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hopeful, it seems to me that you're wanting GAL activities with your H. it may help to focus on yourself and not yourself with H.

GAL for yourself and spend some money on yourself. you deserve to have things that you love and interest you, too.

by wanting to be with him, you are pursuing and it's pushing him away. let him see you as someone independent and happy WITHOUT him.

and if you can't think of some interest you can spend money on, go shopping for clothes and shoes! it always makes me feel better!

(((())))

Thanks, SS. I am trying to focus on me. Since part of H's problem with me is that I am not interested in his activities, I am trying to show some interest. But we also have the pursue/pushing away issue as well. I guess it is a delicate line to follow.

I am in the process of trying to find new clothes and shoes. The problem is becoming that he's spent so much, there is not a lot left for me.

I am in the middle of sending him an email with the dates that I will need him to take care of our D. I know of one date that will probably be a conflict, so we will see what happens.

Email was sent, we'll see what happens. There are some events that we would normally go to together and I told him that I would like it if he went but if he didn't want to, then I would go by myself or with a friend.

Today has been all over the board and I feel like leaving for the night.

H was running late for dinner and called to tell me where he was and that he would be home in a little bit. I thanked him and told him that I apprecaited his call.

He came home 30 minutes later. I sat with him at dinner and he lit into me about an invoice that I sent. Apparently I misunderstood what he wanted me to do. I apologized, told him I misunderstood what he said and that I would fix it. He kept going. I got up from the table and told him that I would not tolerate being spoken to in that manner and would come back when he was ready to talk to me in a decent tone.

I left, did something in the bedroom and then went to the kitchen. He then came in there and started in on me again, started calling me names, asking how I could be so stupid that I have a law degree but can't do simple math. I again told him I misunderstood what he told me and that I would fix the problem and I walked away.

I went to my desk to fix the issue and he started again and then asked why we keep having the same discussion. I stopped what I was doing and looked at him and said because you keep bringing it up. I told you that I would fix it and I've already apologized for misunderstanding what you wanted. I then told him that I would no longer tolerate being yelled at and spoken to in the manner he was using.

I then turned around and finished what I was doing. He then started in on he was going to find someone else to do the billing because he was tired of my making mistakes, blah blah blah.

I kept myself under control and did not argue.

I went to bed and was crying. He came in a few minutes later and my blood started to boil. I told him that I didn't feel like I could sleep in the house tonight and I would be back.

All he cared about was whether or not I would be home so he could go on his trip, or was I going to come home later on purpose so that he couldn't go. I told him to just keep worrying about himself and I would be home later.

How do you go from being courteous to an a$$ within 30 minutes? I know I shouldn't have reacted and gotten up. I am so tired of being called names and having my education thrown in my face. He is so unclear in the way that he communicates with me and doesn't always tell me what he is thinking and expects me to be able to read his mind. His ranting tonight is one example.

I had done exactly as he told me. What's worse is that I emailed him the original bill 2 weeks ago. He told me he couldn't read email on his iPhone and was too busy to look at the emails on his computer. That's funny, I see him look at his email every morning and night. He can look at the crap but he's too busy to look at work related items?

I guess being able to not react during the argument was good. I need to take it to the next step and not boil afterwards. I probably should have let him go to bed and then stayed up.

I thought a little bit more about this today, SS. I think this morning I was humiliated by his insensitive comments and my feelings were hurt. Who in the h3ll can talk about their W like that in public in front of her? I am trying to be supportive of what he is doing. I feel like I try to be supportive and excited about things for him, I get lured in and then I feel like the dog that gets kicked away and keeps coming back for more.

I need to figure out how to be supportive, since he thinks I'm not and am not interested in what he is doing, but not feel like that dog. I feel like he wants me to be his cheerleader is his efforts to separate himself from me and to live a more apart life than we already lead.

I also know from past experience that if I don't show an interest, he'll find some woman at a job site or restaurant to share stuff with who will think he is just the cats meow. And that's when I start to get jealous. Because what will happen is that if I start to turn off being interested in this motorcycle, he will find someone who is and put her on the back of it to make me mad and think there is nothing wrong with that.

Hopeful, I think you handled it just right. You stayed calm, you walked away - multiple times. And by leaving the house, you gave yourself a chance to cool off.

To be honest with you, I have heard the same BS many times from my H, about how incompetent I am. The name calling, the relentlessness about making a mistake, unclear communication - heard it all before. Nevermind that you are helping him by doing the billing! You think he'd treat an employee like that? Never!

What I've learned on this board is that all of that is fueled by insecurity. I'm sure he knows that he was partially to blame about that bill so instead of just dealing with it he somehow has to make it your fault so he can feel better about himself. Plus - you're a lawyer and it sounds to me like he married up! Better take you down a few pegs so he doesn't feel inadequate.

As you continue to GAL, what he does, says or thinks is going to matter a lot less to you. I can feel that happening in my own M now. I barely even listen to my H anymore when he does this. He has cried wolf about a D and gone off on these ridiculous rants so many times that I've learned his game and I'm getting better at not reacting. Once it stops having an effect on you, they should stop the behavior (or try something new at least).

Also if you have time check out some of the stuff in the MLC forum - I know you think your H might be too old, but I see my H in a lot of it.

Thanks LA. I did look at some MLC stuff and will continue to go through it. I've also looked at other stuff online. I honestly don't think he's too old, or maybe this is his 2nd MLC. My IC thinks he's too old.

Before I went to bed, I continued to remain calm and asked him a few questions about other topics. I held it together until I went to bed and had to listen to him breathe.

