status check. He is doing the status check! What a change that is.
Met with his T on my own today. She is good, reiterated about getting a life and that we need to have our own lives and not just be a couple, but also a vibrant individual. And I need to speak up and tell H that I'm going to be doing something and not feel the guilt. Working on that one. And get this, she has also done workshops with Michele, recommends DB to people, yet 16 months ago when I was searching for a T, the bb wrote back that there was no SBT in the area. Wish I would have found her instead of the horrible person we went to. But, H is also in a different frame of mind than where he was last year.
He told me tonight that he couldn't believe he almost threw this all away and he is more in love with me now than he has been in many years. And I think of the words that came out of his mouth not so long ago.
He still isn't wearing his wedding ring, though. Should I use my new "speak my mind" and ask him about it or wait it out and see when he puts it back on?
Pure luck, a woman I know at karate has been through this for the past six years and gave me a bunch of therapists. She described this one as one that wouldn't coddle you, tells it like it is and if you are willing to work you would get through things quickly, not a long drawn out therapy. The T calls it brief therapy, solve the problem and then get on with life. Sounds like another term for SBT. I guess in hindsight calling Ts and asking their style would give a clue in how they tackle problems.
Quote: He told me tonight that he couldn't believe he almost threw this all away and he is more in love with me now than he has been in many years. And I think of the words that came out of his mouth not so long ago.
Wow. How tremendous is THAT???? What a wonderful thing to hear from h!
Quote: He still isn't wearing his wedding ring, though. Should I use my new "speak my mind" and ask him about it or wait it out and see when he puts it back on?
Jackie
I'd wait a bit....you guys have made such tremendous strides of late...give him a chance for it to be his idea.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Wow! Your H actually said that he loves you more than he has in years!
Give yourself time and work with the T so you can to get past the last year! I think it is great you are working on asking for something for you - you are finally getting to the implementation of other chapters of DR! IMHO, this is such an important part of building a new M!
One of the main problems I had in my M was that I could not let go of the D carpet bombing that The X pulled the last two years of our M. I am realizing that my and his resentment built on resentment. The X's anxiety and fears about the things he had done are what made him finally go through with the D. The more our M floundered - the more emeshed we became in each other's gunk and unhappiness. We were not able to disentangle sufficiently from each other to regain our perspective. My M didn't fail for lack of love or lack of desire to be together - we just really screwed up the piecing part - became emotionally exhausted, stuck and just gave up.
I agree with Sage about the ring. Let putting his ring back be your H's idea! He will do it - he has come such a long way - just continue to trust him.
all the time! LOL!
