Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers About to separate....

Thanks anotherstander, I will try to adhere to the DB rules. I think for me #26, #30 and #31 are the most challenging.

"The way my w puts it, I have no other option."

Yes you do. She's bullying you to leave.

"If I don't, the tension between us keeps getting higher,"

Which is caused by her. NOT YOU.

"she gets super stressed out and angry,"

This is HER CHOICE to act this way. It's like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

"She says the only chance I have at getting her back is to respect and honor her wishes for a separation."

BS, if she is unhappy, why should YOU leave? And she can't just go and threaten you with taking YOUR children away. They are your kids too are they not? You have an equal right to them.

What will happen is that once you're out of the house, she'll be able to do whatever she wants while you're left out high and dry. Stand firm on this. My W asked me to leave and threatened the exact same things yours did. I looked at her like she was nuts and told her that if she was unhappy, she could leave. So she did and I was happy I stood my ground.

Nail,

I am pretty new here as well. I wish my wife would actually give my concrete reasons as to where things went wrong. It woud be a lot easier to do 180's that way. So I guess that I would start with the kids. Just my two cents.

MrBond, I hear you, but my question to you is, after she left, where you able to reconcile? Or did she hold that against you? The tension between my w and I was caused by both of us in the past, but now I have calmed down, so we shall see how that affects us in the future. What do you mean " she'll be able to do whatever she wants while you're left out high and dry." I don't understand what this means? She's gonna work and she's gonna take care of the kids. What else will she do? The separation is supposed to give her space and time to think through this and see if she really wants out or if she might want to reconcile. The thing that I have to accept is that I can't control her, or how she feels. I can only respect and honor her and take care of myself.

Like MrBond, at one point my W asked me why SHE should leave rather than ME. I reminded her who was saying they wanted to leave the marriage and who was working hard to keep it together. I told her she could stay there WITH ME just as long as she wanted, but if she wanted her "freedom" then that was her responsibility because I wasn't going anywhere. She said she understood and she never mentioned it again. I think she respected me for standing firm on that, I showed her that despite my pain I wasn't going to be walked on. She's shown no ill will about it since. That was about 2-1/2 months ago and she's just now moving out. My life is in enough turmoil without leaving the home I've worked so hard on for 13 years. As a side note, W is discovering the kids don't like leaving their home to go to her place. They gripe that it feels too "empty" although I'm sure they think it feels foreign too. One more reason to hold your ground.

Regarding reconciliation, we're not there yet but I'm hopeful. But I will say I've read plenty of WAW stories here in which the woman left and reconcilation did take place eventually. It seems to take anywhere from 3 months to a year unless MLC is involved (and if so, much longer).

"She's gonna work and she's gonna take care of the kids. What else will she do?"

Date other men and bring them home. It's happened here time and time again.

"The separation is supposed to give her space and time to think through this and see if she really wants out or if she might want to reconcile."

That's what they all say. Some of them really mean that, but most of them look for something else to keep them distracted. Or rather, some-one else.

MrBond, sorry to hear that. I hope thats not the case with my w.

I went to see an apt for rent today and yesterday. I wasn't really into either of them. To be honest, it's really hard for me to leave my home. I just don't want to, but I'm torn because I know my w wants the separation/space and I'm not sure how to give her that and live in the same house. We have been arguing everyday, it's not good. I have alot of anger towards her right now.

Nail,
I feel for you. You are in a really tough spot.

Back in June my H caught me "sexting" and demanded that I move out. This was the straw that broke the camel's back in a very damaged R. He threatened D VERY VERY seriously.

I was so desperate to win him back that I did move out for 3 months and stayed with my parents. We did not have any separation agreement; I left because he asked me to. (And also because he threw all of my stuff on the living room floor and became a complete lunatic.)

I will say that the space did us both a lot of good. I had to come back to the house almost every day to see my kids. That was trying. My H was so mad that would do anything to avoid me. But gradually and in very small increments, things slowly began to improve.

I have to agree with Bond and the others though: DO. NOT. MOVE. OUT. There are legal ramifications to this. I know you are scared and desperate right now, but she can move if she wants her space so badly.

After being on this board all summer, I eventually came around to this thinking and moved back into my own home at the beginning of this month. Sure, my H hated me and spat venom and threatened D and threatened to move out and all of that. But you know what? It only lasted a week, and he doesn't even bother to leave the house anymore when I am home. Turns out he doesn't need "his space" that badly.

Now we are somewhat separated in our home. I am sleeping on the sofa bed, which stinks, but at least I am at home. I am the "sinner" in this case which puts me at a disadvantage, so I accept the punishment of the sofa bed.

I do my best to leave him alone. He doesn't eat dinner with us. Fine. He loses out and ends up eating chips and salsa in bed. He doesn't want to do fun things with us on the weekends. Fine. He misses out on fun and time with his kids. Etc. I don't ask him twice. I barely ask him once.

But... I also know my H and know when and how to be affectionate with him. He's opened up to that over time and it has helped us make progress, whether he knows it or not.

My advice - work on detachment. It is hard, very hard. Do not talk to your W about the R. Leave her alone. Give her what she wants. She will realize pretty quickly that being alone is not that fun, especially if you can swing some super fun stuff with your kids. You live your life as if she weren't even a part of it, and I guarantee, you will see her come around. Look for the little signs and HANG IN THERE!!!

You come to this board as often as you need to when you feel like you are dying. We will be here for you.

Thanks Regretful, your post is really helpful to me. I appreciate your honesty and good vibes! It sounds like your approach is working, slowly but surely. I just had a talk with my w and we softened our approach after yesterdays horrible interactions. She told me that she needs time and space to process how she feels about us because of how we both failed in the past. I told her my concerns about the legal ramifications of moving out, and she assured me that she's not out to get me. She even said she would sign an agreement to not attack me legally for abandonment. She said she just needs space, thats it. I told her I would keep looking for a short term rental, but in the meantime I would take a step back to detach from her even more while Im in the house. I told her I would not engage her anymore unless it was about the kids. She seemed relieved after our conversation, we shook hands and went our separate ways to start the day. Now I just need to keep my end of the bargain!