He knows he partitally to blame. I sent him the bill by email 2 times, and he never looked at it. I've also felt that he knocks me down a few pegs. He has a HS diploma and that is all. I've never thrown that at him, and I honestly don't care. He makes a good living without a college degree.

This spat didn't bother me as much as they have in the past. I know what he was saying was out of line. It also made me think about how unfair he is when he fights by digressing from the issue into personal attacks and name calling. He knows my integrity is important to me. At least I get paid to do the billing.

I actually went to bed around midnight and ended up going outside instead of leaving the property. He did come back to the bedroom to tell me he was leaving for his trip. I was in the bathroom and he waited for me to come out. I didn't approach him. He was pleasant in his tone but sort of evasive. I did stop him and make him physically say goodbye. Yes, that may be pursuing, etc. However, he is flying over water today and I make it a rule to never not say goodbye when one of us is traveling. I don't want to regret it later on. Life is short.

On the GAL front, I had my hair highlighted yesterday. The girl that does my hair said we should do a weekend trip to the beach. I think I may take her up on it. I'm curious to see what H thinks about the shoe being on the other foot, especially because she is single, albeit a little older than I am.

She's also talked about going out to dinner, etc. That is a hurdle I would have to get over personally. As long as we are both in town and not working, we have dinner as a family every night (even when he is late, we sit with him after we are done). We made an agreement when we got married that there would be no boys' or girls' nights out at the bar. Although he goes to the airport and hangs out with his pals, he is home for dinner and does not go out afterwards or skip dinner to go out with his friends.

I would have to balance GAL with this. I don't think telling him he's got to feed D so I can go to dinner with a friend would go over very well. If it were a business activity, it would be a different story.

I've put myself in a position that will be hard to dig out of. I know the rule is not to snoop if you are not prepared to accept what you find. I screwed that one up.

Last night, after H called me but before he came home, he emailed the woman I suspected an EA with last year pictures someone had sent him that afternoon of the destination of his trip. This morning, she sent him an email that she hoped he had a good trip and that he would be MISSED!!!!! (She didn't say "I" will miss you, but just as I wrote it). Why would she miss him? I also saw an email about someone getting into a motorcycle accident, so I know she is aware of that purchase.

I am really not sure if this is an EA, or if it was last year, or if it is just an inappropriate friendship. And I doubt if I will ever know. When I confronted him last year, he was beyond pissed. H is always flirty and we had some discussions about this in the past. So his communicating with her and sending the pictures would be nothing new for him. His behavior makes me jealous and he hates when I get jealous and accuse him of things. So that is one of our cycles that I am trying not to repeat.

There are no I love you type emails. I am unable to see his texts. I won't get into the long story about this woman and what happened last year, but the short version is she was going through a divorce and her H blames my H for the divorce. My H and I have discussed it many times and his friends know. It caused us some huge problems that I felt like we had overcome since then. Another complaint of his is that when I get mad, I accuse him of cheating on me.

The issue last year came up again this week. Apparently, the exH is still telling everyone about how my H ruined his life. I tend not to believe a PA occurred because he took a restaining order out against this guy and most of his friends know about the sitch. I don't think he would do all that with the possibilty that this guy hired a PI during the divorce and there could be hard proof.

So, my overthinking jealous mind has taken off and I am trying to come back down to reality. I did delete the email, so it will be interesting to see if I get accused of looking at his emails.

Over the past week, when he has been crappy to me, the issue of last year has been brought up by a friend. Again too long of a story. I was suspicious about what was going on, which may all be in my mind,

I've asked H is he's seen her recently and he told me once at a restaurant in passing. I didn't ask if he's talked to her or texted her because I felt like that was pushing it and I didn't want to make him mad. However, in the past, he has never denied talking to her.

He is home every night, although 30 minutes later than usual in the past few weeks. There are no unusual phone calls after he is home, and generally no texts. We have no home phone. His phone is not in the house at night and he doesn't go outside the house after bed, so that is not going on. He hasn't changed the way he dresses, his cologne, exercising, etc. The only new thing is the motorcycle and he's talked about that for a while. So I am not suspecting a PA at this point. However, I do know that he would know that I would not approve of what he is doing, although in his mind he has done nothing wrong, which has has said repetitively.

I've got to figure out a way to cope with my jealousy. I went to IC today and we talked about my need to let go and detach. I think my mind is there but not my heart. I know in my mind I cannot control him or what happens. I also cannot control what that woman says to him. However, my heart hasn't gotten to the point of letting go.

I am trying to keep my faith and trust in my H as this is something he brought up with the D talk, and I told him that I did need to trust him and believe in him. I am aware that what is doing is innocent (in his mind) and this woman may be taking it the wrong way. Or maybe her email is also innocent and I am taking it the wrong way, but that is less likely in my mind.

To me, he is like a drug addiction and the nice encounters over the weekend were my hit of cocaine.

I've screwed up my day so far with this. I've decided that I will not bring this up while he is gone and will see how he treats me and if he calls me or D16 while he is gone. I will have no way of knowing if he communicates with this woman by phone while he is gone, so I cannot worry about that.

I really don't know how I would conront him on this because I don't think those emails are "proof" of anything. And he's told his friends he can back up his story in writing, with witnesses and legally.

I do know that I need to drop the rope and let go. I will try to read some of the threads on detaching this weekend.

I did go to the prayer tower and felt a little better afterwards. I felt like I was detaching better when I was doing that before, so I need to get back to it. I would also appreciate any adivce on overcoming jealousy and stopping these thoughts when they start!