I have been keeping up with the posts but haven't written for awhile because I felt inadequate for you. Well, I need to vent and I hope you hear me.
Those of you who are familiar with my posts know my husband has an OW out of state who is also married. He also has internet bimbos. He is a great liar. Well, about 2 weeks ago, I coerced him into talking to me. When he wouldn't give me honest answers I told him it wasn't good enough. He was drinking (as always), started throwing things (to include furniture), went for a drive but did come home. The next day he apologized, he said he was sorry, ashamed and embarrassed by his behaviour and regretted all he had done. I still got very little by way of confession. He said he would e-mail all his bimbos and let them know it was over.
Well, a few days later I found mail from a couple bimbos and confronted him. He then (nicely) and closed this account, for "us". Of course, he another account with his real name, for business.
Well, he is now gone (to his mother's) and I managed to open his online account with another server and I found a mother load. I found that he is still in daily contact with the OW and he told her that we would divorce after I finish my classes in february. He tells her that they are a forever thing. She doesn't know if her marriage will make it, she wants to leave but doesn't want to screw up her kids.
I found his ads (yes more than one) for men in search of women. He is looking for sex and apparently finding it through online services. He is making dates and screwing around, alot. He just finished reading a manual on PostTraumaticStressDisorder and intends to seek help, good idea. (Yes, I keep hard copies of everything I find.)
I am so angry, hurt and confused. He is obviously a sick person. After 20 years of marriage, I just can't stop the positive emotions I have for him, BUT, I believe that he is so unhealthy, sick. I came to Michele's board because I believe in marriage but I am thinking he is way too sick. I don't understand any of this. He says to me he loves me and doesn't want divorce. Why can't he tell the truth????? I can deal with the truth!!! Why is he living this double/triple life?? Why is he so evil? Has he always been this sick man with a "private life?" I want to understand, but maybe I never will, and that's hard.
Anyway, I have found, to get him to respond to me, that the most effective approach is to be direct and not give him time to prepare a defense or clean up his act. I have to pick him up at the airport on sunday. At this point, I think I will (unless you advise differently) make copies of certain items and give them to my H on the way home. I will calmly tell him to pack his stuff and move out. I do believe he will object. I cannot predict what will happen from there. He has never struck me and I don't think he will start now. But, his weird sickness is scaring me. This whole situation and uncertain future scares me. I'm still on prozac - good for my mind, still running daily - good for the body, and I am still praying - good for the soul.
I am so overwhelmed. Thank you for hearing me. Mare
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 06-11-99).]
Mare, I think you are right, I think he is sick. I also think your idea of asking him to leave would probably be best for the both of you for now. It just isn't healthy. After all, you have confronted him over and over (I read your old posts) and it doesn't seem to phase him. Try something new.
Think of this way, if he does go be with the OW, she will have to deal with his sick ways. I truly think he may be a sex addict or something like that. When I say these things, I am not being a smart a-- I am being serious. That is why I think if you ask him to leave then maybe he will go get help, if not you sure don't want him to bring you down with him.
I hope this message doesn't sound cold because I can only imagine what you are going through.
Asilee, Thanks for the support. No I don't think you are too hard or cold. I think he is sick but I would not say sex addict. I think that he is a man without a soul. This is going to be hard because I am not filled with hate and I have many good and fond memories. But that's not enough. I am trying to grasp this situation and I just can't get my hands around it because I don't understand it. I am trying to accept that I may never understand this mess. Thanks so much, Asilee. This board means so much to me. Mare
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 06-11-99).]
Mare, I hear You friend! I think he HAS a soul, its just burried in his sickness. Whether its for the best or not I think I also would have to confront him one last time. Show him the proof, and ask the puopose of his continued lieing. Perhaps he dosent understand that YOU can deal with the truth. Obviously He prefers to avoid it, so I am sure he reads that feeling into you also. I can understand about wanting him gone. You have tried sooo hard and been through so much! He has been given so many opportunities to come clean and he just CANT DO IT! I dont know what else you can do. Please be very carefull, protect yourself, dont argue in the car OK? We will be with you! Concerned for you, Tempest
I really hate to admit this, but my H has guns. He has a permit to carry a concealed weapon and always has one in his vehicle (the VietNam/PTSD thing). He has NEVER, EVER threatened to hurt me in anyway but now I think about the guns. I believe his ego is too big for him to hurt himself. I will call the sheriff if I have to,he is my neighbor and so is the DA. Since I have to pick him up at the airport, he will not have a weapon. Gets sadder all the time.
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 06-11-99).]
Thanks for your wonderful insight, Tempest. No, I won't argue or cry. I am resigned to being a class act. Thanks for being here for me, I know you realize how much this board means to us all. Mare
Hey, Its OK to cry. I know I cry when Im hurt but I also cry when I am REALLY pissed. When my H sees me cry he knows he is either scum of the earth (for hurting me) or soon to be dead meat!!
I agree that you need to be very careful, throwing things, including furniture is physical violence -- domestic abuse. It could very easily carry over to beating on you. There is a lot you need to know -- I don't want to scare you, but in an abusive relationship your husband is 75% more likely to kill you if you leave. Now that I have said that I want to say I would agree that one of you should leave. With him having guns in the house it might be safer for you to leave and leave him a note. You are not the one in the wrong, but who wants to be right, but dead.
You are in a very scary situation, have you checked out any domestic violence sites? Maybe you should call a domestic violence hotline, they are qualified to help you decide on the safest action to take.
