Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers These Are Dark Days...

More Journaling... Had a day-tripfor business up to Orlando yesterday to attend a conference. The conference went very well, the speeches I wrote were extremely well received, and I made a few new connections.

Being in Orlando was a little saddening, knowing I was only a 15 minute drive away from W, but as she hasn't reached out in 3 weeks now, I knew there was absolutely no point in seeing her and explaining the situation... I kept reminding myself that even IF I had a talk with her, the end results would be the same as they are today: I'd ask her not to reach out to me as long as OM is in her life. Instead, I'm just not reaching out... Trying to let my actions speak for me... But I still have a nagging desire to reach out in some way.

Alk,

It was good you didn't act on that desire. Nothing good would have come from it. Best to vent your loneliness here, first.

Starsky

Thanks Starsky. Interestingly enough, not 5 minutes after I posted, I received an email from W! Here's the breakdown of said email:

She asked if it would be "possible" for her to push back the date when she'll be picking up her stuff by one week, to October 6th-7th.

Then she explained that the reason she's asking is she has an opportunity to pick up some temp work over the weekend she was originally going to come down. She explained that she's having a very hard time finding work and is having a shortage of money.

Then she told me a story about how her friend's SUV (which she's planning on taking down here to move with) was hit by a drunk driver and will be in the shop for a while. She asked me to get back to her if her change of weekends works for me.

Then she thanked me for paying her back earlier this week for the Vegas trip and explained that I have an airline voucher available (since we never actually took the trip) until next year, and I'd just have to let her know the details of my next trip so she can transfer it.

She ended with "I Hope that you and (Our Dog) and (Our Cat) are doing well and I hope the pup had a good first birthday. Take Care"

Now, since she asked a question in this email, I know I have to get back to her about it. I'm planning on waiting until tomorrow to respond (mostly so I can get the advice of this board, as since this is the only thing I've heard from her for three weeks, I know I need to make this communication count).

I WANT to respond by hitting every point she brought up in the email (as I usually do), expressing that the other weekend she proposes will be fine (as I don't have unalterable plans for the original weekend, and I can make plans to leave town the weekend she wants to come down... although she knows none of these things), telling her I understand how tough it must be to find work, telling her "You're Welcome" for the payback, letting her know that I'll get back to her on the voucher, and telling her that our dog and cat are doing well (aside from some skin allergies) and that our puppy had a great first birthday... in fact I even threw him a party...

But I'm not sure if that's the best way to go about it. I WANT to be my usual sweet self, show her I'm listening to the things she's saying, and give her a peek into the life she's missing out on.

But at the same time, I think this might be fulfilling the emotional hole that she may be feeling with me not in her life.

I want to respond in a thoughtful, caring way without pursuing. The last time we "spoke" she accused me of being a "d!ck" and although that's technically a 180 for me, it's not one that I want to portray! Strength, thoughtfulness, and a caring attitude is what i'm shooting for in this response, and I don't want to come off as cold or uncaring... This is a delicate balance I've got to strike here.

Thoughts?

I would wait until about 1am tonite, and then reply "Sorry, busy day. Yeah, that following weekend would be fine. You wouldn't be coming down until Saturday, right?

Just let me know -- thanks!"

Yep... Or even tomorrow morning at 9am.... If your asleep at that time....

I agree, but without the question mark.

"Sorry, busy day. Yeah, that following weekend would be fine. As long as you won't be coming down until Saturday. Let me know if you are planning on coming in earlier."

For me personally, I always found it more productive to put the ball in my W's court to keep the conversation going. When we were in these 'dark' periods, I tried to avoid asking any questions.

Minor point though.

Oh... I meant to ask why your W not coming down until Saturday matters. I presume that it does not and that Starsky through that in there to create a little mystery around what you are doing with your life. If that's the case, I LOVE IT.

Thanks for the advice guys! Denver, you're right, not coming down until Saturday doesn't really matter, except for the fact that if she's coming down Friday, then she'd want me out of the house on Friday as well... So adding a little intrigue into the statement seems like a good idea...

And no one thinks that response sounds too cold? I know she's used to me writing more lengthy responses and that by not doing that, i'm showing a different side... I just don't want to come off as flippant...

You DO want to come across as flippant. You are living your life, not concerned about what she is doing or thinking. THAT is where you should be. And if not, faking it until you get there. Do not concern yourself with what she is thinking right now, or how she will react to anything that you might say or do. It is not your responsibility.

She is used to you writing more lengthy responses. THAT is why you need to be doing the exact opposite. She needs to believe that you are moving on with your life... regardless if that is true right now or not.

Perfect Denver. Exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks!