Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers About to separate....

Long story short, W and I married 8 years ago, had two kids, now 8 and 5, and I had a hard time adjusting to the changes the kids brought to our relationship. I come from a very traditional family where my dad worked two jobs, and payed the bills. My mom cooked,cleaned,raised the kids..etc. My W comes from more modern upbringing, more money..etc. During the early years of our marriage my W was struggling with being a new mom and I was struggling with financial pressures. Im the only bread winner. According to my W, I was not helpful with the kids, I only accepted the responsibility of making money. As time went on,she began to resent me for not helping out,and to make matters worse, I worked out of our home. I felt so much pressure paying for all the new stuff needed to create the life my W wanted that I began to skip out on the family things, birthdays, play dates to try to make more money etc. She resented me for it, we fought, I said things to her that I didn't mean...I started to resent her....our relationship began to break down , slowly but surely. Over the next 3 years, she sought therapy and in doing so realized that she didn't want to be married to a man like me. She warned me over the years that if I kept saying mean or critical things to her, or didn't participate w the kids more, that her love bank would gradually diminish to empty and it would be too late by then. She also said that if I was nothing but an ATM to her, once she made money, she would not need me anymore. She started grad school a few years ago and is about to graduate and get a job. Well, last December she threatened D, and now she wants me to move out. I have been trying everything since she threatened to D. Nothing seems to work, she is totally shut down from me. She said ILYBNILWY. She and I have been living in our home like a separated couple, we don't sleep together anymore. All she wants from me is for me to give her space. She has no romantic or loving feelings for me at all. She wants me to move out, but be there for the kids. We are in counseling and are now preparing to write a controlled separation agreement. I'am looking for an apt to rent. I'am confused and don't know what to do anymore. I love her and don't want our family to break up. HELP!

Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.

You need to let her go.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Thanks Cadet, The hardest part is the nighttime,after the kids are put to bed, I want to hand out with her and she wants to be left alone.

Yes I understand, try to not make sense of this right now.

Just worry about yourself and your kids.

She is on a space ship with aliens right now and you must treat her that way.

Keep Posting.

Hi Nail,

I'm new here and still learning about DR principles. But all I know is that I can relate to how you feel after the ILYBINILWY bomb. This is so hard to take from someone you really love.

But you must not panick. You truly must GAL and focus on yourself and kids. My W had similar complaint not being involved with kids so you can start with that.

A lot of your sitch is similar with mine. You are not alone a lot of us here are in the same pain.

I hope this help hang in there bud.

Thanks Cadet & Newman, All my instincts for the past 3 weeks have been wrong. I'm afraid I'm ruining any chances of getting her back at all. I must detach and stop conversing with her about the sitch. I keep digging myself deeper into the hole. She only see's her point of view, which is that I was not helpful to her emotionally or with the kids for the past 6 years. Also, she said she tried to talk to me and gave me many chances, but I was not open to her or the opportunities she gave me at that time, so now "it's too late". Her heart has closed, the love switch turned off, the love bank is EMPTY! This is all too much for me to understand because I feel like she has no forgiveness or compassion or humility left in her towards me. I know I was guilty of all the stuff she's doing to me now, but I never threatened divorce or tried to force her out of the house. She's dug in and will not budge. She says we need to separate and I need to find another place to live or she will take the kids and find a place herself. She says the only chance I have of winning her back is if I do what she wants and gives me examples of people who have separated and after a year of separation, got back together. I fear that she's just telling me these stories to make it easier for me to leave and has absolutely no plans for getting back together. I think she wants to move on with someone new. Anyways, I feel like I have no other option but to move out. What do you guys think?

For the short term, I would not move out. If you have not seen a lawyer, make an appointment to know your rights regarding the kids. My H told me to leave. We discussed a trial separation and he said R would be on his terms only. Well, here I am 2 months later still at home.

Read DR, stop talking about the sitch and go about your business. It is HARD, but you can still give her some space while you are at home.

DO NOT MOVE OUT

Going to GAL now, praying for things to turn around. Thanks for the support good people!

Last night after putting the kids to sleep. I left the house without telling W and went to hear friends play music at a bar. She was surprised and texted me wanting to know where i was and what time I was coming home. I texted her back and told her I didn't feel like being alone and went out w friends. This morning she said she was surprised I didn't tell her and that she didn't think we where at that point in our relationship yet. She said she didn't know if I thought thats how we should act yet, asking if it's ok for her to do that to me? I'm just tired of feeling lonely after the kids are put to bed, she told me to leave her alone at night, so this is a mixed message. I guess my question is how to balance this controlled separation living in the same house. I don't want to escalate things between us, but I do want her to know that the consequences of her requests mean that I will need to have my own life.