Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers After 18 months - H is finally filing.

Wow what a wonderful and heartfelt post.

This is so hard. You have truly looked at yourself and made some wonderful improvements. None of us will ever be perfect. Keep working on you.

That said some of your H walking on eggshells fears have NOTHING to do with you. It has to do with him and him knowing that his behavior is wrong.

Keep doing what you are doing. Its hard to believe that we are the same woman that came hear over a year ago. You can hear the difference in your posts. Be patient. Ridiculously patient.

Even if I knew for sure my H would never ever come home I would not go back to the old me.

Hugs

I think we all fall into the trap at looking to our spouses to find out worth, to validate our changes.

We are looking to the wrong person. How do you really feel about yourself right now if you take H's comments out of the equation?

As 25 says, they have a vested interest in not seeing those things or in denying that they see them because then they can't justify what they are doing to others, especially the children.

Keep moving forward for you and your kids.

unbidden, 25, grace, bug - thanks for pulling me out of the muck last night. Your kind words and compassion made me cry - every single one of your posts reached me deeply and I am feeling a lot better today.

It's amazing how different things can seem once the sun rises (and it's a gorgeous day in S CA )
So in this new day, I am choosing to focus on myself.

Here are some areas where more of the hard work needs to come:
1) Improve my self-esteem. How?
- Learning to change the tape as soon as I start getting down on myself. Stopping negative thoughts.
- Refusing to measure my worth and success by others' opinions by reviewing my progress every night before going to sleep.
- Increase my individual GAL activities when the kids are away - increase frequency of workout, socialize more with my friends, resume playing tennis.

2) Continue to improve other personal R that need work
MY MOTHER - Detach from my mother's actions to avoid feeling hurt and disappointed and view her with compassion in order to accept that she will never be able to support me in the way that I need, but only in the limited way she knows how.
MY KIDS - Have more patience with my kids. Remind myself that their struggles are no reflection of my parenting abilities or limitations. Read more on parenting and find new exercises and skills to become more zen-like and patient.
- Break the pattern of discipline and distance with my children that my parents taught me as they raised me. Continue working on being more approachable and showing a softer and more vulnerable side to my kids. Continue being more affectionate and warm (physically and verbally) instead of more of a disciplinarian parent. Remind myself of their frailty and their need for guidance and support in a gentle way.
MY BROTHER - Detach from my brother's selfish behavior and his victim mentality. Be respectful and non-judgmental about his actions and the way my parents enable him. He has chosen this path and I cannot and should not expect him to change to conform to the way I think he should act.
MY FRIENDS - Cultivate my friendships more. Be the first one to reach out instead of waiting for them to do so. Listen more, be supportive and have fun with them.
MY PARENTS - Work on spending more time with my aging parents and be very, very patient and supportive as their frailty and dependence on me increases.

3) Work on my PMA
- Continue doing my gratitude exercises when I wake up and before going to bed.
- Read uplifting and inspirational quotes
- Continue supporting others who struggle
- Join Zig's goal-setting thread and track my weekly efforts
- Pat myself in the back equally for small and big changes and improvements

4) Set out a plan of action this weekend to overcome the financial crisis we face as a family.

As for goals in my R with my H, I will have to thing about that some more. In the meantime, I have plenty to keep me busy.

THANK YOU ALL ONCE AGAIN FOR CARING. That is all I can say...

Michele points out in her books that despite our best DB'ing efforts, sometimes things just don't work out. DB'ing unfortunately does not offer any guarantees. That is no reflection on you. You are a great person and you have a lot to offer if not to your H then to someone else. It's normal to have these negative thoughts about ourselves now and then, but try to refocus on your positives and know that you do have a great future ahead with or without your H. Since you've been served D papers and your H has been in a 1-1/2 year R, it sounds like it may be time for you to drop the rope completely for your own well-being.



You're not. Your M is, mainly due to the actions of your H. Read Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" if you haven't already, it'll help you to realize that you're the victim, not the guilty party.

KG I don't know where you live but please check out that website "Essential Experience" I think I've mentioned to you.

Any personal growth workshop for you to work on those goals you just outlined, might be a wonderful gift you give yourself and your loved ones, now. (Since I have gone to a few different ones and can vouch for "EE", I mention it.)

OTherwise your plan is sound. Be kind to yourself. You do deserve it.

((( )))

Great goals. Keep it up

Thanks for the essential experience reminder. I need to do that one weekend when my h has the kids

Hugs

Gosh I hope you do. But it's only offered a few times a year so check it out so you can plan it. I'm telling you, profound and it's life changing. Best one I've been to, by far.

((( )))

This is an awesome list! Looks a lot like mine!

Take care KG!

beautiful KG...you have given me a lot to think about.

Thinking of you ((((( )))))

Vero, 25, BM - I am glad you guys liked my list. I feel pretty good about it.
25 - Thanks for the EE recommend. I want to do it, but right now my financial sitch is at a breaking point, so I will have to hold off on it. But it's something I definitely want to do as soon as it's possible.

This morning I have been trying to brainstorm how to proceed re. our financial crisis. As you all know, I decided to stay at home when my S was born in July of 2011. At the time and until last Tuesday when he got laid off, my H had a very nice job that could afford me doing that.

So now we only have enough savings to last us roughly 3 months of just the very basic expenses - rent, food, utilities, gas, girls pre-school, health and life insurance. After that, it's credit cards or some loan from family or a friend. To make matters worse, my H hired a L and filed for D 5 days before his layoff. So I now have 30 days to respond.

My concern is that we just don't have money for a D right now.
I do plan to pay for a consult with my prospective L ASAP to discuss my H's unemployment issue and if and when I should get a job, etc. But I just don't see how in the world my H expects me to use 7k of our remaining money to hire a lawyer, when we know that in 3 months we will be completely out of cash...

What do people do in these situation?

My H has not made any attempt to talk to me and try to come up with a plan on how we will handle finances at this point. I plan to talk to him about it on Monday (today is his birthday and I didn't want to spoil his weekend with the kids).

I think I will ask him if given his layoff if he still plans to go ahead full steam with the D process or if he will consider putting it on hold until our financial situation stabilizes. If he says nothing has changed, then I guess I will have no choice but to go ahead and hire my L and spend the 7k? There is no way I will sign any doc. or take any action w/o my lawyer's advice, specially now that H has no job.

It seems so ludicrous and against the well-being of our kids given how dire our financial sitch is...

Any thoughts? This is all un-chartered territory for me.

Thanks for any advice or help!!!!